Take that ED – Part 15 Day 1,2

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Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.

In a healthy way with no obsessions.

No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.

Just balancing.

Me!

Boom!

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Skipped antidepressant – Day 15

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Would it effect you if you skipped your antidepressant for one day?

I just forgot to drink it.

And is it the placebo effect or am I really an anxious wreck?

I don’t know what it is but its hell and I feel myself climbing back into that dark hole.

Daily donuts – Day 14

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Today, for the first time n a long time I felt like binging and purging.

So I had two donuts for breakfast and then restricted the rest of the day and had another donut on my way home.

Now I’m waiting for one of my best friends to come over for wine because she needed to chat and I think I need to chat too. Spend some time with a friend and have some girl time.

The cause of the urges is due to quite a few things

I have lost weight recently and I’m loving it and this causes a bit of anxiety – because instead of just continuing to eat healthy and exercise – I get anxious and I freak out and I obsess –  I’m trying so hard to not slip into old ways but today it go the better of me.

Work is very stressful – things are going well, but money is tight and the voices are loud.

I’m going away for a week with my parents and A is going away with his friends for a weekend – I don’t know why this makes me anxious but it does?

So I’m eating donuts daily…

I actually love myself – Day 17

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My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.

There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.

When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.

I never wanted to be sexy – Day 9

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I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.

But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.

I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.

I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.

I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.

I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.

Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.

Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.

But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…