A and his friends got home at 3am this morning and when we woke up he was so miserable and hungover. I woke up around 7:30 and so did one of his friends so we landed up cleaning the whole house after the disastrous mess after yesterdays party. We had coffee and chatted and landed up going to Krispy Kreme to get everyone donuts. It was awesome – really great getting to know A’s friends more.
A was such a grumpy baby the he landed up going home to sleep in his one bed lol. I stayed at my house and been listening to music in the garden and reading all day and its been amazing 🙂
I haven’t been alone in such a long time. I am either with friends or with A or I am working and I am too exhausted to write. Tonight is perfect. Me, my notebook, laptop and wine.
I wake up in the morning and all I want is to binge and purge. On anything and everything.
I walk through the city of Jerusalem, down Jaffa street. There is a beautiful chilly breeze and the skies are clear blue and the warm sun is on my back. But it’s as if the depression is still next to me. A dark cloud follows me. It’s above me and the darkness lingers.
I have to force myself to keep walking when all I want to do is run into a store and buy binge food and curl up in a corner and stay there.
My reflection repulsed me ‘don’t let it say these things to you’ I tell myself. Because the depression lies.
‘You’re worthless. You have no point in this world, you are ungrateful and you are a burden. The world would be better off without you’
I imagine the bench I am sitting on and I imagine it being empty and I picture it to be a prettier site.
An attractive empty bench, instead of this miserable ugly girl. With the scars on her thighs and the blackness in her heart that washes over all her organs.
It’s as if it’s all black inside now.
There isn’t a person anymore. No more Danielle. No more emotions and feelings and dreams, no hopes. It’s just the darkness of the depression now.
This holy city, for the Jews and the Muslims and the Christians.
There is this woman that is hollow.
I walk and I walk and I imagine that something will lift me out of this but I know there is nothing.
It’s a state that I am in and I have to wait for it to pass.
You walk and you walk and you walk.
I thought I would reflect and think about my ex husband, about my divorce and my current relationship. My future, what my plans are because I currently have no job. I live in a tiny room behind my uncles house.
But I don’t contemplate these things.
I focus on my steps and the wind and the view. My sore feet, the straps of my backpack digging into my skin, shoulders red. Where will I sleep tonight? Will I see anyone camping or will I be alone again?
Here and now and survival.
That’s all I think about really.
I have pitched my tent at Ha’on and I have a beautiful view of the Sea of Galilee, opposite me, across the ocean I see the city lights of Tiberius where I woke up yesterday.
I’m settling in. I’m making pasta and I’m writing for the first time and I am feeling calm.
I am content.
Looking forward to snuggling in my sleeping bag 😊
I caught a bus to Tiberius and I have no fucking idea what I am doing here.
Like seriously. Who the fuck decides to backpack with no plan through a country that is a war zone?
Honestly I am sitting in a mall and I when I step out of this mall. I am not sure where I am heading to. I’m going to walk 10km’s to the Sea of Galilee and then what?
I am a moron.
Also I feel so bad about kissing the guy. Ugh I miss Andrew,
I didn’t tell Andrew exactly. But he knows, I gave him the just of it. He said
‘Look, just be free ok, live in the moment. I miss you. You going to be ok, you need this time for yourself and you need to just be wild and do whatever you want. You are in such a confused space, just be. You need this. When you get back, I will be here’
I think he is a saint.
I feel like I don’t deserve him sometimes. What did I do to get so lucky to have such a special person in my life.
I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.
Now I realise, I was convenient.
I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.
I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?
You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.
I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.
My bosses husband was in a car accident.
I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.
I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.
Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.
I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.