Let go of the one that stole your home – Day 5

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In a cafe posting because of my horrendous wifi. I have had two chai late’s because they are awesome.

Had a moment this afternoon when a bit of sadness washed over me. Tomorrow would have been my four year anniversary with my husband. Just typing those words makes me feel as if my heart is going to leap out of my chest. Its times like these that doubt creeps up on you. When I start to worry that I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Even when there are sounds in my head, little voices whispering that I should go and this should end – I still have doubts.

I think the doubts will be there for a while.

For the first time in a long time though, I am trusting my heart and soul and my body. Even though this is the most difficult decision of my life (up until now anyway), somehow I know its the right one. We all only have one home – our mind, body, soul and heart, your values and your loved ones and your dreams – thats your home. The only thing you need in life is to protect is your home and be happy in your home as its the only place you have to live. And no matter how hard it is I keep telling myself to let go of the one that stole my home. I let him take my love and my heart and soul and he destroyed my home.

Now its up to me to start rebuilding day by day.

“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit.”

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You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens- Day 3

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Today was one of the better ones.

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night – it takes a while to get used to a new bed I suppose!

Work was good and so busy so it kept me preoccupied which was good and then I had a great dinner with my parents and aunt and uncle! My mom and dad are on their way to London tomorrow and I am so excited for them – they are so excited!

During this process there are so many ups and downs. Some up days and some down days and then there are those days that flit between up and down and you feel like a yo yo. Today was an up day and I enjoyed it cautiously, I think that one of the most challenging aspects of divorce is moments where you feel happy you actually feel guilty simultaneously. Divorce is one of the most challenging experiences one can go through, its so deep and dark and multi faceted and in reality it is like experiencing a death. The death of a relationship that you committed yourself to (until death do us part) and it is the death of all the future plans and dreams you and your spouse shared as well as the death of a fragment of what makes you who you are.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a stranger, a girl, and the list goes on and I am also a wife. When divorce strikes, you literally lose one of the fragments of your being. You lose your best friend/husband/wife/companion/love of your life and you lose a fragment of yourself. It is so incredibly hard to build a new life without your partner and it is equally hard building a new life when you have lost one of the fragments you have identified with.

This morning I naturally wanted to be a wife. I always used to wake up before my husband and do a bit of cleaning and so on and I would pack his lunch for work and then I would take him his coffee and biscuits in bed (ginger biscuits). This morning however I made myself coffee -I never drink coffee – and I made no lunch. These are just the secondary losses of losing someone. The primary loss is losing your soul mate (one of your soul mates at least) and the secondary loss is losing those moments. Thos tiny moments that made you a wife and made him your husband.

So today I did a lot of work and then I went out to dinner with my family with all the fragments of my being except for being a wife. There was no holding hands, his hand on my leg and the two of us tasting each others dishes. But there was me being a daughter and a niece and being loved and cherished, being cared about and being supported and for now I think that is what matters. Yes things have and are falling apart, but there are so many new moments to experience. So many new moments to experience in the now. For now I think I am feeling so grateful and appreciative for what I have gained and not focusing on what I have lost. Because when you going through hell you just keep going. And you keep looking for moments, even if they are just tiny specs, you look for them and you appreciate them.

Things are getting real for me down here – Day 2

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OK! First and foremost, my wifi at my new house is horrendous. So I still write a post everyday but I will unfortunately only be posting them every few days!

So day 2

Today has been both exciting and equally saddening.

I like my new little flat, its tiny and quaint. I’ve got pretty much everything from my old house so today I bought a few pot plants, a new lamp and stocked the fridge with groceries. I spent about an hour in the book store this afternoon flipping through books about divorce, there was even a workbook to work through all the anger and depression and guilt and shame. I just couldn’t bring myself to buy a book though-it just seems so depressing. Instead I bought a new cook book!

Moving in was fun, I listened to music, unpacked and decorated and then sat on my bed and ate a whole box of chocolates and then I think reality started to sink in. I haven’t been alone (by alone I mean single) in four years. My husband is still emailing me daily – though he has managed to bring the emails down to about 10 a day. I’m in two minds about this: firstly I want to be a little bitch and tell my lawyer that he is still harassing me, and secondly I still love my husband so much and I guess I want to protect him against the implications (whatever the implications may be).

I miss him, I really do. I miss him holding me and I miss listening to his stories and seeing his smile. I miss having dinner with him, I miss making his lunch for work and I miss finishing each others sentences. I miss the way he used to tap his wedding ring on his wine glass while taking a sip and smiling and I miss my wedding ring, I still cant get used not wearing it, my left hand looks and feels so empty. I love him dearly and unconditionally. Despite what has happened I still love him – I think I will probably love him forever, just in a different form maybe.

I however don’t miss the last past 8 months, I don’t miss our wedding day and I don’t miss our honeymoon. I don’t miss being called a child and a spoilt brat and I don’t miss being told that I am constantly looking for attention. I wish I could erase the night when me told me he couldn’t wait to meet his new wife because she would love him and respect him in a way that i didn’t. I would give anything to forget the moment when were sitting outside his office on the stairs next to the ‘tower of light’ (how ironic) when he said that he had been thinking about being with other woman and when he said he had been thinking of ways to end our marriage since it started. Most of all I’d like to erase the fact that he and his family accused me of having an affair. His family, that had become my family that i had loved so dearly. Like black and white. All of a sudden I was and still am hated by everyone for the shit that they made up about me.

Now lying in bed, I feel like my bed will never be warm again without him. And nothing hurts more than just remembering how special our love was.

My parents are coming to visit tomorrow evening and then they are off to Paris for 3 weeks. I will admit, I am horrified. My support team is flying across Europe, and I am so excited for them and yet I am so horrified of not being able to pick up the phone and cry like a two year old to my mum.

I think I’m going to have a cup of tea.

Divorced at 25 – Day 1

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Technically today is not day 1 of being divorced.

But it is day 1 of the journey.

I am moving into my new flat today. I’m just unpacking today and then tomorrow night I will spend my first night alone in a flat.   My lawyer has intervened so my husband is not allowed to contact me anymore (he was sending about 39 emails a day) apparently this qualifies for harassment, and also his emails were very emotionally abusive. So all contact has ended between us.

What does it feel like to be getting divorced at 25 after only being married for 8months? It feels strange. Slightly liberating, Slightly depressing. Unbearably frightening. And empty and hollow.

There’s no better reality check than going to a party and people say:

‘Oh my god, you got married the other day, congratulations!’ SQUIRM! Or they say ‘How’s married life? Are you loving it?’ SQUIRM! Or there are people that you have never met and you making small talk and they ask ‘Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married?’ SQUIRM – I’m kind of married sort of divorced, don’t really know what to call myself just yet and divorcee sounds so extreme because that was not the question and that is going to lead to an awkward conversation. So I just say no and smile politely and say something like ‘This is such a great wine, what a good year, I’m going to refill my glass’ even if my glass is still full I go refill it anyway!

And only after this party (which was an engagement party might I add) did it really hit me. When you have to start telling people. I can handle the words and the trauma in my head and I can speak to my family and friends about everything. But when you say it out loud for the first time to a relative or friend that isn’t in your immediate support group it really hits home. Word is getting around however and I constantly have missed calls on my phone, and I am embarrassed to say that I never phone people back. Because I honestly don’t know what to say to everyone.

I am also one of those people who put up a brave face, I can cry and mourn with my family and friends. To strangers however I look happy as a clam. People are even commenting on how good I look – this makes me feel a bit guilty as I feel that I should be wearing sweat pants all day and no make up and walk around with a tub of ice cream all day. Somehow my coping mechanism is to engage in retail therapy, change my hair colour and train for a marathon and watch HBO girls at night- I think I am trying very hard to feel good about myself after my husband slammed my self esteem into the ground!

So my plan for this blog (I have about 5 blogs and I post one post on each and then get over it or forget about them or I forget what I called the blog). Anyway my plan for this blog is to post every day for 25 days about all the motions I am going through and what it feels like to be a 25 year old divorcee! Also what its like going from the cutest couple ever to being no couple at all.

Honestly I feel like I am in a catatonic state of shock 24/7