I never saw you coming – Day 16

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How typical, the second you start getting comfortable and you embrace the liberating fact that you are single – you meet the perfect stranger. It’s so typical, you make peace with yourself and you accept what has happened and you make a pact with yourself to focus on yourself and not to move quickly and not to get involved.

Then all of a sudden you find yourself on a couch lying on a mans chest, just four green eyes and you feel like you staring into their soul and you just let go and you just be you and you kiss him. Because if somebody’s got soul, you’ve gotta make a move.

And now I find myself under a tree in the park writing in a journal feeling like a 13 year old girl that just kissed a boy for the first time and I’m just filled with emotion and the words just flow and its becoming more like a creative writing piece pouring out my soul than a journal entry.

As we lay side by side, carried only by the time, we start to come alive. I was spinning around in your arms, took a breath and breathed you in and we start to come alive. We’ve got to keep on moving on and on, we’ve got to keep moving on to stay strong.
Like in a dream we were flying high, lost all thoughts in your eyes, laying side by side, sadness subsides and hope collides. As the sun came shining in from outside, we started to come alive.

Last night was a pleasant surprise. Someone i met in May and didn’t even see, I saw him , but I didn’t see into his eyes. Last night like spirits we just connected. It was warm in his arms and it was warm to feel his touch. Gentle soft kisses all over my body and deep eyes that tell a thousand stories.
I was so nervous touching him, so scared of being close to him. I lay in his arms and questioned myself, he was on my side and I felt him hold me in his eyes. I thought to slow down, but my heart kept saying ‘go, go,go’.
Papers aren’t signed, his friend has died and there’s him and there’s her. But somehow it all was lost in a sea of his touch. He was on my side and it felt right. We both thought slow down but we just grew closer now. And now all I want is to hold him when this is all done and over. I know we don’t have time on our side, but he’s on my mind.
Deep in the core of a broken one I felt we could keep drowning in each other. Somehow out the corner of my eye I try keep myself from drowning in this all, I have a will to stay and a will to stand still. I broke the rules and I listened to my own skin. I’m trying not to drown, but like I told him, we cant fight it if we don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is, but I know its something, I feel its something.

I felt so much trust again, I felt hope again, I felt appreciated again. His hands on me, I felt beautiful again and he felt beautiful to me. I am scared, I am horrified, I am hopeful, I am excited, I am so cautious and I am crying for the first time. And I cry my tears for me. Tears of love and tears of hope and tears of complete fear. Small droplets fall off my cheeks in the park on Sunday, staring at the paper and the ink and smiling. I feel hope again. And I want him to hear me when I say that its been so long since i’ve felt this way. It felt so crystal and so clean in his eyes. And when his heart feels sick, I want to take his hand and hold it.

But we’ve got to keep on moving on and on. Moving on towards each other or away from each other. We’ve got to keep moving on and on. I know as much and I know that no matter what, he has given me hope again…

This blog is honest, this blog is raw – Day 15

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Again woke up anxiety ridden at 5am, and I destroyed my tub of sour gums and then I went back to sleep. The most horrible experience about this was that for the first time in 6 years I thought of self harm and I got so terrified that I just sat in my bed and stared at the ceiling and then drank anxiety medication and then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up feeling guilty about eating so much sugar at 5am but I felt so impressed with myself that I didn’t purge! Whoop whoop hooray! Thinking about self harm though is just too much for me to deal with though – I will admit I am scared I get trapped somehow and I somehow decide to self harm. Literally writing about it makes me feel shaky. I have to trust my heart and feelings and emotions and let them wash over me no matter how they make me feel and I need to just hold the anxiety – just sit with it and just hold it and not fight it.

Had a great gym session and then I started to feel guilty again. I don’t think about my husband anymore and I find that even more depressing than thinking about him. Honestly there are times where I completely forget about him and I just carry on with life and I do things and I focus and I work and I chill and he doesn’t even cross my mind. I walk into a grocery store and see his favourite chocolate – this used to pull at my heart strings, now I just look past it and if I notice it, I just say ‘oh’ and then I keep walking.

Clearly I am moving on which is great! Clearly I am a much stronger and much more resilient human being than I could ever have imagined. Or I am just an awful human being – I don’t know. What I do know however is that I cant sit pondering on it for days. When I see a good looking guy I just go with it and I admire him and if he flirts the I flirt back and I don’t feel guilty at all! So why do I feel guilty for not thinking about my husband anymore.

Whenever people end relationships and soon start playing the field shortly after I always found it shocking. Now I get it. You don’t know what those people are going through, maybe they were stuck in the relationship for months but just didn’t have the courage to get out or maybe they couldn’t get out because of children or money or whatever. And then they got out and they felt so free for the first time in years and feeling free again and feeling like their true selves brought on new memories and new experiences and sometimes new love with new people.

I think because my husband asked for an annulment 5 days after our wedding, I have been mooring the death of our marriage since December 25 – which was Christmas day – my favourite day of the year! Needless to say it was the worst Christmas ever. So in hind sight I need to deal with the guilt and own it and learn that it isn’t actually needed and that it isn’t serving me at all.

I even looked at my wedding photos yesterday and this morning and I smiled. I didn’t feel all the anger and sadness and disappointment. I just smiled at how in love I was and how full of hope I was. It ended and its ok, I always thought I would burn my wedding photos or throw darts at his face or replace his face with a celebrity or something incredibly corny like that. Instead I just smiled at them and don’t even feel sad anymore. I just feel like it was beautiful and it ended and even if he cheapened our whole relationship, there was a time that it was beautiful and there has been so much that I have learned through this. Just looking at the pictures, I feel all the changes, the changes in life and the changes in me.

I’m off to have dinner at my best friends house (the ones I lived with for a month) and also with one of my best friends who actually happened to sing at my wedding. I’m so excited – I realise I turned into a bit of a hermit over the last for years and I still have it in me to turn down invites but now I force myself to attend things because I know I will enjoy them and I always land up enjoying them!

I’m going to go buy my friend a cactus and buy a bottle of wine or two.

How little words mean when they’re a little too late – Day 14

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Today was awful. Anxiety ridden.

Work was good, after I left I decided to go to the mall and do some shopping before having dinner with family. For some reason the whole day I felt so anxious and edgy and kind of depresses actually. I had a good morning but as the day went on I seemed to start getting angrier and angrier as every minute went by. I think I was really angry because I didn’t have much money and I was starting to stress out a little. My husband owes me some money from insurance and so on, wilst I am so over fighting for money in the divorce that is rightfully mine, I do however need the small some of money that really is mine and was mine and always will be mine! So I texted him and asked him for it – very politely. He said he would put into my account next week, which was shocking and amazing.

Then he texted that he loves me unconditionally. Then he texted that he can’t stop thinking about me. Then that I am his soul mate. Then he said sorry. Then he said he knows who I am in my core. And then he said other things like that and it just got annoying and then I was really angry. How little words mean when they’re a little to late.

So what did I do? Something so silly and something I now deeply regret yet understand and I think thats the silver lining about it. I binged and purged on cake in the mall bathroom – on the floor in the bathroom. I am so disgusted with myself – but somehow so empathetic for myself as well. I realise that I passed the phase of this disorder where I hate myself and I have reached a point of understanding. It was a hard week, I had so much anxiety and I was angry and I was grumpy because I wasn’t eating enough so I was tired and I was busy and went to bed late every night so I wasn’t my best self.

I wish I handled the situation and my feelings differently instead of reverting to eating disorder behaviours and thats ok. Because while the behaviours are destructive, they are clues that I need focus on myself and face my feelings. I need to face the anger I feel, not only the anger I feel towards my husband but the anger I feel towards his family. The names they called me, the accusations from my ‘in laws’ and the rumours that were spread – I think this is where most of my anger lies. The betrayal that I felt from his family and the betrayal that I felt by him when he didn’t support me and have my back, when he instead believed them and doubled the rumours and spread them to even more groups of people. I think this is where my anger lies. It lies in my ego.

Its my ego that has been tarnished and I have to face it head on and keep reminding myself that I know who I am and that the lies and rumours don’t matter. I could build a castle out of all the bricks they through at me, but at the end of the day it is really no big deal. Because who are they? They are the past. And I am me, and for the first time in months I am so happy to be me and to be in my own company. I think thats what it boils down to – my ego was destroyed and as a human being we are all in our own heads all the time and when your ego gets bruised, you feel yourself losing yourself and needing to prove yourself and needing to people please and all that meaningless crap. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone as far as I am concerned. I spent so much energy trying to prove to my husband that I was in fact a decent human being and that I did respect him and that I was a good wife and not attached to my family – that I eventually got so lost in proving myself that I lost myself completely. If you need to prove yourself to someone then they really aren’t worth your time as far as I’m concerned.

So now I already feel better for just getting that out. Which means that all I need to do is find the link that links my brain to positive coping mechanisms instead of negative. I feel positive about finding or maybe developing that link so I think that there is a start already.

Dear Mr Hypocrite, money talks – Day 13

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I received my divorce settlement today. I cant explain the emotions. When serious things like this happen to me I seem to go into crisis mode and I lose emotions and I become very straight forward and my problem solving skills emerge. Of course it was a really strange sensation and anxiety ridden and sad and awful. It was crisis mode however and I read though everything an called my lawyer immediately. The settlement is very straight forward, its a real clean break which we are happy about. There is one tiny flaw, my husband didn’t tell his lawyers about money that we got as gifts, this money should be shared equally between the two of us.

It’s not a big sum of money. It’s double the amount I make a month at work, but in the long run fighting for this amount of money is actually going to cost us more in law fees and it is going to make the process take longer and there will be more admin and just more emotional trauma really. If we don’t fight we can make this smoother and end it quicker and less painful. The divorce will be happening through the high court and not the regional court which is more expensive but also much quicker. So in conclusion and I am getting Zero out of the divorce and my husband will probably use our wedding money to pay his lawyers and I will have to figure out a way to pay my lawyer with my money – god alone knows how I am going to afford this.

So for now I wait for my lawyer to contact me as I need to sign the settlement agreement, he however is not comfortable with me going to to my husbands law firm by myself and signing – so he is going to suggest a different way. I like him, he is awesome.

Now dear Mr Hypocrite

Darling Mr hypocrite my husband who wants to be a civil servant and fight for the poor. Wasn’t it you who always said he was a minimalist and wanted to live on the streets in poverty because of the inequality of the world. The first night I left you, you shouted to the heavens with joy ‘ This is the best thing you could have ever done for me, all I have ever wanted was to be poor and live on the streets and save the poor, thank you for leaving me and doing me such a favour, you can have all the money and all the assets, I want nothing, I am going to live on the streets!’. How ironic that you now wont even share the money that is rightly ours as a couple.

And I am the spoilt brat that only cares about money 🙂 yet I’m giving you all the money. I’m so horrified. When I say all these things out loud I cant believe I didn’t see that there was clearly a personality issue. Grandiose and narcissistic. I found this charming somehow.

Another fun thing about money, is this email to our priest that married us:
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Dear Father (name removed) I never sent you a thank you for our wedding. It was a very overwhelming period for both Danielle and I. I have some sad news, we are getting divorced. I love her dearly, and I will miss her terribly. Father I am emailing you because I’ve been meaning to make a donation to the church. I won’t be traveling there again and I was hoping you could send me the bank account details. Thank you (name removed)

Sadly this email backfired. Did you really think that by donating money to the church the priest would ignore everything else and notice how giving you are? He didn’t by the way. He instead happened to bump into my mother and told her about the email, and said he is very sad and thinks you are deeply troubled and that you should have stopped the wedding on the day of the wedding when he asked you if you were ok, because he sensed that you were feeling uneasy. It would have saved everyone from so much heartache. Also I hope you didn’t think he was going to just listen to your side of the story? You are not always right. Despite the fact that you think you are gods gift to earth – you are not and you are not always right.

You can check out any time you like but you can never leave – Day 11

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I would never get a tattoo – I’m too much of a pansy and I’ve never really felt the need to. Of course I went through a phase when I was about 16 where I really wanted a tattoo on my wrist – but I am way too much of a control freak and uptight to ink myself and too scared. I also loved it when a guy had a tattoo, so wildly attractive. Now however I enjoy hypothetical tattoos, not literally inked tattoos.

Is my life a bit of a roller coaster right now? Yes! I am feeling abnormally tired today, I know this is because of my horrendous eating and sleeping patterns lately. The health freak seems to be living off nutella, sour gums and avocado on toast and coffee lately. I have always hated coffee – once every three months I would enjoy a cappuccino but I have never particularly enjoyed it. Also caffeine effects me funny, sometimes it does nothing and sometimes I find myself bouncing off the walls with anxiety and energy from the caffeine high and then I need to take a nap. However, I lately drink decaf and sometimes caffeinated coffee and see what happens. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that my husband drank about 5 cups a day and couldn’t function without coffee. I don’t know and I don’t have time to sit an analyse.

I gym too much and then I get exhausted and then I cant finish a session because my body is a bit weak from all the stress and anxiety perhaps. I also purged on Saturday for the first time in about 6 months. I also had a lunch today with dessert that was about the equivalent calories of what I normally eat in two days and I feel so guilty! I feel like I failed, if I can control my eating and my body then I feel like everything will be ok even though it all feels very out of control at the moment. Sometimes I go days without eating disorder thoughts or behaviours and some days I feel paralysed by this illness, but at least it is not all days.

I however am not even beating myself up for all my bad behaviours lately. I used to have a panic attack if I ate one too many cookies or didn’t run enough kilometres. Now I’m chilled. I’m going through a crisis and I’m just riding it out. Like I said before – When you going through hell just keep going.

One day when I am laying in my coffin I am going to be bruised and battered and I would have lived and been on one hell of a ride. Of course some people have a much rougher time in life and what I am going through is childs play to them, but lets not go minimizing. I always compare myself to others and think things are not too bad and I’m ok and I should stop being a big baby and work harder or more and do more and be more and accomplish more and all that stuff that we all pressurise ourselves with on a daily basis. So here’s to feeling sorry for myself today! I have always believed that life gives us what we can handle. No need to minimise peoples issues and think because you are dealing with so much more than someone else that you are now a stronger and more accomplished human being!

My husband always used to point out how I have never had to work for anything. Which is an interesting observation. Because clearly there were little fairies that got me through school and fashion school and got me a job and the fairies pay all my bills. The fairies also managed to recover from an eating disorder. Lets not forget that the fairies cooked his dinner every night and made his sandwiches for work and always made sure he had enough coffee, the fairies also cleaned and they did washing and folded washing. Those little fairies also held my husband in their arms when he was sad or disappointed. I just hung out all day vegetating and doing nothing my whole life while the fairies did everything. Love those fairies.

Again! It is important to realise that life has so much more in store and that this too shall pass and we must look to the future! It is equally important that we sit and feel sorry for ourselves once in a while. I have to feel sorry for myself time about twice a week where I just sit and stare and eat nutella out a jar and wish someone would hug me and tell me its all a nightmare. You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave. In no time I’ll have to bounce back and face things again, but for a moment you can just check out.

Things change – Day 10

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I think I slept for about four hours last night! Which is absurd as I usually clock 8 or 9. I was so stressed out for work, because of my deteriorating ability to focus I made a huge mistake and was about to send 110 dresses into production, and the sleeve wasn’t sitting properly! So I got to the factory at 7:30 this morning and literally yelled STOP! Thank goodness they hadn’t cut and I sorted out the mistake which was really quick and simple and not at all like the massive train smash that I had imagined!

Sooooo…sent through all the documents for my divorce and soon I will receive the summons from the sherif. I must be honest I was quite apprehensive about sending all the documents through. I did ponder and I did procrastinate, maybe not purposefully but I did take my time. I like to think this is natural as it is one of the bigger decisions of my life – need to think these things through. All is going smoothly and my lawyer is really happy that my husband is drawing up the summons because then there will be no need for me to go to court and terminate the marriage. My husband will have to go to court. No need for the unnecessary trauma of going to court, my lawyer is my family lawyer and he has known me since I was born, so its amazing to have such a supportive person that actually personally knows me on my team.

Dealing with a lot of anger today as my husband is still emailing all the time. Last nights email states that he is going to find a cure – not sure for what, but he is going to find a cure. Tonights email is about empathy and there was another one that was a research paper about egocentricity that I didn’t even bother to read.

I had a wonderful dinner with my uncle and aunt and we chatted, its really ironic to be living with them (well in the cottage on their property) because they have both been divorced twice and they have now been together for about 6 years and are getting married in two weeks! Which is so wonderful, I am so excited for them. I really admire them as they have both dealt with difficulties in the past, my aunt (my biological uncles fiancé who I just think of as my aunt) was two emotionally abusive relationships before and has also struggled a lot with anxiety during those times so I can really relate to her and open up to. It’s really great that they are getting married, because despite all the troubles they have been through they are still both such positive people filled with so much hope.

The other day a friend of mine asked if I now get annoyed by weddings and everyone my age getting engaged and so on? And I really don’t. I am still romantic and I still believe in love and in marriage and in soul mates. I now just believe that its quite possible that we have many soul mates. After all we are such complex beings, life changes and people change. People grow and I think that if you are with someone that is not supporting your personal growth then you will grow apart. I feel that I all of a sudden started to grow in ways that I couldn’t foresee, after my wedding when I was 24 I start growing slowly but surely and sometimes I feel that my husband couldn’t deal with the changes in me.

I am still receiving emails by the way. No respect for me or for my lawyer.

I hope he is doing ok at home alone and I hope the dogs are ok, I honestly shudder at the thought of my husband eating baked beans and pizza for dinner every night. Even though he did kick me out his house and tell me where I could and couldn’t stay once I had left. Somehow I still feel this immense love and responsibility as a wife to care for her husband. I also know that he has no one to relate to when it comes to mental illness and therapy and that is why he constantly contacts me because I am the only one that understands his fragile state of mind as I was there 6 years ago. Sadly though, I need to protect myself and it seems the more I protect him and his feelings and thoughts and beliefs the more I destroy myself.

The tell tale signs – Day 9

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Slow day and low day. Stayed over with my friends last night and hung out this morning. When I left their house this afternoon I felt a pit in my stomach, like that hollow feeling I would get on Sunday afternoons as a child before my my parents dropped us three kids at the bus that would take us back to boarding school.

My friends have become my support team and my everything. They got engaged in May, I have known my friend since I was nine and her now fiancé since I was 19. Little did we know back then that when we were in our twenties we would be in their house together picking up the pieces of my broken heart and my divorce. The two of them are salt of the earth, the type of people that show no judgement, never, not even to my husband. When I am with them and my best friends and my family then it just is what it is. I’m getting divorced and it is what it is. It isn’t good or bad, it just is and we are just going to deal with it together and move forward.

For the last 7 months or so I have been in limbo. Not a child anymore as I separated from my family, not a girl in a group of friends, and not a wife because my husband made it quite clear that marrying me was a mistake and said I was not ready to be a wife. I was hanging out in limbo, neither here nor there. Little did I know that there was no need for limbo, we are complex beings and we are many things, wives, sisters, friends, daughters. My husband’s splitting into black and white thinking however meant that I was a wife and a wife only, and I quite clearly failed at that so he labeled me a child – though I failed at that too as I quite adequately separated myself from my family. But I was a sponge, for everyones feelings and emotions and I just took in and internalised all the things he said, I loved him so, I of course believed him and he believed he was always doing what was best for me.

Now I belong. I am starting to feel that I belong again. When I visit my friends I lie on their floors in the TV room and I paint my nails and do yoga poses whilst waiting for them to dry and I unpack their dishwasher and fold their laundry. When I am at my bosses house, I celebrate Shabas with them on a friday night and even though I am not Jewish, I somehow belong and her dad tells people I am his daughter as well. I am staying in a cottage behind my uncles house and I walk his dog Chester and I snuggled under blankets with his fiancé on their couch, who has now become an aunt to me and sometimes a mother figure as she hugs me every time she see’s me, even if its 4 times a day. My brother phones me and we laugh about being perfectly lonely and single and about being each others wingmen. My sister is coming to visit this weekend and I cannot wait to see her and my brother in law and the little kids, I haven’t seen them all since March.

For the past 8 months, I panicked when the coffee was finished in our house because I was afraid of irritating my husband. I tried to keep the kitchen spotless according to his standards in fear of him telling me I was living in a pig sty (which he told me anyway so not sure I was so scared). At our house, when a flower died in the garden it was because I didn’t care for it properly, it wasn’t because that particular flower only bloomed for six weeks a year. And eventually in our house, it was not my house, it was my husbands house, as long as he was paying for it, it was his house, never ours. I eventually didn’t even water the garden because I lost interest in the garden as I was going to kill everything anyway, I somehow managed to keep the kitchen clean but on some days burst into tears when the dishes piled up because it seemed like a mountain I had to climb. I wasn’t bothered about what I wore anymore despite working in fashion, so I wore jeans and really long tops that covered my thighs because I started to despise my body and myself so much. When I saw myself in the mirrors at the gym I would run out because I couldn’t handle the sight of myself.

Last year this time I was planning my wedding, my husband and I were training for a marathon together and I was so in love with cooking that I cooked a brand new dish almost every night. We spent weekends lying on the couch watching movies and drinking wine and laughing. I paraded in lingerie because I was so confident in myself and he often carried me to bed in his arms. We already named our children and we wanted to get another dog and on weekends I hid in the spare room making my wedding dress and always kept the door locked so he wouldn’t even get a glimpse at the fabric or even find a pattern piece lying somewhere because I wanted my dress to be a surprise and I wanted him to cry when he saw me at the alter.

Now I’m just baffled and I sometimes think that I must clearly be suffering from some sort of mental illness way beyond my belief to not even notice any signs in the 3 years and 3 months before we got married. Of course if I look back now then yes, the signs were there. Literally two days before we got engaged the two of us had a huge fight and he said we needed to take a break from each other and be alone for a while, and then two days later he asked me to marry him and I said yes! And no, I didn’t say yes because of the magnificent ring (despite the fact that I have been labeled a gold digger -he doesn’t even have money so thats quite a wild accusation), it was because I genuinely loved this man and wanted to spend every second of my life with him forever. We got engaged and two months later we had a massive fight at a restaurant, me in tears, of course, and when I asked why he even asked me to marry him if this is the way he was feeling, he said ‘because I had already bought the ring’. How bizarre, what a creative answer. Of course there was the time that he got so drunk and kissed a lesbian – somehow I found it in me to forgive him because I loved him so and he was really drunk and whilst I was so horrified at what had happened, he promised he would never do such a thing again and he cried, that is how sorry he was, and I forgave him. When we met I had an eating disorder and bright orange hair (I was 19, it was a strange phase, I did look awesome with orange hair though just like Haley Williams) he thought I was attention seeking, he just didn’t tell me, I only found out about this recently.

So were there signs? Yes. Did I see the signs? Yes probably, i just didn’t read them as signs, all the signs were blocked out completely by the sound of his voice, his charm, his dry sense of humour, his incredible mind and intelligence and his soft touch. And sometimes there are moments when I wonder if he did actually love me or if he loved what I gave him. Many times he would comment how he feels sorry for friends because they all have kids and boring old wives and he has a hot young wife that is 8 years younger than him, how everyone was jealous of him. He told me he would miss my body when we decided we would get divorced, which was nice I suppose. I do however now feel like a little dumb trophy wife. I know that is not what I was to him, but I cant help feeling that way. Which is absolutely ridiculous, if I was 6ft tall with legs up to heaven and luscious blonde hair, then yes I would maybe understand. However I am 5ft tall with a brown bob and a really crooked nose (which strangely I have learned to love).

I’m just so baffled. I know he loved me, just in a way that wasn’t right for him or for me? I don’t know, I often find myself feeling incredibly confused. Because I know he loved me, I felt his love and I know I love him.

I never imagined I would feel this way – Day 8

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Husband send me an email again, 2 emails – this is not allowed, he has been reprimanded by my lawyer for harassment and slandering, and we could literally get a court order against him. Yet, little me cannot fathom the implications of putting him in that position. Despite the position he has put me in. I just don’t see the point in being mean and starting a war. Or do I maybe just not value myself enough to fight back and stand up for myself and so I still continue to put his needs before my own?

Went to gym and worked out for 2 hours – it was a slow workout – however is was too long. ED is chatting and he is loud! I think it is because my parents are in Paris and London for three weeks so I only chat to them over email and text and I don’t want to say much because I don’t want them to worry, also my therapist is away for three weeks, she said I could call her if I needed but she is on holiday, so I really don’t want to do that.

I did however have a good day, managed to eat despite the thoughts. Went to do my hair which was great and then went to stay over with my friends (the couple that I lived with for a month) and had a great night with them. I made us a curry and we had some wine and chatted and danced and had a really great time!

Realised I still very much am living with a wife mentality, when ever I see clothes in the mens section, I want to buy him something and I keep wanting to get him is favourite chocolate every time I see it. I also feel like holding hands lately and have noticed that I actually at other men for the first time in four years. When you are in a couple its like you wearing goggles, you notice there are good looking people out there but you never really look at them. Now I look at them and I smile and I find myself feeling like a twelve year old girl! Naturally due to my wonderfully complex personality and perception of myself I feel guilty about this. I am still married and I still love him and i’m in the process of divorcing and I am grieving and I feel lonely and like I want to be held. Yet, I feel excited when I’m doing things and I realise that I can do that for hours and not worry about anyone – I don’t have to worry about feeding someone, doing laundry, paying someone or watering the garden and I also don’t have to worry about getting shouted at if I leave my nail polish lying on the dining room table (or about my clutter – spices on the kitchen counter or having a lot of a lot of cereal bowls is not clutter).

So I am in two minds. Stuck in a relationship mentality which makes me feel quite silly because technically I was never a wife? My relationship has been over since my husband told me it was over when we were on our honeymoon. And then I am a bit excited about starting my life and being me again and meeting new friends and hanging out with people – and this makes me feel guilty because when I see a man I find attractive I feel like I am being unfaithful?

I really am horrified with the way I feel right now.

Of course I am no where near starting a new relationship and if I sit with myself and dig deep and am honest with myself, I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship right now. Not with my husband or anyone else , I feel that I really have to focus on myself and commit to myself for the next year or so at least. I know myself, I know I would never be open to a relationship right now, but my husband did tell me that during our marriage he often thought about himself being with other woman – obviously I am just late to the party as I am only starting to imagine other relationships now. hmmmm

More about me, less about him – today is an angry day in the grieving process – Day 7

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Alright, so my mind is constantly revolving around my dissolving marriage that I often forget about my personal fun filled flaws.

When I was the tender age of 16 I developed bulimia nervosa. It started very casually as most eating disorders do. I wanted to lose a little bit of weight and I did and people innocently said ‘you look great!’ and from that day, being thin was good and not being thin was bad. Spiralled out of control, I lived in complete secrecy with this disorder and it consumed me until I was 19 and I couldn’t keep living that way and destroying my health so I searched for help.

I went into full recovery and was in an inpatient program for a while and outpatient for 6 months and I made a great recovery. It was incredibly hard and challenging, and took a while and I had to really look deep into my heart to heal myself from what brought on this illness in the first place. What many people don’t realise is that an eating disorder is not about being self absorbed, or vain, or being thin. Its not about calories and portion sizes and scales and overexercising. Those are just the symptoms of a much bigger problem.  Those are the behaviours and obsessions and coping mechanisms that the individual is hiding behind.

Whilst an eating disorder never truly leaves you, I do believe that you can recover. That inner voice of the disorder will always be there, lurking in the background. Some days or weeks or even months the voice is quiet and then there are days that it feels like chatting again and you have to decide for yourself if you are willing to entertain it or not.

For 6 years I like to think I thrived 🙂 of course the illness was still lurking in the background, but I faced it full on. When I had the urge to over exercise or skip a meal, I stopped myself and asked why and I confronted the problem. This is the behavioural side of the illness – the chemical side is still there, but you learn to control the behavioural side.

In February this year, ED(eating disorder voice) started chatting again and it was ever present. ED was around every corner and I confronted him, I however found myself losing with every conversation that we had. ED had a better excuse or a better solution every single time. This is where the chemical side comes in. After my insanely wild wedding (my husband hated it, we rode on a donkey card, there was swimming at 5 in the morning and there were drunk granny’s) it was wild. After my wild wedding and fun yet incredibly depressing honeymoon and after being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding and being told I was attention seeking and blah blah blah, its actually boring now to keep talking about it. After the roller coaster I was finished. My self esteem slowly started to drop by every hurtful remark from my husband, I was guilt ridden because I distanced myself from my family because my husband said I was a little child, and I was shameful because I started to believe that I was in fact this awful human being that was childish and narcissistic and self absorbed and attention seeking and selfish.

Constantly beating myself up for being an awful wife, all these things transpired into my shell and my body was the one that had to pay for this. When we face a threat we go into survival mode and we revert to old habits that make us feel comforted. For me that was ED. This is why I call an eating disorder a symptom of a much deeper routed issue.

It was so much easier to focus on my body and every calorie I was consuming and it was easier to exercise for 2 hours a day to get an endorphin rush and feel good about myself than it was to face what was going on. Every time I wanted to face what was going on in my life, my husband shut me down for worrying too much and calling me attention seeking. So I found comfort in binging/purging, over exercising and starving.

I eventually told my husband that I had relapsed in April and he was very supportive and loving – he was incredible! I thought that opening up to him might actually be our saving grace. It wasn’t. He suggested I see a therapist and then when I did and only told him after I had seen the therapist he was furious. I wanted him to be part of my recovery but he refused to go to therapy with me. It then became evident that he was not interested at all in me never mind the illness I was grappling. He found the eating disorder attention seeking and vain and didn’t bother to even read one sentence about what the illness was actually all about. (The annoying part is that if I was looking for attention I would have confided in my parents and they would have driven 480km’s in a heartbeat to come and support me and they would have showered me with love and get to the root of the symptoms). This is one of the reasons I also distanced myself from my family because the minute I opened up to my mother about y relapse she would have known things were not right. She would have immediately searched for the root of the problem because she would know that the eating disorder was the mere surface.

So I pottered on in my self-recovery and found a therapist and a psychiatrist and went on medication and started dealing with my illness. I however couldn’t fully grapple with the ED because until I faced up to the real problems, ED’s voice was going to be comforting me.

In June I had enough. My husband worked constantly, when we spoke he was in a different world. When I tried to confide in him he didn’t care and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to find hobbies. If we would fight and I cried, he would say I should stop feeling sorry for myself. He even once told me that I was like a little child that he felt he had to entertain all the time (all the time? we both work 9-6, there were only about 2 hours a night when we saw each other). So I had enough and I couldn’t keep living that way. I was completely abandoned and neglected and became part of the furniture.

I called up my mom in June and she was incredible and supportive and very concerned. I went to visit my family about three weeks after that and I opened up to my parents about what was going. Not only were they supportive of me, they were supportive of my relationship. They tried to explain my husbands point of view and they tried to help me to learn how to communicate better and they tried hard to support our marriage because they loved us both.

By June my eating habits were more or less under control, I did start restricting, but I was not fully consumed by the illness. Nothing changed in my marriage however, my husband kept lashing out and he kept asking for a separation and I kept saying we should try. It was quite clear that he wanted out but he wasn’t man enough to say he did and he needed it to be all my fault. So one night ager a huge fight, when he said ‘I can’t wait to meet my new wife because she will love me and respect me so much more than you’ that was the last straw and drove off. The minute I drove off, he sent all my family and all his friends messages that I had left him and that we were getting separated. I left, it was my fault – I didn’t try hard enough – that is the message that everyone received.

3 days later my husband wore his best apology and I was back home and we were going to try again and we were going to couples therapy. Some hope had returned, even though he made it quite clear there was no hope when he said the magic was gone. Therapy was a mess! We sat for an hour while he cried to the therapist about what an awful wife I was and that if he stayed with me he would kill himself and that if I left him he would kill himself. Thats a hard position to be in, no matter what you do, your husband wants to kill himself. The couples therapist got hold of me and said he was a narcissist and was not willing to listen to anyones point of view, he would never change, and she could not understand what I was still doing in such an emotionally abusive relationship. She would help us if he was open to it but no one could force him to work on our marriage.

3 weeks later my husband told me I had a black heart and all the emotional abuse started again and I left for good. He refused to believe he was emotionally abusive even though all these signs were there:

A person’s behavior may fall into the category of emotional abuse when:

The behavior in question does not stop or even pause when the recipient begins crying or asks for time to cool down. In fact, abuse may escalate as the recipient of the abuse becomes more vulnerable and upset.
The behavior is frequent, occurring several times in a month or less.
Vulgar language, insults, and demeaning language are used or baseless accusations are made.
“Arguments” are one-sided: one person does all the talking, never listens, and is not kind to the other.
Threats of violence are made.
The person who is abusive does not apologize.
The person who is abusive will not recognize the validity of anything his or her victim says.

This was 7 weeks ago and I have since received 278 emails about how awful yet wonderful I am. How I have no empathy, and am selfish yet I m the softest most loving person in the world. Very contradictory.

Do I still love him? Forever. I forgive him and I love him. But I love myself too and I saw the way he was treating me and the way his family treated him and I panicked because I knew he would treat my children the same way one day and he said he would be hard on them. I couldn’t let this happen, he told me I was a weak person and I had to toughen up and I couldn’t. I couldn’t toughen up to the point where everything my husband said scared me, even when he was being sweet, I couldn’t trust it anymore, and I got scared.

My husband now views me as his saviour because I opened his eyes as to what he was doing and I saved him from himself and he is a changed man and isn’t even drinking anymore. Which I believe, because that is the man I have always loved and wanted to spend my life with. That is the man I believed in and I love. I love his flaws too, I just couldn’t let them destroy me.

If I can be the woman that has helped my husband to face his drinking and his soul and his inner demons – then my love for him has conquered. Then my heart will smile. Because I love him, and if I didn’t stand up for myself, he would never ever have got to the point where he looked at himself and he would never have realised that he is adequate and he would never have realised the beauty that lives in his soul.

Whilst I am sad that he had to destroy the woman he loved more than anything in the world to face everything, I am happy that he did. I wish I could be the woman to spend my life with him, but I can’t, in my heart too much damage has been done. I sometimes wish I was stronger and that I could forgive to the point where I wanted to be with him still, but I can forgive but I unfortunately don’t have the strength to forget after all that has happened.

I really miss him deeply, every day, every minute. I miss the fact that I am not the one to support him through his personal growth and illnesses, but instead that I was the one to push him into the emotional growth.