Its exactly a year to the day that my divorce decree was granted in the courts and all was finalized.
I was standing on a mountain in Mossel Bay with N and we kissed and he said ‘Here’s to no longer living in adultery’ and we laughed and hugged.
Then it was over.
Just like that – a judge signs the papers and 3.5 years is dissolved – just like that.
Today I decided to spring clean my flat…
I found many things, like shopping in my own wardrobe, notebooks, memories…
I found my wedding rings, my wedding photos, my guestbook and my wedding dress.
I read through every message that every guest wrote. Everyone was so loving and the messages touched my heart deeply. People had so much love for us as a couple and we had so much love for each other.
Where did the love go?
I don’t know.
But I remember it so clearly.
The way our hands interlocked, the way we sang in the car together and drank wine while cooking. How we made love at midnight under the moon in our garden, how we took baths together and the way he smelt. The way he would give me medicine when I was sick and tucked me into bed.
That is what I’m remembering.
There was so much hate and so much trauma – up until today I don’t think I fully grasp how much trauma it was. I still don’t think I realise what a struggle it was. I have the memories and the scars of the hurt and the pain.
But the trauma is something that follows you after a divorce. The fears you now have for your new relationships. You carry certain beliefs with you that your ex made you believe but went true. You’re scared and a bit skeptic and I think that is where the trauma and the hurt lies. Its what you carry with you and I think it will probably take me a while, maybe a few years even…until I fully get passed everything…
For now, I’m trying to remember the beautiful parts that shined and not the sadness and hate.
I went to my storage unit today.
Went through a few boxes. Saw all my glasses and pots and cookbooks and clothing and lamps and couches.
Everything from my past life.
As if my past is just living in that storage unit…
The funny thing is that I realised that I don’t need you.
I want you.
Well I wanted you.
You needed me and it was parasitic, you literally sucked the life out of us so that you could live. When you used to say you need something I would always joke and say ‘no, you need air’
Only now do I realise that it really was all you needed.
You didn’t need anything and you didn’t need me.
You were addicted to me.
‘Every time I hear from you, it’s like a shot of heroine’ you said once I had left.
I didn’t need to be needed.
I wanted to be wanted…
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.
My friend Andrew and I slept together last night.
I keep thinking I should feel guilty. But I don’t.
We had a great evening, having dinner and drinks and singing. Taking photos and laughing and going to the casino and gambling and kissing at the tables when we won. Sitting at the bar and laughing at the brave singing karaoke, giggling, leaning towards him with my hands on his knees and kissing him. Running to the car in the rain, holding hands and kissing on the drive home.
In a way we using each other I suppose. We being spontaneous and lighting a spark that was always slowly trying to find it’s way out the dark.
After everything ended with Him, we slowly starting gravitating towards each other again.