It’s just a matter of time – Day 3

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Sneak peak into Resort 2017 collection being launched 28 November 2016.

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You should be a part time model – PART 16 Day 1

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Well its 11am and my model was meant to come see me at 1pm.

She just cancelled.

And I mean cancelled today and cancelled for the shoot tomorrow.

Its exactly 22hours until the shoot and I still have to hem 2 pairs of pants, 3 dresses and put buttons on 2 dresses and then steam all the clothes. And also find a new model – Fantastic.


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But guess what. My previous model from my last shoot is available thank god. And I’m going to use her again. She is perfect, reliable and enthusiastic and I know my clothing fits her incredibly well. It would be child’s play to search for a new model at such a late stage and just pray that she is good and fits into my clothes.

In all honestly – perhaps this was a blessing.

Tattoos? I’m getting bored of even posting about them, but I can’t shake it – Day 11

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Now A’s whole family has seen all my tats – they seem fine with them – shocked and very surprised but they seem ok. I’m terrified though, obviously they think of me slightly different. Now imagine how my anxiety has completely spiraled out of control worrying about their reaction when they find out divorced or had an eating disorder and depression. I really love them and they like me – but they have absolutely no idea about my past and details about me. They think I’m sweet and innocent and come from a lovely family and I’m sweet and kind and all those lovely things – which I am of course, but I’m a lot more. – imagine the shock and suprise then…naturally I’m scared they don’t like me anymore and they don’t think I’m good enough. 

Also a family friend of theirs thats an asshole was at dinner last night. Literally wouldn’t start asking me about tattoos all through dinner and making comments.

Ugh…

Annoying.

The launch – Day 9

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I launched my collection today!

It was the scariest moment ever. Its so hard to put yourself out there creatively. All the criticism that you’ll receive on work that is so close to your soul. It was as if I was baring my soul to everyone when I launch it – I had so many mixed emotions.

Excited of course but horrified.

The fear I felt was unreal and the uncertainty was debilitating. I kept thinking to myself that I was being ridiculous. The voices in my head kept saying ‘your’e not good enough’ and ‘no one will like your clothes’ and things like ‘you’re not even talented, who do you think you are to even call yourself a designer and embark on this journey’.

‘You’re not good enough’

The voices just kept going and I didn’t even stop them and I didn’t fight them. I merely listened to them and said ‘I hear you, but I’m going to do it anyway’. And I did 🙂 and the response has been amazing!

If you wanna check it out – check my Facebook page for the collection:

https://www.facebook.com/daniellefrylinckdesign/

Photo shoot – Day 3

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Today was my shoot for my Spring/Summer Collection.

It was awesome and now I am so exhausted, from all the emotions – because Danielle cant do anything without it turning into a roller coaster of emotions. Also because the shoot took 5 hours!

The model was so lovely and the photographer too – they absolutely loved my clothes which was amazing because I judge myself so harshly that I often stop to think about the actual designs and the work – I just think about the fact that its my work and I already see a thousand flaws. But seeing the clothes today with them, and viewing everything through fresh eyes made me feel a bit proud of it all.

My mom also came to the city, 500km’s away to help with my shoot and support me which was so incredibly special 🙂 she brought wine and we all made a toast.

Such a special day.

Work bitch- Day 4

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So today is the first day that I am actually officially starting to work again, ease into things again and try figure out my next move.

First thing is to start my best friends wedding dress – now she has a really low budget which is making things incredibly tricky. It is my first day back in the clothing industry and I already am agitated.

Wedding photos in my wedding dress – Day 21

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First and foremost – I demolished the hamburger yesterday and I went on to have a full meal at dinner and wine and dessert – BOOM!

I collected my wedding photos today.

Yes after 10 months of marriage I only collected my wedding photographs – they have been ready since March. I just never collected them. Even while I was married, even early days, I didn’t want them. I wanted no reminders of the day that ruined my relationship with my husband. Yes it wasn’t that particular day – but thats the day that everything came out. That day was the day that everything started to spiral out of control.

I realise that I am nostalgic. Driving back home from my parents today, back home, as I drove into the city I had an urge to go home – my home that I built. I didn’t want to go there with my husband per se, but I wanted to go home. I wanted to play with the dogs, I wanted to cook a meal in my kitchen and I wanted to sit on my couch. I felt like the space and I felt like feeling as if I was home.

I think its important to differentiate between missing something and actually wanting it back. I don’t want to go back there and I don’t want to live there, alone or with my husband. I do however miss it, boy do I miss it.

The bathroom, we had a really nice shower, I miss taking long baths and I miss having a king sized bed. I miss having a pantry and fridge full of food and cooking up a storm and baking and entertaining. I miss painting in my garden and I miss the smell of the freshly watered grass. I miss sitting at my dressing table in the morning doing my hair and watching reruns of ‘how I met your mother’ on the couch.

I don’t want to go back. I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful for what this journey has taught me, not only have I learnt about myself and grown but I have never experienced so much love. My family and friends came in with a cavalry and carried me through all this and I will be forever grateful. I am so blessed.

Just had a box of chocolates – shrugging it off. I don’t know how I feel when I hold my wedding photos in my hands, numb, nostalgic or indifferent. I don’t know, and that makes me panic a bit, so I binged and thats ok.

One of my best friends came over and I wore my wedding dress and we drank wine and laughed and had an amazing time. Again, there was slight panic as I felt nothing for my dress. It was like I was wearing any other dress in my wardrobe.

Just let go and be miserable and then let go – Day 19

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What an emotional day.

I look awful. My eyes look so dark and gloomy and miserable.

I had lunch with my mom and my sister and I got tired of being so strong and holding up a front so I just broke down. I had a glass of wine and I just broke down about my husband and work and how sad and disappointed I am with myself for struggling so much. I think the fact that work isn’t going well has struck a nerve.

Work has been my crutch – work has been my distraction and the one thing that I have focused on and done all for myself and that I have felt in control of. Now I feel that work is out of my control.

Everything is however in my control and I know that I am just engaging in so much negative self talk at the moment. Its just been one of those really rough days where you start to feel hopeless and you struggle and you cant be strong and you hold up a brave face anymore and feeling positive just seems impossible.

For the first time in a while you think about leaving and running away. You don’t want to face things, even though everything is circling in your head and all the pain and hardships are flashing before your eyes. You just want to run far away because you stumbling in such a dark place.

And in the greater scheme of things, what you going through isn’t such a big deal. Yes, it seems like a big deal now, but it actually isn’t because you learning and you growing and you becoming such a strong person. Its just really difficult to see all the upsides when you wallowing in your little pit of misery – which is totally acceptable as far as I’m concerned – but you cant get stuck there.

I was disappointed – I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, divorce was the bravest and the best decision I have ever made. I guess I just from time to time get so disappointed in him and in myself. I loved him dearly and I will never see our time together as a mistake, I however sometimes wish that it could all have been avoided – because in a way it could have.

I know its not particularly productive and its not helpful to ever reread the story – but I wish that it could have been avoided before the wedding, that we could have ended the relationship before the wedding – there was no way we could have because it was the wedding itself that brought up all the problems that my husband and I just kept burying deep. However if I listen to him and to his family there is a part of me that sometimes feels that we could have saved each other and everyone involved from so much pain.

If his family truly felt the way they did about me, I wish they had told him. My parents always said he wasn’t man enough and he wasn’t assertive and that he had a drinking problem. I married him anyone. I loved him anyway. I guess I wish his family had cried the night before our wedding in front of him and told him to his face that he was making a mistake marrying me, and I wish he stood up for me and said no and married me anyway.
When they accused me of having an affair, I wish he stood up for me and said it would never be true. Instead he asked all my friends and family because he didn’t trust me.

My husband is friends with my brother in law and he told him that if there was a chance, he would want to try again. My sister told me this and I blurted out ‘Is he fucking retarded?’. I don’t know how to feel about that response. That however was my response – I guess it was just a statement that I said out aloud that really made it official that there really is no going back. Not now, not ever.

Am I completely wasting my time here – yes I am . Am I feeling sorry for myself – yes I am. And thats ok.

I think I worked through all the turmoil – I remember my boss even saying that my work wasn’t slacking at all and that I was performing so well. My friends and family were impressed at how well I handled everything. I did hide in my eating disorder and restricted and lost weight which I have now gained back as I’ve been hiding behind binging and purging. I think everything is coming to the surface. I think everything is starting to hit me.

Its all too much, its all at once.

I need to get it all out.

I need to let go of it all.

Now that work is in such a fragile state along with my health, I guess its really hit home and brought a lot to the surface. Things that I might have been pushing away. There are many things that I haven’t felt fully because I have been so excited about Him, and now in hindsight I am so happy that he went away to New York this week – because I realise I needed it. I needed to be away from him so I could be alone for a while and deal. I don’t want my marriage to taint anything I have with him, so I am ironically so grateful that I deal with these feelings and that I don’t need him to help me, and that I don’t need him as a crutch.

What I feel for him real. Its not a two month fling. Its not a rebound. Its not a distraction. I truly am falling for this man, I truly am developing feelings for him. I think one of the biggest things that have made our relationship so special – I know that he cannot make me happy and he knows that I cannot make him happy. We can only make ourselves happy and we can only support each other and walk the road together.

All you need to get through a divorce and eating disorder recovery is retail therapy, a hairbrush to sing into, a box of tissues, insane amounts of chocolate, people who love you and self love and acceptance – Day 8

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I bought a new watch today 🙂 so excited and new shoes and a new handbag and a new skirt that I have had my eye on for weeks but its soooo expensive and now it was on sale whoop whoop and now I am broke :0

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I also bought a Selena Gomez album – so I feel like a 13 year old girl that constantly wants to sing into her hairbrush – its light and its fluffy and its fun – and that is white I need right now

So I am getting a bit tubby. Not even exaggerating here- jeans feeling tight and boobs growing, getting tubby. Its because I don’t go to gym daily anymore and because of the recent binging and purging. Bulimia is such a bitch – I mean seriously, she tries to convince you that you can purge the calories, but when you having gluttonous binges, there is no way you getting rid of all that food. So ironically, contrary to popular belief, you are not skinny if you have an eating disorder. I actually am at my heaviest when I indulge in destructive bulimic habits, when I restrict I’m obviously thinner, and at my goal weight and then I am healthy I am at my set point weight. I think recovery is about accepting your set point weight. The weight where your body is healthy and comfortable.

Health first…weight second

I’ve literally had half a bottle of wine all by myself…

So I’m a little anxious of course.

I did however eat all my meals today and I made myself a salmon salad for dinner and then I polished off half a slab of 99% Lindt dark chocolate. Yes I am that person, that has a whole slab of dark chocolate. And thats ok. I also then had a bowl of muesli and thats ok too.

Be kind to yourself Danielle, be kind.