So much love for these kids – Day 22

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Back to the city this afternoon.

My best friends bought me 3 journals for a going away gift for my trip 🙂

We all had dinner and danced on the tables and drank too much.

I am going to miss them so much. I drove out the drive way and I missed them already. I was down the road and they texted me they miss me already.

So grateful.

I know I have fucked up a lot, but I did something right!

Hello FUTURE – Day 25

Lonely girl with suitcase at country road dreaming about travel.

Things at work are now ironically going really well. I think because I cleared the air with my boss, everything sis running much smoother and I feel we have our friendship back. She is trying to put me on a guilt trip as she keeps mentioning that I am leaving.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on next year. Where I would like to go and what I want to get out of it. What my goals go and so on. I think I need this, I think I really really need this.

Wedding photos in my wedding dress – Day 21

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First and foremost – I demolished the hamburger yesterday and I went on to have a full meal at dinner and wine and dessert – BOOM!

I collected my wedding photos today.

Yes after 10 months of marriage I only collected my wedding photographs – they have been ready since March. I just never collected them. Even while I was married, even early days, I didn’t want them. I wanted no reminders of the day that ruined my relationship with my husband. Yes it wasn’t that particular day – but thats the day that everything came out. That day was the day that everything started to spiral out of control.

I realise that I am nostalgic. Driving back home from my parents today, back home, as I drove into the city I had an urge to go home – my home that I built. I didn’t want to go there with my husband per se, but I wanted to go home. I wanted to play with the dogs, I wanted to cook a meal in my kitchen and I wanted to sit on my couch. I felt like the space and I felt like feeling as if I was home.

I think its important to differentiate between missing something and actually wanting it back. I don’t want to go back there and I don’t want to live there, alone or with my husband. I do however miss it, boy do I miss it.

The bathroom, we had a really nice shower, I miss taking long baths and I miss having a king sized bed. I miss having a pantry and fridge full of food and cooking up a storm and baking and entertaining. I miss painting in my garden and I miss the smell of the freshly watered grass. I miss sitting at my dressing table in the morning doing my hair and watching reruns of ‘how I met your mother’ on the couch.

I don’t want to go back. I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful for what this journey has taught me, not only have I learnt about myself and grown but I have never experienced so much love. My family and friends came in with a cavalry and carried me through all this and I will be forever grateful. I am so blessed.

Just had a box of chocolates – shrugging it off. I don’t know how I feel when I hold my wedding photos in my hands, numb, nostalgic or indifferent. I don’t know, and that makes me panic a bit, so I binged and thats ok.

One of my best friends came over and I wore my wedding dress and we drank wine and laughed and had an amazing time. Again, there was slight panic as I felt nothing for my dress. It was like I was wearing any other dress in my wardrobe.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

PART II because today 10 October is mental health awareness day – Day 17

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Recognise that an eating disorder is a mental illness.

Recognise that depression is a flaw in chemistry not a flaw in character.

Recognise that things effect different people in different ways, just because you don’t see something as a big deal, doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else.

Recognise that just because something is happening in your mind and your thoughts that it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.

Recognise that making jokes about mental illness is painful, you wouldn’t make a joke about someone who is diabetic or has heart problems would you? Mental illness is a disease.

Recognise that you cant fix or save anyone, you can only be there and be supportive.

Recognise that mental illness is not attention seeking behaviour.

Recognise that just because you don’t fit the profile in the DSM that your illness isn’t valid, mental illness comes in all forms.

Recognise that you are not alone and that even though it doesn’t feel that way, there is someone who understands and is willing to help.

Recognise that you are worthy of love.

Recognise that asking for help and admitting that you are not ok is not a sign of weakness.

Recognise that metal illness awareness is still on the rise and there are still many people who are ignorant and don’t take their words too personally no matter how hurtful they are.

Recognise that you are not your mental illness.

Enjoy it cautiously or just let go and be – Day 16

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Feeling positive again today and I feel like I have more of a sparkle in my eyes than I have this past week. I had a really chilled and relaxed evening last night, listening to music and drawing and writing and lying on the floor like I always do. Just reflecting and being present. I think that is partly why I feel so much better today.

Having dinner tonight and looking forward.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

I was just a wish – Day 6

Like a freeze dried rose,
you will never be what you were,
what you were to me in my memory.

Promise to remember me
Go back to before I went away,
even if its just for a day.

Sometimes I hear your smile,
and I picture us driving in your car,
the wind blowing through my hair.

Listening to the tune we played,
before I went away,
and all you wanted was for me to stay.

I know you dont like what I’ve become,
but something told me to run,
I had to grow when you stood still.

We could be frozen in time,
I’ll be 19 forever,
and you picture us together.

All I know is that you dont love me,
you love her,
and she is dancing away from you now.

She was just a wish,
Innocence that soothed your soul,
and made you feel like you were whole.

My sweet mystery,
Your heart has been tarnished by history.
But it will stay with me.

I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call,
I still love you above this all,
but I’ve grown alone and I’ve grown tall.

I was just a wish,
A soft heart you loved to kiss,
that danced away as you know you had always wished