Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.

Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.

I miss you – Day 12

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I miss Him.

He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.

I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,

The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.

I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.

So many emotions.

Fingers crossed – Day 8

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I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.

Fingers crossed that I get to go!

Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’

If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.

Good Bye my almost lover – Day 4

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Well He cancelled dinner. I was not even surprised.

It’s over, I’ve been here before. You know its over, he is slipping out of my grasp and he thinks its ok. It’s not ok. I cant watch this silent farewell unfurl and feel that I have no voice. I have to say good bye. It doesn’t matter if we were prepared for this or if we knew it was coming, it still fucking hurts. I’m not letting it slip away, if it slips away all the beautiful memories go along with it and all that is left is the hurt. I’m remembering the beauty and I’m bidding farewell and holding on to the beauty and not letting it slip away and get lost in amidst the hurt and sadness and disappointment that will turn into resentment.

Drove back to the City.

Drinks with a friends that I worked with – apparently there are so many rumours going around about me and why I resigned and why I left and things I said. I am hurt and disappointed.

Dinner with R. It was lovely. I was guilt ridden, because I kept thinking about Him.

Divorce Party – Day 24

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Look at my spectacular cake hahaha

Last night was very depressing honestly that we’re celebrating the death of my marriage.

We are however celebrating that the struggle is over. The chapter has been closed. A new chapter is beginning.

A new journey, my journey.

The divorce decree has been granted – Day 22 part 2

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Amongst the bliss.

The divorce is official.

It is all over.

I feel indifferent and relieved and perhaps numb…this makes me feel guilty.

I feel light and free.

Scared, liberated, numb, alone, happy, free, guilty, heartbroken.

It’s a moment. Life is filled with moments. The chapter of my life where my husband and I lived as one was wonderful. It was one of my favourite chapters and my favourite moments. Life is filled with moments – and in every moment we feel that it is the most important of our lives and it is. The moments are real and they are fleeting and even when they are hard they are beneficial and part of the journey.

Oh come on – Day 8

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Slept over at his house last night and then went to gym this morning, stopped at home on my way to work to grab some breakfast because I have no money so I can’t buy breakfast! Landed up binging on 3 bowls of granola, WHY?

WHY?

Leave me alone bulimia.

My thighs are touching, when I walk I can feel it and it revolts me and then I say to myself ‘love yourself’. It doesn’t really work, but I am trying at least. I am not my shell – I have been at so many weight points this year and none of my relationships have changed. No one has even mentioned my weight really, not many have even noticed. It truly is just me that judges myself so harshly and is so critical.

So tonight I went to a memorial party in the park for my aunts mum, she passed away during the week and she was such a lovely lady. She was 93. I can picture her smile, she had terrible Alzheimer’s so every time she saw me, which was weekly, she would say I have grown into such a lovely young lady and she cant believe its been about 5 years since she saw me 🙂 she was so sweet. We had a really lovely time having wine and pizza and telling stories and catching up with family.

After the memorial I went to a party with my friend Andrew ( which I feel really guilty about because I feel like I should spend the night with Him) because we always hang out on weekends. I’m so torn. I don’t know why even. I am totally trying to be a man about it and not panic like a little girl. The party was amazing, I met so many lovely people it was really fun! Andrew and I also kissed, we were drunk and it was nice and then he asked to go upstairs and I said no – because I really didn’t want to, because I don’t like him in that way and because that would have just been mean because I would be leading him on. So we just went back to the party and chilled.

PART IV – – – I’m so tired of misconceiving what this could be – Day 1

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Day 1 is always so weird!

So I confronted him and told him that I feel he is shutting me out and that he is being distant. I understand he is under a lot of pressure at the moment, I just wish he would be open about it. Just say to me ‘Danielle, I feel I need to just reflect and process by myself for a while and sit and cry and write and think and so on’ because I am completely open to that. As ironically I feel the exact same way, there are days that I feel I want my space and I need to do therapy and really think. I just don’t appreciate it when you distant, just be open and honest and don’t isolate yourself.

So I have realised I feel insecure in the relationship with him, because I don’t know where its going and where I stand.

I can’t guess whats on his mind, there have been so many missed signals. He has told me he can’t wait to see what our relationship blossoms into, jokes about me going to New York with him, jokes about how we make a good team and how he sits staring at me and says he is admiring. I think I’m a little frustrated…

I feel he is just being guarded and holding back.

I don’t even know if I believe everything he is trying to say to me anymore. P