Went to the clinic today to visit one of my best friends. Her diagnosis is now a dual diagnoses for bipolar disorder and alcoholism. So she has been moved to a different unit.
It was really great visiting her, she is doing so well. Albeit very anxious and stressed of course, but the therapy is really working and she is working so hard and dealing with everything so well.
I am so proud of her 🙂
Had dinner with one of my best friends tonight and it was great.
She has bipolar disorder and has been going through a really tough time so it was great to catch up with her and see that she is doing better.
We chatted, had wine and only landed up going home at midnight.
It’s crazy how we can have so many different experiences with mental health, a year ago I was in the boat she is now and I could relate to everything she said. Now its like a distant memory. Do we forget? Do we choose to forget or do we block it out?
I got a new tattoo…
I love it!
When I was looking at my arm before the tattoo artist began I saw the faint lines of where I used to cut my arms in my late teens and early twenties and I just smiled. How far I have come.
Because everything passes, in those moments where we feel like nothing will change and we are stuck. When the anxiety strikes and there is no way out- it will pass. When a binge and purge urge strikes it will pass. When you want to crawl out of your skin- that feeling will pass.
And when the pain and the hurt is too much – it will pass.
When did you stop caring?’ he asked.‘I didn’t, I still care, I care too much’
A asked about my recent weight gain. How I am being so nonchalant about it. I cared too much. Its not that I just stopped caring about what I looked like, so I just allowed my weight to balloon. That’s not what it is. I cared too much and I worried too much and I obsessed too much. That is what caused the weight gain. Because of caring too much, the anxiety takes its toll and the eating disorder takes over and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re eating disorder decides if she wants to lead you in the restricting route or the overeating route.
You cannot simply choose…
I want to binge and purge and sleep and repeat this cycle continuously.
This morning I walked into the desert and sat in a tiny bit of shade and thought about what if life just stopped. If it all just ended. I ended.
No more fear and anxiety. No more feelings of inadequacy and hatred for myself. No more feeling like a burden to my family. My parents wouldn’t have to dish out money to their daughter that is just never going to grow up, the daughter with no direction, failing at everything.
Just ending everything.
I guess I came to Israel to escape this and it followed me because it is me.
I am feeling so anxiety ridden.
The wind is howling, the trees swaying and it feels like the weather is matching my insides. How is it that our moods flit so quickly. Much like the weather now a days, climate change and gloabal warming, we experience four seasons in one day. Rain when the sun is shining and wind howling when a few moments ago the sun was setting slowly.
Depression just is, much like the weather, it just is.
I can’t sleep, I usually go to bed really early but tonight I just cannot fall asleep.
Because the little voice in my head keeps telling me lies about how weak and useless I am.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.