A has been in the strangest mood ever – like the kind of mood where he is difficult and cant make up his mind and wants me to make decisions for him. Then I make the decision and he doesn’t like anything I have to say. Naturally little Danielle over here becomes an anxious wreck.
Whats going on in his mind?
Did I do something to make him act this way?
Is he ok? Am I ok?
And this goes on until I drive myself crazy.
We were having brunch and spent about an hour arguing about we were going to do next…
Now we’re going home to watch cricket, lay on the couch and drink vodka cranberries and hopefully this will make us both relax a little…
I had to go to Israel because I had to do it for me. The woman as well as the little girl inside me needed to go. I needed to get away from the hurt and the pain that was haunting me. I needed to be alone and to fend for myself and fight for myself and be wild and free. I needed to make a new identity and I needed to be free to be who ever the hell I wanted to be and I had to start again.
Ironically who I needed to be was me, I didn’t even change and I didn’t even try to start over. Through the mountains and the waterfalls and the desert it was still me. It was still Danielle with her past and her fears and her dreams and I didn’t pretend to be anyone else.
I had to go because I had to find myself.
Little did I know that I had been with myself all this time. I knew and I know who I am. Maybe tiny fragments got lost and pieces fell away and there were new facets to my being that were growing. But I was still myself during it all.
That is why I had to go. Because I would never have learned that it had been me all along.
I would never have realised that I was in fact the strong woman that left an abusive marriage and I would never have recognised the compassion and the hope I have for people. Things like love and family wouldn’t have become my everything, the need to be a mother would never have made itself so apparent had I not run far far away from it all. My relationships have been strengthened and I feel the beauty of nature on my skin every day now and the sparkles in animals eyes.
There is a fire burning in my heart now. A fire so strong that it will never be put out. Perhaps that is why I had to be stripped bare and thrown into the wild. Perhaps I needed to learn my own strength. Only once I was forced to question every corner of my existence, my morals and my choices, and only when I was threatened with unbearable pain and abandonment would my true fire start to burn.
Perhaps that is why it all happened and that is why I had to leave the city that I was born in and I had to run far away and grow on my own.
Now its all in the past and theres a fire burning in my heart and my soul. Now all that remains are those memories that I left on the top of a mountain in the Golan Heights in Israel while looking over the beautiful landscapes of Syria. Thats where I left it all, in the calm of the valleys when hiking along the Jordan river.
All there is left to do now is freely be myself no matter how much that girl was judged and tortured, in the end, she is all I have.
They go hand in hand and I don’t think I can have the one without the other because I don’t find it effective.
I need to see my therapist some time.
Maybe not dying?
But not being around anymore. Sometimes I imagine it all ending.
No me, no world, no problems, no work, no stress, no worry, no fear, no heartache.
I’ve even imagined ways in which I would die – I wouldnt kill myself, but I wouldnt mind dying sometimes.
I have been told by many a friend and family member that they are so proud of me for going off my medication. They are so impressed by how strong I am.
Well I’m not strong…
I’ve been back on my meds for 3 months already. I haven’t told a soul. Not even my mom and not even A.
Because I’m not strong for going off meds and I’m not weak for going back on either.
I have an illness and I’m drinking medication for it. And I am so happy that I am. Because drinking the medication makes the world of a differnece. And I don’t see why I need to explain that to anyone and why I need to be labeled weak or strong.
It is what it is.
I drink medication for anxiety and depression.
Who gives a fuck.
This is the first post in the new year of my blog and its a shit one – I apologise.
When I got divorced I learnt what the most important things in life were to me.
Love and family…
And now I wonder whats the point of stress and work and negativity and whats the point of everything. Love and family are the two most important things in my life – cant I sit and do that all day ?
This is a very negative way to start the new year of my blog – but it is what it is.
Work sucks, its hard and its a struggle and I have so much doubt and fear in me…its so overwhelming that I find it so much easier to just stare at all the work instead of actually doing it.
This is strange I know, but lately I have a fear of someone dying. I have this strange fear that someone close to me is going to die…
Went to the clinic today to visit one of my best friends. Her diagnosis is now a dual diagnoses for bipolar disorder and alcoholism. So she has been moved to a different unit.
It was really great visiting her, she is doing so well. Albeit very anxious and stressed of course, but the therapy is really working and she is working so hard and dealing with everything so well.
I am so proud of her 🙂
I have started eating all my meals again and snacks and going to gym.
It feels great.
I want to be healthy and balanced! I feel so much better when I am nourishing my body instead of punishing it. It makes a difference to every aspect i my life.
Things have been so much better since I’ve been on meds.
I feel light and calm and in control of my life.
I imagine this is what everyone feels like.
I go through bouts of feeling anxious, but I feel able to handle it and I tell A I’m feeling anxious and he is so supportive. Just gives me a hug and says its ok. He doesnt judge it or try to fix it 🙂