Alone time – Day 21

images.jpg

A and his friends got home at 3am this morning and when we woke up he was so miserable and hungover. I woke up around 7:30 and so did one of his friends so we landed up cleaning the whole house after the disastrous mess after yesterdays party. We had coffee and chatted and landed up going to Krispy Kreme to get everyone donuts. It was awesome – really great getting to know A’s friends more.

A was such a grumpy baby the he landed up going home to sleep in his one bed lol. I stayed at my house and been listening to music in the garden and reading all day and its been amazing 🙂

Going abroad? Don’t forget to pack your depression and bulimia – Day 20 

 

 I wake up in the morning and all I want is to binge and purge. On anything and everything. 
and

I walk through the city of Jerusalem, down Jaffa street. There is a beautiful chilly breeze and the skies are clear blue and the warm sun is on my back. But it’s as if the depression is still next to me. A dark cloud follows me. It’s above me and the darkness lingers. 

I have to force myself to keep walking when all I want to do is run into a store and buy binge food and curl up in a corner and stay there. 

My reflection repulsed me ‘don’t let it say these things to you’ I tell myself. Because the depression lies. 

‘You’re worthless. You have no point in this world, you are ungrateful and you are a burden. The world would be better off without you’ 

I imagine the bench I am sitting on and I imagine it being empty and I picture it to be a prettier site. 

An attractive empty bench, instead of this miserable ugly girl. With the scars on her thighs and the blackness in her heart that washes over all her organs. 

It’s as if it’s all black inside now. 

There isn’t a person anymore. No more Danielle. No more emotions and feelings and dreams, no hopes. It’s just the darkness of the depression now. 
This holy city, for the Jews and the Muslims and the Christians. 

There is this woman that is hollow. 

I walk and I walk and I imagine that something will lift me out of this but I know there is nothing. 

It’s a state that I am in and I have to wait for it to pass. 

Settling in – Day 9 

  
 
You walk and you walk and you walk.

I thought I would reflect and think about my ex husband, about my divorce and my current relationship. My future, what my plans are because I currently have no job. I live in a tiny room behind my uncles house. 

But I don’t contemplate these things. 

I focus on my steps and the wind and the view. My sore feet, the straps of my backpack digging into my skin, shoulders red. Where will I sleep tonight? Will I see anyone camping or will I be alone again? 

Here and now and survival. 

That’s all I think about really.

I have pitched my tent at Ha’on and I have a beautiful view of the Sea of Galilee, opposite me, across the ocean I see the city lights of Tiberius where I woke up yesterday. 

I’m settling in. I’m making pasta and I’m writing for the first time and I am feeling calm.

I am content. 

Looking forward to snuggling in my sleeping bag 😊

I have no idea what I am doing – Day 7 


I caught a bus to Tiberius and I have no fucking idea what I am doing here.

Like seriously. Who the fuck decides to backpack with no plan through a country that is a war zone?

Honestly I am sitting in a mall and I when I step out of this mall. I am not sure where I am heading to. I’m going to walk 10km’s to the Sea of Galilee and then what?

I am a moron.

Also I feel so bad about kissing the guy. Ugh I miss Andrew,

I didn’t tell Andrew exactly. But he knows, I gave him the just of it. He said

‘Look, just be free ok, live in the moment. I miss you. You going to be ok, you need this time for yourself and you need to just be wild and do whatever you want. You are in such a confused space, just be. You need this. When you get back, I will be here’

I think he is a saint.

I feel like I don’t deserve him sometimes. What did I do to get so lucky to have such a special person in my life.

Come back to me – Day 9

come-back

I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.

Now I realise, I was convenient.

I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.

I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?

You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.

I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.

My boss and my bestie – Day 7

f8c93f610defa5ee29dfd0eeb16c2506bd713a5d67d0d7601cfbe8909910ad12

My bosses husband was in a car accident.

I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.

I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.

Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.

I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.

I get lost in you – Day 6

130719-Eventually-Soulmates-Meet-For-They-Have-The-Same-Hiding-Place

I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.

If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.

He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.

Regardless.

We made each other feel hope again.

We made each other feel whole again.

PART V – History strikes a nerve – Day 1

Bulimia-Nervosa.png

Today is day 101 and my husband is still miserable and blames me for ruining his life – fun times.

I am working for my parents until Friday and then back to the city and then I will be back on the following Friday for holidays.

A sliver of me was enjoying the day while the rest was anxious and felt like boiling over—with what, I’m not sure.

It is strange being home and working again. It is also a massive trigger for my eating disorder I have learned. When I was eighteen I worked for my parents for two months before going to study and it was during one of the most debilitating phases in my eating disorders. I hated myself. I was exercising 3 hours a day. I was binging and purging all day and then skipping dinner.

Being home is bringing back those memories. Having the same routine and having meals with my parents where my dad comments when he isn’t happy with the food, and how it upsets my mom, I see her shrugging it off and trying to ignore it but of course it gets to her. All the kind of foods I used to binge on are still in the grocery cupboards. All the chocolate is still in the same place. The exact scale I used is in my brothers bathroom which used to be my parents bathroom.

I’m scared to run. I went this morning but it took me forever to get out of bed, not because I was lazy but because I am absolutely petrified that I slip into over exercising and that I don’t find a balance. In a way this is also self sabotaging because I love exercising but ed is keeping me from it because it somehow tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Much like when I want a healthy meal, I eat junk food because there is some connection in my brain that registers that I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve to be ill.

Ugh.

It’s funny, when I am on the farm with my parents I am ok. When I am in my family home where I grew up and I am working, I am scared and I am anxious and I feel like that eighteen year old girl forcing herself to run for another hour to make up for a binge.

Just let go and be miserable and then let go – Day 19

Sad-Ariel-Doesnt-Want-To-Go-Home-Be-Miserable-For-The-Rest-Of-Her-Life-In-The-Little-Mermaid

What an emotional day.

I look awful. My eyes look so dark and gloomy and miserable.

I had lunch with my mom and my sister and I got tired of being so strong and holding up a front so I just broke down. I had a glass of wine and I just broke down about my husband and work and how sad and disappointed I am with myself for struggling so much. I think the fact that work isn’t going well has struck a nerve.

Work has been my crutch – work has been my distraction and the one thing that I have focused on and done all for myself and that I have felt in control of. Now I feel that work is out of my control.

Everything is however in my control and I know that I am just engaging in so much negative self talk at the moment. Its just been one of those really rough days where you start to feel hopeless and you struggle and you cant be strong and you hold up a brave face anymore and feeling positive just seems impossible.

For the first time in a while you think about leaving and running away. You don’t want to face things, even though everything is circling in your head and all the pain and hardships are flashing before your eyes. You just want to run far away because you stumbling in such a dark place.

And in the greater scheme of things, what you going through isn’t such a big deal. Yes, it seems like a big deal now, but it actually isn’t because you learning and you growing and you becoming such a strong person. Its just really difficult to see all the upsides when you wallowing in your little pit of misery – which is totally acceptable as far as I’m concerned – but you cant get stuck there.

I was disappointed – I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, divorce was the bravest and the best decision I have ever made. I guess I just from time to time get so disappointed in him and in myself. I loved him dearly and I will never see our time together as a mistake, I however sometimes wish that it could all have been avoided – because in a way it could have.

I know its not particularly productive and its not helpful to ever reread the story – but I wish that it could have been avoided before the wedding, that we could have ended the relationship before the wedding – there was no way we could have because it was the wedding itself that brought up all the problems that my husband and I just kept burying deep. However if I listen to him and to his family there is a part of me that sometimes feels that we could have saved each other and everyone involved from so much pain.

If his family truly felt the way they did about me, I wish they had told him. My parents always said he wasn’t man enough and he wasn’t assertive and that he had a drinking problem. I married him anyone. I loved him anyway. I guess I wish his family had cried the night before our wedding in front of him and told him to his face that he was making a mistake marrying me, and I wish he stood up for me and said no and married me anyway.
When they accused me of having an affair, I wish he stood up for me and said it would never be true. Instead he asked all my friends and family because he didn’t trust me.

My husband is friends with my brother in law and he told him that if there was a chance, he would want to try again. My sister told me this and I blurted out ‘Is he fucking retarded?’. I don’t know how to feel about that response. That however was my response – I guess it was just a statement that I said out aloud that really made it official that there really is no going back. Not now, not ever.

Am I completely wasting my time here – yes I am . Am I feeling sorry for myself – yes I am. And thats ok.

I think I worked through all the turmoil – I remember my boss even saying that my work wasn’t slacking at all and that I was performing so well. My friends and family were impressed at how well I handled everything. I did hide in my eating disorder and restricted and lost weight which I have now gained back as I’ve been hiding behind binging and purging. I think everything is coming to the surface. I think everything is starting to hit me.

Its all too much, its all at once.

I need to get it all out.

I need to let go of it all.

Now that work is in such a fragile state along with my health, I guess its really hit home and brought a lot to the surface. Things that I might have been pushing away. There are many things that I haven’t felt fully because I have been so excited about Him, and now in hindsight I am so happy that he went away to New York this week – because I realise I needed it. I needed to be away from him so I could be alone for a while and deal. I don’t want my marriage to taint anything I have with him, so I am ironically so grateful that I deal with these feelings and that I don’t need him to help me, and that I don’t need him as a crutch.

What I feel for him real. Its not a two month fling. Its not a rebound. Its not a distraction. I truly am falling for this man, I truly am developing feelings for him. I think one of the biggest things that have made our relationship so special – I know that he cannot make me happy and he knows that I cannot make him happy. We can only make ourselves happy and we can only support each other and walk the road together.