Today is my four year anniversary with my husband, we have only been married for 8 months but our relationship turns four today.
Our third year anniversary was magical. We went to our favourite restaurant for dinner, and we didn’t buy each other a gift, instead we wrote each other a letter. I still have that letter that was written 365 days ago but I cant bare to open it, I think there will come a time when I am ready, the time is just not now. I don’t know when it will be and I don’t know if waiting for the right time or never ever opening it again will help in any way or form even. I just cant even bare to think of the beautiful words that were shared, and all the love and the hopes and the dreams.
It was 3 months until our wedding and it was special. We were special, it was good and we were great. When you just skip certain conversations because you know you both thinking the exact same thing. I even remember what I was wearing and I remember what dessert he ate – Italian kisses. I would mention something that I was stressed about concerning our wedding plans and he would say that it didn’t matter, nothing mattered, all that mattered that we were getting married, it didn’t matter what went wrong or what went right, all that mattered was that we were getting married. We were about to embark on a journey as lovers and best friends forever.
While I know its all long gone and that magic is not here no more. I still shudder when I think of those moments and I remember them like they were yesterday, like I could relive them ever second of every day.
Numb. Numb is how I felt on the 25th of December 2014. Exactly 5 days after our wedding. Lying in bed with my husband, at my new parents house, with my new surname. Lying in bed with the person I had committed my life to. Numb. When he asked me for an annulment after 5 days of being married.
Now I lay in my bed decoding why the person I love so dearly just broke my heart in the blink of an eye. When nothing mattered. All that mattered was that we were lovers and best friends and we were about to embark on the most incredible journey of our lives, hand in hand forever.
But a lot mattered. Everything mattered.
So much mattered and I was oblivious to it all. I blocked it all out with the sounds of ‘I love you’. It mattered that our families were different, it mattered that I was 8 years younger than him, it mattered that his family thought I was not intellectual enough for him, it mattered that I was brought up in a close knit family, it mattered that I was a creative person that followed her dream of being a designer instead of committing my life to success and being a civil servant. It mattered that I had a soft and sensitive approach whist he told me to toughen up and stop indulging people, it mattered that people indulged me and that I would one day indulge my children. And it mattered that I was still the sweet and innocent 19 year old that he met 6 years in his eyes, it mattered that when I started to grow he wouldn’t support my growth. Most of all it mattered that he had a saviour complex, that he always wanted to save me, when I never needed to be saved. I needed to be loved and not abandoned.
I got a call from my lawyer today and my husband is going through with the divorce. I will be receiving the divorce settlement soon. I am afraid to see what it says but it actually doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter, nothing matters.
It doesn’t matter that I have been encouraged to get a court order against him for harassment and slandering. It doesn’t matter that his family accused me of having an affair and it doesn’t matter that they think I am a spoiled little girl that isn’t intellectual enough for their son. It doesn’t matter that my husband has said that I am now second hand and it doesn’t matter that I am 25 and getting divorced. And it doesn’t matter if his friends knew all along that he was making a mistake marrying me or that he often joked about me making a good first wife. It doesn’t matter that he told me not to take his last name because I was not his wife, I was a child. And it doesn’t even matter that he asked me for an annulment after 5 days of being husband and wife!
All that matters is that we had 4 years and they were special and they were good. I believed in love and I believed in the man I married. I will never view our love as a mistake and I will always cherish our time together even though we destroyed our relationship in the end and there is dust on every page, it was good and I’ll never look back.