Sitting in my boyfriends bed – he’s upstairs watching soccer – usually I sit with him and watch but tonight a strange feeling came over me so I’ve come downstairs to write.
I do miss my ex husband sometimes. Like right now, listening to music that we discovered together and loved. Songs we sang to over a glass of wine while I was cooking and he sat on the kitchen counter next to me. The two of us giggling over something and his smile stained a purplish, red from the wine. I do miss those moments.
And I think thats ok and I think its ok to admit it.
For the first time in possibly my whole life, there has been a month where I didn’t stress financially. I’ve never been more secure in myself as I am right now – I finally went back to the gym last week and have stopped eating cake on a daily basis lol.
Things are good.
Of course things with A are perfect. Its been over a year and some how he is still the most incredible person I have ever met and I fall more and more in love with him every day – I know how cliche that sounds! But its true.
So do I miss my ex husband sometimes? Ye of course I do. Is it a big deal however? No, of course not.
I went to boarding school at the age of 6. I joke about the fact that I haven’t lived at home since I was 5. After school I went to university and lived alone for a while and then with friends. Then I moved to the city and moved in with my ex husband. After the divorce I lived alone again.
I love my family dearly and I would love to see them daily. There is nothing as special and warm as a hug from your mum at the end of the day or laughing at dad jokes. Spending time around the dinner table and watching tv. Its the little things that make family special.
I only get that on weekends and on the holidays.
But now with A’s family I get it all the time.
So many of my friends ask if it isn’t weird that he lives at home still, and I have to hang out with his parents all the time. Well, the answer is a definite No. Strangely, I love it.
I love the warmth, I love the home cooked meals and the way his mom invites me for tea in the afternoons. His dads stories and the way the family bickers every now and then. Its warm and its homely and I spend 5-6 nights a week there, so much time that its started to feel like home.
A’s house has stairs and my studio has stairs.
Whats with the stairs 😦
5km – This is the first time we have ever ran 5km straight with absolutely no walking and going strong. Feeling good, we can do this, easy, peasy.
8km – Water point, awesome, can’t believe we’re still running! I feel like my stomach is going to start running but it must just be the nerves? After 8km’s I’m still nervous and scared?
12km – Bathroom break! Ok it wasn’t nerves, last night lasagna is not agreeing with this running business. I literally have two squares of toilet paper, the poor person after me lol. A thinks its perfectly acceptable to do some walking now seeing that we have run 12km’s straight.
15km – Ok seriously, we’ve been running uphill for the last 3km’s. And my calves are hurting now and its clearly time to walk again and have two little cups of coke at this water point.
18km – Seriously! Whats with the uphill. We’re walking, fuck this shit, there is no way I’m running any further.
19km – No! I’m still walking.
20km – They must be lying, this is clearly 21km’s by now. Please kill me.
20.5km – ‘Come on bunz, its just 500metres, letes run and finish strong’ A says to me. ‘NO, I don’t care, I’m walking’
21km – Its literally 100metres to the finish and we run into the stadium and the crowds cheer. A’s mom and dad shout our names and finally I feel some relief.
21.1km – Got the medal. A and I shared a big kiss and a big hug and the started bitching and moaning about how much our legs and feet hurt lol
Today A moved into his sisters old room – its in the corner of the house far from everything else. It has a bigger bed and a bigger bathroom and a patio 🙂
So we spent the day moving all A’s things. I sleep at his house 6 days away – so now my side of the bed has ornaments and books on instead of rubies cubes and car models.
When he says forever – does he mean forever.
Forever is a long time.
I want him forever.
But forever is a strong weird and I find myself freezing on the inside when he says forever. Its like our hearts are burning like fire when we’re together, but when he says forever I freeze. Because I want to be frozen with him forever, but also because the way he makes me feel terrifies me and I freeze.
A and his friends got home at 3am this morning and when we woke up he was so miserable and hungover. I woke up around 7:30 and so did one of his friends so we landed up cleaning the whole house after the disastrous mess after yesterdays party. We had coffee and chatted and landed up going to Krispy Kreme to get everyone donuts. It was awesome – really great getting to know A’s friends more.
A was such a grumpy baby the he landed up going home to sleep in his one bed lol. I stayed at my house and been listening to music in the garden and reading all day and its been amazing 🙂