Take that ED – Part 15 Day 1,2

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Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.

In a healthy way with no obsessions.

No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.

Just balancing.

Me!

Boom!

Self worth – Day 19

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It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.

I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.

I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.

But we have to keep on moving on and on…

I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.

This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.

Happy Birthday you evil bitch – Day 3

EDNOS turns 10 years old this year.

Since the tender age of 16 we have been friends.

We had our breaks from each other. For years at a time we were only in contact once in a while. But our friendship never ended. We will always be there for each other in times of need.

 

Lets go binge and purge on your birthday cake…

Oh by the way I have to share my breakfast with you! 

  
6 months ago in the height of my eating disorder when I was super skinny – god how I miss those days. 

I would never have touched bread, never mind a croissant. And peanut butter – can anyone say CALORIES!!! 

Look at me now. 

Ok it’s also literally all there is to eat at the hostel. And beggars can’t be choosers. 

I have also just made the most horrendous coffee ever! 

Cheers to wearing my fat jeans again – Day 2

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I love how you guys are always around to catch me when I fall with your elastic waist band 🙂

You fit again, and it’s annoying, I want you to be loose again, please be loose again…

The thing is, that I don’t feel that we belong. We simply don’t fit, we literally ripping holes into each other and overflowing with emotion. However the sad truth is, that when we together we comfort each other and egg each other on to binge and purge and feel the sweet satisfaction of control again…and then we get consumed.

So we are going to sit here now, in the garden with glass of wine and we going to sort out our differences and we going to accept and respect one another and build each other up. We are going to stop judging one another.

Cheers to us. Cheers to the love and respect we are harvesting…

Recovery is every moment of every day – Day 10

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It wasn’t intentional, but while I was binging I decided that I had to throw up. I missed the sore feeling in my throat. I missed the safety I felt after doing it. I miss being in the world I created, where its just me and the binging and the scarred knuckles. Where nothing can get me down, my eating disorder and I together on top and nothing can reach us as long as we have each other. Like lovers, and this time I’m not sure if I want to leave this relationship.

I binged on mini caramel swiss rolls, nuttella, chocolate mousse, custard slices and mcflurry’s. The beginnings of these episodes are always glorious! The rush and excitement, when the sugar settles in your mouth and its like a high. But the middles and ends are crushing.
The conviction, post binge, that you are the most disgusting, worthless creature on Earth is total, as consuming a psychic pain as I have ever experienced. Yet, time after time, the emotional fallout from bingeing proves so excruciating that I vow to never, never, do it again. The sad part is that I know I will. Every time I start a binge lately, I think to myself that it is no big deal as I am going to Israel and I will get better when I am there. There will be no junk to buy and constantly hoard.I rightfully know that this is a blatant lie. Recovery happens now, right now.

When will I realise this can kill me – Day 6

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I tried to purge today, I literally scratched my throat with my nails and almost choked, and so I just ran out the bathroom horrified.

Something my dad said in June. He wishes my ex husband went to them and said ‘Danielle has relapsed, we need to help her’ instead of dismissing it and making me out to be attention seeking. ‘It’s not a choice, she’s hiding and running away’

 

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

PART V – History strikes a nerve – Day 1

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Today is day 101 and my husband is still miserable and blames me for ruining his life – fun times.

I am working for my parents until Friday and then back to the city and then I will be back on the following Friday for holidays.

A sliver of me was enjoying the day while the rest was anxious and felt like boiling over—with what, I’m not sure.

It is strange being home and working again. It is also a massive trigger for my eating disorder I have learned. When I was eighteen I worked for my parents for two months before going to study and it was during one of the most debilitating phases in my eating disorders. I hated myself. I was exercising 3 hours a day. I was binging and purging all day and then skipping dinner.

Being home is bringing back those memories. Having the same routine and having meals with my parents where my dad comments when he isn’t happy with the food, and how it upsets my mom, I see her shrugging it off and trying to ignore it but of course it gets to her. All the kind of foods I used to binge on are still in the grocery cupboards. All the chocolate is still in the same place. The exact scale I used is in my brothers bathroom which used to be my parents bathroom.

I’m scared to run. I went this morning but it took me forever to get out of bed, not because I was lazy but because I am absolutely petrified that I slip into over exercising and that I don’t find a balance. In a way this is also self sabotaging because I love exercising but ed is keeping me from it because it somehow tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Much like when I want a healthy meal, I eat junk food because there is some connection in my brain that registers that I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve to be ill.

Ugh.

It’s funny, when I am on the farm with my parents I am ok. When I am in my family home where I grew up and I am working, I am scared and I am anxious and I feel like that eighteen year old girl forcing herself to run for another hour to make up for a binge.