The little giants – Day 19

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My niece and nephew have grown so much and they are growing so quickly that they seem like giants compared to their former selves.

They are magical.

We played and laughed and chatted the time away.

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There is only one thing to do when you feeling this way and that is to write – Day 14

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Yesterday afternoon A and I took the plunge. We’ve been discussing it for months but I’ve always been nervous and I wanted to be ready and take it slow…

We had a few vodka cranberries, chatted about life, kissed playfully and giggled. Made love on the couch – it was incredible. It was so intimate. Later we found ourselves upstairs in bed and he asked if we should try and I said yes. It was painful but he was so gentle, he was so loving and soft and made sure I was ok and comfortable at all times and he made sure that I felt completely in control. He liked it, said it felt different, really good but different. And I liked it, it was sore, but like a good kind of sore, but every time I started to enjoy I would be reminded that is was slightly painful, even though a good kind of painful.

I asked him to stop, and we could try again later because it was really just so incredibly overwhelming. Because I don’t think I have ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted A in that moment. I never even trusted my ex husband like that. The trust and the connection I felt last night was so powerful – I know he obviously felt connected to me as well, but I think for a man, the physical experience overrides everything else?

Afterwards I felt so raw and emotional, we lay in each others arms kissing and he said ‘how did I get so lucky?’ and I replied with the same. ‘I’m really just the luckiest to have you, you’re so special’ he said. And I smiled and closed my eyes on his chest.

I guess I’m just surprised at the emotional effect this has had on me. In a way I feel like a changed woman, like a whole new reality has been revealed to me and that mine and A’s relationship will definitely be different from here on out. Not a huge difference, but a slight difference. Because its as if letting go completely – for possibly the first time in my life – has shown so much trust and love for him. I felt so vulnerable and safe and close to him. The connection was like something we had never experienced before.

I guess I’m scared and I’m anxious because I feel so out of control around him – so natural and organic – and that is a foreign territory for me. I have fallen so in love, with no safety net and it’s the most frightening experience.

I feel so incredibly vulnerable and emotional now.

Baby smiles – Day 5

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Another one of my best friends who we visited today is pregnant 🙂

We extending our family and my I couldn’t be happier. We looked at her ultrasound and my heart skipped a beat.

It is as if my soul is smile.

I will admit that being with her and her husband today did tug on my heart strings a little. She got married 6 months after I did and we always spoke about being pregnant together. It did bring back memories of all the hopes and dreams I had of having a family and a life with my ex husband. When I open the kitchen cupboards I find myself wishing that I had a home with kitchen cupboards instead of my tiny space I have. I wish I had a guest room and a living room and a room to share with the one I love.

One day…

I wish I could freeze these moments – Day 7

Today I went to Rosh Hanikra and Akko, and it was absolutely magnificent.

The crystal clear water, the sounds of the waves on the grottos rocks and the chirping of the fruit bats hiding.

These moments when my heart and my soul are smiling, these are the moments that I wish I could freeze these moments. Where all the anxiety calms and the intrusive thoughts are silent.

Part 7 – the sun has come out – Day 1 

  

These beautiful ceramic handpainted balls bring happiness! I bought three, I love them! 

For possibly the first time in all the chapters in my blog, a Part actually ended well and a new one is starting on a high! 

To be honest. I can hardly write, I have been struggling to journal because no words can describe the experience and the joy right now! 

The sun is out, saw the Hagia Sophia and the blue mosque! It was incredible! Walked around and explored. Met a lovely Muslim man who’s name I cannot remember, and he gave me a little bit of a tour. I bought gifts and I bought a carpet- yes Danielle bought a carpet in Turkey and will be traveling with it in her backpack around Israel – I know, I’m ridiculous! 

Most little shops are family owned, they are so quaint, as you enter they offer you tea and coffee. The most delicious apple tea of my life. 

Met another Turkish man by the name of Ilan and he was lovely! We had Turkish coffee and some traditional lunch, and I of course cannot remember what it was called! 

It’s so magical here, I constantly walk around smiling from ear to ear looking like a fool 😁

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.