Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.

Come back to me – Day 9

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I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.

Now I realise, I was convenient.

I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.

I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?

You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.

I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.

My boss and my bestie – Day 7

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My bosses husband was in a car accident.

I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.

I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.

Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.

I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.

I get lost in you – Day 6

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I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.

If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.

He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.

Regardless.

We made each other feel hope again.

We made each other feel whole again.

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

PART V – History strikes a nerve – Day 1

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Today is day 101 and my husband is still miserable and blames me for ruining his life – fun times.

I am working for my parents until Friday and then back to the city and then I will be back on the following Friday for holidays.

A sliver of me was enjoying the day while the rest was anxious and felt like boiling over—with what, I’m not sure.

It is strange being home and working again. It is also a massive trigger for my eating disorder I have learned. When I was eighteen I worked for my parents for two months before going to study and it was during one of the most debilitating phases in my eating disorders. I hated myself. I was exercising 3 hours a day. I was binging and purging all day and then skipping dinner.

Being home is bringing back those memories. Having the same routine and having meals with my parents where my dad comments when he isn’t happy with the food, and how it upsets my mom, I see her shrugging it off and trying to ignore it but of course it gets to her. All the kind of foods I used to binge on are still in the grocery cupboards. All the chocolate is still in the same place. The exact scale I used is in my brothers bathroom which used to be my parents bathroom.

I’m scared to run. I went this morning but it took me forever to get out of bed, not because I was lazy but because I am absolutely petrified that I slip into over exercising and that I don’t find a balance. In a way this is also self sabotaging because I love exercising but ed is keeping me from it because it somehow tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Much like when I want a healthy meal, I eat junk food because there is some connection in my brain that registers that I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve to be ill.

Ugh.

It’s funny, when I am on the farm with my parents I am ok. When I am in my family home where I grew up and I am working, I am scared and I am anxious and I feel like that eighteen year old girl forcing herself to run for another hour to make up for a binge.

PART IV – – – I’m so tired of misconceiving what this could be – Day 1

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Day 1 is always so weird!

So I confronted him and told him that I feel he is shutting me out and that he is being distant. I understand he is under a lot of pressure at the moment, I just wish he would be open about it. Just say to me ‘Danielle, I feel I need to just reflect and process by myself for a while and sit and cry and write and think and so on’ because I am completely open to that. As ironically I feel the exact same way, there are days that I feel I want my space and I need to do therapy and really think. I just don’t appreciate it when you distant, just be open and honest and don’t isolate yourself.

So I have realised I feel insecure in the relationship with him, because I don’t know where its going and where I stand.

I can’t guess whats on his mind, there have been so many missed signals. He has told me he can’t wait to see what our relationship blossoms into, jokes about me going to New York with him, jokes about how we make a good team and how he sits staring at me and says he is admiring. I think I’m a little frustrated…

I feel he is just being guarded and holding back.

I don’t even know if I believe everything he is trying to say to me anymore. P

I’m going to sit in a cafe and do therapy all day – Day 22

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I took the day off again…still not feeling amazing.

I started doing a work book today called ‘Healing the scars of emotional abuse’ by Gregory Jantz, and it is such a good book, it is so spot on!

I think a lot of the emotional abuse that happened in my marriage was shrugged off because I never thought it was serious enough and I always made excuses for it and I always justified it. This book points out all the different forms of emotional abuse and all the types of emotionally abusers. It really shows that the simplest things, words that didn’t seem like they were such a big deal actually were, how when you were made to feel guilty all the time it was incredibly abusive – as I now have such serious issues with guilt. The way my husband didn’t even trust me to open a cellphone account on my own because he didn’t think I was capable – he literally thought I was too stupid – thats emotionally abusive as he put me down, he didn’t trust or believe in my ability to perform a small task without him, all because he wanted me all to himself.

My parents and friends were all a threat, because they were capable of taking the attention away from him. I could only be his basically. He was threatened by anyone else that would ever get close to me…

Anyhow!

He is back from New York and is exhausted so we had a quick dinner and having an early night. I am happy he is back, I am sad he is leaving in April.

Just let go and be miserable and then let go – Day 19

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What an emotional day.

I look awful. My eyes look so dark and gloomy and miserable.

I had lunch with my mom and my sister and I got tired of being so strong and holding up a front so I just broke down. I had a glass of wine and I just broke down about my husband and work and how sad and disappointed I am with myself for struggling so much. I think the fact that work isn’t going well has struck a nerve.

Work has been my crutch – work has been my distraction and the one thing that I have focused on and done all for myself and that I have felt in control of. Now I feel that work is out of my control.

Everything is however in my control and I know that I am just engaging in so much negative self talk at the moment. Its just been one of those really rough days where you start to feel hopeless and you struggle and you cant be strong and you hold up a brave face anymore and feeling positive just seems impossible.

For the first time in a while you think about leaving and running away. You don’t want to face things, even though everything is circling in your head and all the pain and hardships are flashing before your eyes. You just want to run far away because you stumbling in such a dark place.

And in the greater scheme of things, what you going through isn’t such a big deal. Yes, it seems like a big deal now, but it actually isn’t because you learning and you growing and you becoming such a strong person. Its just really difficult to see all the upsides when you wallowing in your little pit of misery – which is totally acceptable as far as I’m concerned – but you cant get stuck there.

I was disappointed – I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, divorce was the bravest and the best decision I have ever made. I guess I just from time to time get so disappointed in him and in myself. I loved him dearly and I will never see our time together as a mistake, I however sometimes wish that it could all have been avoided – because in a way it could have.

I know its not particularly productive and its not helpful to ever reread the story – but I wish that it could have been avoided before the wedding, that we could have ended the relationship before the wedding – there was no way we could have because it was the wedding itself that brought up all the problems that my husband and I just kept burying deep. However if I listen to him and to his family there is a part of me that sometimes feels that we could have saved each other and everyone involved from so much pain.

If his family truly felt the way they did about me, I wish they had told him. My parents always said he wasn’t man enough and he wasn’t assertive and that he had a drinking problem. I married him anyone. I loved him anyway. I guess I wish his family had cried the night before our wedding in front of him and told him to his face that he was making a mistake marrying me, and I wish he stood up for me and said no and married me anyway.
When they accused me of having an affair, I wish he stood up for me and said it would never be true. Instead he asked all my friends and family because he didn’t trust me.

My husband is friends with my brother in law and he told him that if there was a chance, he would want to try again. My sister told me this and I blurted out ‘Is he fucking retarded?’. I don’t know how to feel about that response. That however was my response – I guess it was just a statement that I said out aloud that really made it official that there really is no going back. Not now, not ever.

Am I completely wasting my time here – yes I am . Am I feeling sorry for myself – yes I am. And thats ok.

I think I worked through all the turmoil – I remember my boss even saying that my work wasn’t slacking at all and that I was performing so well. My friends and family were impressed at how well I handled everything. I did hide in my eating disorder and restricted and lost weight which I have now gained back as I’ve been hiding behind binging and purging. I think everything is coming to the surface. I think everything is starting to hit me.

Its all too much, its all at once.

I need to get it all out.

I need to let go of it all.

Now that work is in such a fragile state along with my health, I guess its really hit home and brought a lot to the surface. Things that I might have been pushing away. There are many things that I haven’t felt fully because I have been so excited about Him, and now in hindsight I am so happy that he went away to New York this week – because I realise I needed it. I needed to be away from him so I could be alone for a while and deal. I don’t want my marriage to taint anything I have with him, so I am ironically so grateful that I deal with these feelings and that I don’t need him to help me, and that I don’t need him as a crutch.

What I feel for him real. Its not a two month fling. Its not a rebound. Its not a distraction. I truly am falling for this man, I truly am developing feelings for him. I think one of the biggest things that have made our relationship so special – I know that he cannot make me happy and he knows that I cannot make him happy. We can only make ourselves happy and we can only support each other and walk the road together.