Mini swiss rolls and financial panic – Day 4,5

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Resort collection used quite a bit of money…

Today I bought fabrics for my new orders and my bank balance has now slipped into the negatives. Thankfully a very spontaneous woman popped into my studio today and she wants a skirt so thats a tiny bit of money at least. But its not enough to cover medical expenses, pay for my storage unit – where all my furniture from my marriage is just stagnating and sucking up my funds, also the my phone, gym… and so on.

I have 7 days to get in new orders and make money?

So I’m sitting binging on mini Swiss rolls and browsing through my room looking for things that I could potentially sell for some extra cash?

Holding thumbs when the resort collection is released on Monday, I get lots of traffic!

I don’t feel guilty – Day 22

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I spend every night with A usually except Mondays because he plays soccer and then I catch up on all my admin work. It feels strange being in bed alone, I miss him. I’ve become so attached.

I went to gym 6 times last week – whoop whoop! But then didn’t go today because I had strange back pain.

I just had chocolate brownies for dinner – and I don’t feel guilty. Not even a little…

Fragile – Day 16

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Came home to the farm today.

I don’t know why I am so emotional lately and my mum can sense it. She often asks if I’m ok and I promise her that I am, even though I just want to burst into tears all the time.

Guilt plagues me and I’m constantly scared something is going to happen.

Like a little child, I feel I might get into trouble at any moment.

I don’t know if it’s just the anxiety from starting a new relationship and a business. Or if its because a year ago my life fell apart and the trauma is effecting me now. Maybe a combination of everything.

Energy vacuum – Day 13

  
An eating disorder takes up so much energy. It’s such a waste of energy to abuse your body, talk down to your body and hate your image. 

Binge and purge on chocolate chip cookies and now eating pancakes with cinnamon and honey. 

And I’m like ‘fuck it fatty, just keep eating’ 

Escaping 

 
 
Escaping to Jordan at the Israeli and Jordan boarder. 

First day of my volunteering, spending the day at the hostel until 3 and then off to explore Katzrin and get some groceries. 

Baked chocolate chip cookies and had three! Ugh! Now that’s lunch I guess. Maybe in two hours or so I will have lunch. 

All these mixed emotions – Day 12

 

 
Had a lovely day! Went to a hot springs, a old deserted military camp and the boarder of Israel and Jordan! 

Haven’t felt so fat in a while, confidence lacking, didn’t swim in the hot springs. Everyone kept asking why and I just said it was because I still had a cold. It was because I didn’t want to get into a bikini and have everyone see me. 

I’m really feeling anxious. 

I started tapering down in my meds, I forgot about it and now that the anxiety is so strong I realize that the meds could be the cause? I’m going to stay on the lower dose for a bit and see how it goes. 

Still dreaming of Nutella.

Skyped with Andrew for 2 hours and it was lovely. I miss him so much! So much! 

This too shall pass

  
Nutella. 

Nutella..

Nutella…

All the Nutella in the world. 

Right now! 

Strong binge urges. Had the most delicious lunch ever of pita bread and hummus and I am so full. 

I had such a wonderful day – which I will post about. 

But for now. 

Nutella. 

Nothing sounds more attractive than binge and purge right now 🙁

Going to skype with Andrew in a bit so just staring at my phone waiting for this to pass. 

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.