It’s a craft that no one gets – Day 3

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The wedding is driving me insane…

It is so much work and I don’t feel as if my friend is appreciating it at all. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand the craft and the art that clothing is. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I cannot wait to get away for the weekend.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.

Fingers crossed – Day 8

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I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.

Fingers crossed that I get to go!

Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’

If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.

My boss and my bestie – Day 7

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My bosses husband was in a car accident.

I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.

I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.

Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.

I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.

Strangely enough, I actually love cooking – Day 3

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Today was better at work, I was more comfortable and I felt a little more in control. I was actually starting to get used to being there and get used to being home.

Last night I lay in bed and I couldn’t sleep, for a few hours I tossed and I turned. Worrying about the Kibbutz because I hadn’t heard back yet, the Kibbutz is my out at the moment. If the Kibbutz doesn’t happen then I don’t know what will. Worried about him because he has become so distant. Worried about my relationship with my boss.

I made the decision that tomorrow evening when I meet him for dinner, I am going to end our relationship. Is relationship even the right word? I don’t know.

Eating wise wasn’t great. I binged on ice cream in the afternoon. I went to the farm at about 17h00 to spend the night. We landed up having such a fun spontaneous night! Made pizza and pasta and had wine and then chocolate and then we even had liqueurs.

My mum, dad, my brother and me. My happy place, on the farm.

 

Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

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I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

Meh – Day 14

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You can’t keep coming back and pretending that nothing has changed. He put so much pressure on the relationship when he booked a holiday for us, when he phoned me every day, when he texted me ever day.

You cant just decide to call me when its convenient. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be around me when they have time, I want to be with someone who makes time for me.

I’m not speaking to guys anymore, I can keep doing this, its causing me way too much drama.

I am really not feeling comfortable and like I am in a good place. I know I’m taking myself too serious and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be a so called ‘player’ and string guys along, its so incredibly exhausting! I want to go back to sitting on my yoga mat and writing and bettering my soul and myself.

So this morning I woke up and lay in bed contemplating whether I should go to work or not! Then my friend texted me and she was home for the day booked off for sick leave and said I can come hang out if I like, I got us croissants and we spent the morning chatting and watching Girls. I went to work from 14h00 – 15h00 and then did some shopping and took a nap.

Feeling so bleh today.

Just feel like taking a nap all the time.

Going out with my friend Andrew this evening to a school thing.

I can’t even deal – Day 13

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Got paid my old salary.

Shoot me.

Fuck.

I cant even deal. I’m not even going to work. Honestly I am not going to work. I emailed and asked he about the increase and she said she is happy to discuss it on Friday – There is nothing to discuss!

Also my date with Rick was cancelled – we just not compatible? He literally told me I was crazy lol. He said as desirable and lustrous this seems he feels that it will have an expiration date. I appreciate his honesty I suppose. And now I am not in a pickle. And I just got batted.

Today was a bit of a fail.

Having some wine and having an early night.