Today, for the first time n a long time I felt like binging and purging.
So I had two donuts for breakfast and then restricted the rest of the day and had another donut on my way home.
Now I’m waiting for one of my best friends to come over for wine because she needed to chat and I think I need to chat too. Spend some time with a friend and have some girl time.
The cause of the urges is due to quite a few things
I have lost weight recently and I’m loving it and this causes a bit of anxiety – because instead of just continuing to eat healthy and exercise – I get anxious and I freak out and I obsess – I’m trying so hard to not slip into old ways but today it go the better of me.
Work is very stressful – things are going well, but money is tight and the voices are loud.
I’m going away for a week with my parents and A is going away with his friends for a weekend – I don’t know why this makes me anxious but it does?
So I’m eating donuts daily…
I’ve been eating all day…
Probably because I’m on my period. But still, why am I eating so much.
Work is a bit rough…
All the money I made from my last job has been spent on paying the monthly bills and now I’m broke. And it sucks.
I’m a bit stressed I will admit.
Came home to the farm today.
I don’t know why I am so emotional lately and my mum can sense it. She often asks if I’m ok and I promise her that I am, even though I just want to burst into tears all the time.
Guilt plagues me and I’m constantly scared something is going to happen.
Like a little child, I feel I might get into trouble at any moment.
I don’t know if it’s just the anxiety from starting a new relationship and a business. Or if its because a year ago my life fell apart and the trauma is effecting me now. Maybe a combination of everything.
Something happened a long time ago…
Something that made me feel that I deserved to be punished. When I do something wrong I deserve to be punished. When I start feeling happy I need to be punished because I don’t deserve it. I just won’t allow it. Something in me just won’t allow me to be happy.
Today was so stressful, I made a mistake at work and I just crumbled. And now I feel so much better after purging. So so so much better…
Weighed myself this morning – What a fuck up, surprised the scale didn’t collapse. Skipped breakfast – This actually wasn’t even intentional, I just landed up having an incredibly busy morning. Had a sandwich for lunch and now having lasagne for dinner. Went grocery shopping this evening and making a meal plan for the week. I have to get into healthier habits, and it will be nice to shed a few kg’s while at it.
I have started reading a book called ‘Letting go of Ed’ by Pippa Wilson.
I’m hoping it helps me to let go.
It’s been 10 years.
It’s time to let go…
Today was bad again…
Biscuits for days…
Will the cycle ever end? No probably not.
Today I took two naps, ate around 3000calories before 12pm and then I ate lunch as well. Restricted the rest of the day of course and only started doing work around 3pm.
Went for a nice long walk and then bathed and now in bed by 8pm already.
I miss A.
The moment I binged and purged at their wedding I knew that things had fallen apart. We spent the whole wedding arguing.
‘Thats the way a bride is supposed to act, she isn’t saying a speech and she isn’t taking over the wedding, her family isn’t taking over the wedding’ he said.
And all I could do was nod.
‘This is the way a wedding is supposed to be’ my husband said while nodding his head furiously. ‘I’m still so embarrassed by the way your family just ruled the wedding, how nobody included me and nobody consulted me or cared about me at my own wedding.’
‘I still can’t believe you did this to me Danielle, I still can’t believe how you emasculated me.’
And again I just nodded and apologised profusely.
‘We can never get that night back. We’ll never be able to have it back, the most important day of our lives and you ruined it!’
Every second I could get away from him and the blaming I would suddenly find myself at the desserts, binging on everything and anything I could find. Running downstairs into the fields and into the darkness and purging. Tears running my cheeks and my face stoning from the cold and I was purging. I would go to the bathroom and freshen up and go back upstairs to the reception and the cycle would begin again. And all the time through the purging I just kept saying to myself ‘You falling apart Danielle, You are falling apart, ’
I cannot fathom how blessed I am and how content I feel right now…
I am feeling so anxiety ridden.
The wind is howling, the trees swaying and it feels like the weather is matching my insides. How is it that our moods flit so quickly. Much like the weather now a days, climate change and gloabal warming, we experience four seasons in one day. Rain when the sun is shining and wind howling when a few moments ago the sun was setting slowly.
Depression just is, much like the weather, it just is.
I can’t sleep, I usually go to bed really early but tonight I just cannot fall asleep.
Because the little voice in my head keeps telling me lies about how weak and useless I am.
EDNOS turns 10 years old this year.
Since the tender age of 16 we have been friends.
We had our breaks from each other. For years at a time we were only in contact once in a while. But our friendship never ended. We will always be there for each other in times of need.
Lets go binge and purge on your birthday cake…