I have just released the lookbook for my latest collection and I hate it.
It isn’t nearly as good as my last collection – it isn’t getting as many likes and people aren’t contacting me.
Who am I kidding to think I can even be a fashion designer? That I can actually make money off this? That people will actually wear my clothes.
I am heading down a negative spiral!
Of course I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and that I need to be kind to myself – but the anxiety is just taking over.
Literally blogging from KrsipyKreme
Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.
In a healthy way with no obsessions.
No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.
I guess I need to be proud of that?
Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.
Instead realize how far you’ve come?
I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.
I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.
Today it took me about three hours to actually get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and actually just get ready to tackle the day. I woke up and I just couldn’t. Something as simple as showering seems as if its as big of a challenge as climbing a mountain.
All I want to do is sleep. But when I lay in bed this morning, not managing to get up, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was as if I had pins and needles in my veins and blood and organs, as if anxiety was in my body and it wasn’t a symptom that I was feeling – it was actually inside me – a part of me. And all I want to do is climb out of my own skin.
Would it effect you if you skipped your antidepressant for one day?
I just forgot to drink it.
And is it the placebo effect or am I really an anxious wreck?
I don’t know what it is but its hell and I feel myself climbing back into that dark hole.
Sometimes I get so petrified that something is going to go terribly wrong with my relationship that I want to run away from it all.
Its so incredible and I’m enjoying it cautiously. But I get scared that its all going to slip away…
Its been a year since I’ve been living alone and the separation and so on.
Only now am I starting to feel like myself again.
I feel as if I have completely moved on and let go of the past. I’m starting to fall in love with myself again and respect and nurture myself.
And I’m focusing on my career and my dreams again.
It’s all coming together.
I randomly thought about cutting today. For the first time in months the thought self harming. There was no trigger and there was no urge, it was just a thought and it was an attractive thought.
The thing is that I’m 26 years old and cutting seems childish? Its as if society has labeled cutting as a form of self harm that is associated with teenagers, but its definitely a form of self harm that is favoured among adults as well.
The last time I cut was in March when I was in Israel and I was going through such a rough time. I cut myself twice on my left thigh and I’m still bearing the scars and I’ll admit that I do feel slightly self conscious about them.
But yesterday I thought about cutting myself on that same left thigh. I though about the way the blade would slash thin lines across my skin and it would sting the blood would slowly start to appear, in the form of little droplets along the cut lines.
I am sad to admit, but it seems so appealing.
Sometimes I see A every evening for like 14 days straight or so.
And my anxious brain that feels the need to question everything in this life, wonders if this is a good thing.
We meant to take things slow but we see each other all the time…
A has made it quite clear that he wants to take things slow and I really need to take things slow.
I however don’t know what thats like. I know how to be in a couple, because for the past 5 years of my life, I’ve been in a couple. I don’t know how to plan things without my partner and I don’t know how to be chill. I have no idea.
My parents have an opportunity to take me with to Namibia for a mini holiday and for business and they’ve invited A to come with. He however has booked for a festival that weekend with friends. Now I naturally want him to come with me to Namibia. But can I ask him to cancel with his friends? Can I ask him to choose me? Well yes of course I can but its only been almost 6 months that we’ve been dating – soooo?
Am I moving to fast now?
Can I ask him to join me, if he says no, I’ll be upset? Of course my mum already said surely he can cancel a trip with friends for a trip to a different country? Well yes, mum he can, but should he?
My anxiety is eating me up alive.
I cant do this. I just cant. I want everything to be simple. I want to be single or married. I cant do this dating thing.