Went to the clinic today to visit one of my best friends. Her diagnosis is now a dual diagnoses for bipolar disorder and alcoholism. So she has been moved to a different unit.
It was really great visiting her, she is doing so well. Albeit very anxious and stressed of course, but the therapy is really working and she is working so hard and dealing with everything so well.
I am so proud of her 🙂
Had dinner with one of my best friends tonight and it was great.
She has bipolar disorder and has been going through a really tough time so it was great to catch up with her and see that she is doing better.
We chatted, had wine and only landed up going home at midnight.
It’s crazy how we can have so many different experiences with mental health, a year ago I was in the boat she is now and I could relate to everything she said. Now its like a distant memory. Do we forget? Do we choose to forget or do we block it out?
I got a new tattoo…
I love it!
When I was looking at my arm before the tattoo artist began I saw the faint lines of where I used to cut my arms in my late teens and early twenties and I just smiled. How far I have come.
Because everything passes, in those moments where we feel like nothing will change and we are stuck. When the anxiety strikes and there is no way out- it will pass. When a binge and purge urge strikes it will pass. When you want to crawl out of your skin- that feeling will pass.
And when the pain and the hurt is too much – it will pass.
When did you stop caring?’ he asked.‘I didn’t, I still care, I care too much’
A asked about my recent weight gain. How I am being so nonchalant about it. I cared too much. Its not that I just stopped caring about what I looked like, so I just allowed my weight to balloon. That’s not what it is. I cared too much and I worried too much and I obsessed too much. That is what caused the weight gain. Because of caring too much, the anxiety takes its toll and the eating disorder takes over and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re eating disorder decides if she wants to lead you in the restricting route or the overeating route.
You cannot simply choose…
I want to binge and purge and sleep and repeat this cycle continuously.
This morning I walked into the desert and sat in a tiny bit of shade and thought about what if life just stopped. If it all just ended. I ended.
No more fear and anxiety. No more feelings of inadequacy and hatred for myself. No more feeling like a burden to my family. My parents wouldn’t have to dish out money to their daughter that is just never going to grow up, the daughter with no direction, failing at everything.
Just ending everything.
I guess I came to Israel to escape this and it followed me because it is me.
I am feeling so anxiety ridden.
The wind is howling, the trees swaying and it feels like the weather is matching my insides. How is it that our moods flit so quickly. Much like the weather now a days, climate change and gloabal warming, we experience four seasons in one day. Rain when the sun is shining and wind howling when a few moments ago the sun was setting slowly.
Depression just is, much like the weather, it just is.
I can’t sleep, I usually go to bed really early but tonight I just cannot fall asleep.
Because the little voice in my head keeps telling me lies about how weak and useless I am.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.
Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.
Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.
26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.
I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.
My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.
My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.
I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.
I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.
I’m not alone and I’ll never be.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.