My nephew is my guardian Angel – Day 17, 18, 19

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Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.

Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping.  I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.

Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.

The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’

I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?

I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.

Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.

You’ve been served – Day 23

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I have a court date.

YAY!

4th December 2015, if all goes well, that will be the day that it all comes to a close.

So this is a little something I wrote

its not just you
i’m hurt too

to who do you compare me
recreating old me

i used to feel protection from your touch
now you find me too much

if i’m your beloved then why don’t i fit here,
we lay together but we feel so alone

and i’ll never go home again
i’ve lost me, i’ve lost you and i’ve lost them

and i’ve never felt so alone
it feels so scary getting old

i’m the one you tell your fears to
i live in this hollow ground with you

and i called your name three times tonight
you said you’d get a knife and slit to prove you were right

if i stay in this love i will kill myself
you said those words and i just wanted to keep us alive

favourite friend
the tables turned and its over its the end

nothing’s wrong but nothings right
I feel we need something else to hold onto tonight

all the things we do for fun
are starting to make us come undone

She is back after 6 years haunting my insides
Your drinking has stolen your pride

its not just you
im hurt too

There is no space and there is no sound
Stranded and the electric fence is snapping again

and I’ve killed a pot plant
i’m crying and you’ve bled dry in your heart

words stabbing like knives
like drinking poison and eating glass.

all that remains is my soul in the rain
this hollow shell staring at you all the same
my black heart
there’s a fork in the road

maybe its time to let it go
maybe its time for me to go home

you go left and i’ll go right,
no i’ll go left, because you’re always right

I remember when my voice caught flames
You said I’d lost my brains

I screamt and your eyes went wide
and we always said it was ok

this is a battle
you think i’m a constant hassle

you staring into my eyes making accusations
about affairs and other relations

you’ve imagined others
now you blame me for lies you’ve imagined

you live in black and white
im wrong and you’re right

and all i have to give you is me
all i have to face this world is me

now somethings telling me to run
you staring at me with a paper gun

You’ve asked for papers so many times
all we are is signing on the bottom line

all these years gone by
no lies now we losing time

you take what you lose
you do what you choose

i’ll take all the blame
i cant live in

tell them it was me
just me

here I am
I said ‘Here I am’

i’m fighting for the right
to release myself from this fight

its not just you
im hurt too

i’ll take all the blame
tell them it was me

just me
it was all just me

I’m going to sit in a cafe and do therapy all day – Day 22

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I took the day off again…still not feeling amazing.

I started doing a work book today called ‘Healing the scars of emotional abuse’ by Gregory Jantz, and it is such a good book, it is so spot on!

I think a lot of the emotional abuse that happened in my marriage was shrugged off because I never thought it was serious enough and I always made excuses for it and I always justified it. This book points out all the different forms of emotional abuse and all the types of emotionally abusers. It really shows that the simplest things, words that didn’t seem like they were such a big deal actually were, how when you were made to feel guilty all the time it was incredibly abusive – as I now have such serious issues with guilt. The way my husband didn’t even trust me to open a cellphone account on my own because he didn’t think I was capable – he literally thought I was too stupid – thats emotionally abusive as he put me down, he didn’t trust or believe in my ability to perform a small task without him, all because he wanted me all to himself.

My parents and friends were all a threat, because they were capable of taking the attention away from him. I could only be his basically. He was threatened by anyone else that would ever get close to me…

Anyhow!

He is back from New York and is exhausted so we had a quick dinner and having an early night. I am happy he is back, I am sad he is leaving in April.

Just let go and be miserable and then let go – Day 19

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What an emotional day.

I look awful. My eyes look so dark and gloomy and miserable.

I had lunch with my mom and my sister and I got tired of being so strong and holding up a front so I just broke down. I had a glass of wine and I just broke down about my husband and work and how sad and disappointed I am with myself for struggling so much. I think the fact that work isn’t going well has struck a nerve.

Work has been my crutch – work has been my distraction and the one thing that I have focused on and done all for myself and that I have felt in control of. Now I feel that work is out of my control.

Everything is however in my control and I know that I am just engaging in so much negative self talk at the moment. Its just been one of those really rough days where you start to feel hopeless and you struggle and you cant be strong and you hold up a brave face anymore and feeling positive just seems impossible.

For the first time in a while you think about leaving and running away. You don’t want to face things, even though everything is circling in your head and all the pain and hardships are flashing before your eyes. You just want to run far away because you stumbling in such a dark place.

And in the greater scheme of things, what you going through isn’t such a big deal. Yes, it seems like a big deal now, but it actually isn’t because you learning and you growing and you becoming such a strong person. Its just really difficult to see all the upsides when you wallowing in your little pit of misery – which is totally acceptable as far as I’m concerned – but you cant get stuck there.

I was disappointed – I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, divorce was the bravest and the best decision I have ever made. I guess I just from time to time get so disappointed in him and in myself. I loved him dearly and I will never see our time together as a mistake, I however sometimes wish that it could all have been avoided – because in a way it could have.

I know its not particularly productive and its not helpful to ever reread the story – but I wish that it could have been avoided before the wedding, that we could have ended the relationship before the wedding – there was no way we could have because it was the wedding itself that brought up all the problems that my husband and I just kept burying deep. However if I listen to him and to his family there is a part of me that sometimes feels that we could have saved each other and everyone involved from so much pain.

If his family truly felt the way they did about me, I wish they had told him. My parents always said he wasn’t man enough and he wasn’t assertive and that he had a drinking problem. I married him anyone. I loved him anyway. I guess I wish his family had cried the night before our wedding in front of him and told him to his face that he was making a mistake marrying me, and I wish he stood up for me and said no and married me anyway.
When they accused me of having an affair, I wish he stood up for me and said it would never be true. Instead he asked all my friends and family because he didn’t trust me.

My husband is friends with my brother in law and he told him that if there was a chance, he would want to try again. My sister told me this and I blurted out ‘Is he fucking retarded?’. I don’t know how to feel about that response. That however was my response – I guess it was just a statement that I said out aloud that really made it official that there really is no going back. Not now, not ever.

Am I completely wasting my time here – yes I am . Am I feeling sorry for myself – yes I am. And thats ok.

I think I worked through all the turmoil – I remember my boss even saying that my work wasn’t slacking at all and that I was performing so well. My friends and family were impressed at how well I handled everything. I did hide in my eating disorder and restricted and lost weight which I have now gained back as I’ve been hiding behind binging and purging. I think everything is coming to the surface. I think everything is starting to hit me.

Its all too much, its all at once.

I need to get it all out.

I need to let go of it all.

Now that work is in such a fragile state along with my health, I guess its really hit home and brought a lot to the surface. Things that I might have been pushing away. There are many things that I haven’t felt fully because I have been so excited about Him, and now in hindsight I am so happy that he went away to New York this week – because I realise I needed it. I needed to be away from him so I could be alone for a while and deal. I don’t want my marriage to taint anything I have with him, so I am ironically so grateful that I deal with these feelings and that I don’t need him to help me, and that I don’t need him as a crutch.

What I feel for him real. Its not a two month fling. Its not a rebound. Its not a distraction. I truly am falling for this man, I truly am developing feelings for him. I think one of the biggest things that have made our relationship so special – I know that he cannot make me happy and he knows that I cannot make him happy. We can only make ourselves happy and we can only support each other and walk the road together.

Bleh – Day 16 and Day 17

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Not great…

Meeting with boss postponed.

Work stressful.

Boss making me furious.

Husband harassing.

Binging.

Feeling exhausted all the time.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

PART II because today 10 October is mental health awareness day – Day 17

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Recognise that an eating disorder is a mental illness.

Recognise that depression is a flaw in chemistry not a flaw in character.

Recognise that things effect different people in different ways, just because you don’t see something as a big deal, doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else.

Recognise that just because something is happening in your mind and your thoughts that it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.

Recognise that making jokes about mental illness is painful, you wouldn’t make a joke about someone who is diabetic or has heart problems would you? Mental illness is a disease.

Recognise that you cant fix or save anyone, you can only be there and be supportive.

Recognise that mental illness is not attention seeking behaviour.

Recognise that just because you don’t fit the profile in the DSM that your illness isn’t valid, mental illness comes in all forms.

Recognise that you are not alone and that even though it doesn’t feel that way, there is someone who understands and is willing to help.

Recognise that you are worthy of love.

Recognise that asking for help and admitting that you are not ok is not a sign of weakness.

Recognise that metal illness awareness is still on the rise and there are still many people who are ignorant and don’t take their words too personally no matter how hurtful they are.

Recognise that you are not your mental illness.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

I want to climb into a ball and be held and sleep…- Day 12


I went to drop off my divorce settlement and then on my way back to work I binged on 2 brownies, a piece of apple pie, a packet of chocolate chuckles and a another mint chocolate.

I will not purge.

I will not purge.

I think I want to be hugged.

I hate this illness. I hate this eating disorder. It’s times like these that I feel I will never be able to escape it. It will be ingrained in me forever- which is true- I just need to learn to handle it and not let it control me. But it’s times like these that I think to myself ‘fuck it’ and the eating disorder wins and I am left guilt ridden and feeling like a complete failure.

I’m a bit anxious because I still haven’t heard from my friend. There is really nothing I can do but wait until she is ready to speak to me, but I can’t help myself worrying.

I’m feeling so very despondent today. And I am getting a cold so my throat is sore and my nose is runny and I just want to sleep and now I am so full I just want to climb into a ball and cry and sleep.

I’ve been silent all these years – Day 7

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Ok so you know when you invite your friend over for a quiet dinner and then you faced with a really important decision. Should you open another bottle of wine?

We decided yes, and then we ate a tub of ice cream and then we went to another friends house and had another two bottles of wine – and so today was an epic fail. I slept for two hours last night and my head was so sore I honestly felt like crying all day. Because I am such a control freak I was also obviously very disappointed in myself and was judging myself non stop.

But! I went to therapy today and my therapist was so great and so proud of me for getting shit faced on a random Tuesday night and just letting go and losing control 🙂 and I think I needed it. I needed to just go and just be and just not worry about everything and just live in the moment.

Also, again, I have to make a constant effort and remind myself that I am worthy and that I deserve to be happy. My happiness doesn’t ever have to be justified, it just is, its a basic right that I have. Sometime during the past 25 years something must have happened to ingrain in my mind that everything needs to be justified when it comes to me. I never justify anything with other people – I think everyone should just be and everyone deserves to be happy. I however can only be happy for a certain reason and my happiness needs to be justified for some reason. Nonsense! Just the way my eating disorder works, its an eye for eye. I am only allowed to eat if I work out and I am only allowed to eat certain foods for certain reasons and alcohol counts as a lot of calories so I need to choose between the two. And because I didn’t go to the gym today I am somehow now not good anymore. Nothing makes us good and nothing makes us worthy. We are worthy. We all are, no matter what.

I deserve every shred of love and happiness in this life and I am going to find it where ever the hell I please and embrace it.

I am literally starting to feel young again – like a 25 year old should. I feel so free and I have hardly any structure in my life, its incredibly overwhelming at times yet very liberating. I am always free when my friends want to hang out and I can eat chocolate for dessert without worrying about what I ma going to make my husband for dinner. Also one of my favourite things is that I can actually drink in my own house without worrying that my husband will binge drink on my expensive wine. And the other day I smoked cigarettes for like the first time in about 3 years and whilst it was disgusting it was so thrilling! And everyone is shocked as to why I find life so fascinating – but its because I am me again and I don’t have to be responsible for anyone but me.

I sadly became my husbands care taker – his therapist even told him he could never get back together with him because I am actually his care taker, and I am the mature and responsible one. Which is so true because I stopped having fun because I always had to look after him and worry about his sensitive soul and his feelings – and I loved this – I will not lie, I really did love looking after him which is strange I suppose. I now however only have to be responsible for me, and we all do. We can only be responsible for ourselves.

So now its all over so maybe we should all be quiet about it.