Sitting in my boyfriends bed – he’s upstairs watching soccer – usually I sit with him and watch but tonight a strange feeling came over me so I’ve come downstairs to write.
I do miss my ex husband sometimes. Like right now, listening to music that we discovered together and loved. Songs we sang to over a glass of wine while I was cooking and he sat on the kitchen counter next to me. The two of us giggling over something and his smile stained a purplish, red from the wine. I do miss those moments.
And I think thats ok and I think its ok to admit it.
For the first time in possibly my whole life, there has been a month where I didn’t stress financially. I’ve never been more secure in myself as I am right now – I finally went back to the gym last week and have stopped eating cake on a daily basis lol.
Things are good.
Of course things with A are perfect. Its been over a year and some how he is still the most incredible person I have ever met and I fall more and more in love with him every day – I know how cliche that sounds! But its true.
So do I miss my ex husband sometimes? Ye of course I do. Is it a big deal however? No, of course not.
Its my ex husbands birthday today and I didn’t say Happy Birthday.
Last year I did, and he said I sent him into a dark depression just by hearing my voice. So this years I completely avoided contact at all costs.
I hope he had a fabulous day however!
I couldn’t save us, we were build on shaky ground all along. Its as if we build ourselves up just to break us down and now I could literally build a city with all the stones they threw at me.
I couldn’t save us and I think if I could have reached him and pulled him from the dark and I could build us up again…I wouldn’t have.
With all the heartache and the pain. With all the words we exchanged – I wouldn’t take it back.
Remember that South African girl that went to Israel to find herself. With no plan and a tent on her back. She hiked around the sea of Galilee, slept on either side of the Jordan river. Hiked in the desert.
I hardly remember her.
It feels like a different lifetime.
The adventure, the blisters on my feet, the depression, the laughs, the trees and the smells. It all seems like a lifetime ago.
I was so lost and confused I thought – but I was just me all along. I never lost myself. I just discovered new fragments of myself. I just learned and I suffered and I cried in ways I didn’t imagine possible. Not crying tears, but literally crying in my soul.
But I left all the horrors there.
My last night in the desert – I left all that horror and that pain and fear in the Rhamakesh crater at Mitzpe Ramon. I left it all behind.
Now this is a really big deal…
My ex husband was convinced that I couldn’t keep anything alive. So I became convinced that I was unable to keep a plant alive. I would always buy pot plants and they would always die – I mean always. And my garden was also always dying.
Clearly this was all due to a bad energy.
Because now I somehow managed to have a new flower bloom on my orchid.
Its been a year since I’ve been living alone and the separation and so on.
Only now am I starting to feel like myself again.
I feel as if I have completely moved on and let go of the past. I’m starting to fall in love with myself again and respect and nurture myself.
And I’m focusing on my career and my dreams again.
It’s all coming together.
So much has happened in a year.
I’ve been living in the flat behind my uncles house for a year now – when I moved in after the divorce I said it would be 6 months and now I have been there for a year already.
But I feel like me again.
Things are simple again.
I go to the gym and I have breakfast. I go to work and I actually enjoy it. Then I have dinner and hang out with my boyfriend.
And tomorrow I do the same thing again. And you know what – its awesome.
Things are simple and light and happy.
I no longer feel that I cant breath and there isn’t a shadow of depression constantly following me anymore. There isn’t an eating disorder chatting away in my head 24/7 telling me I’m worthless. And there’s no divorce or husband continuously making me feel like a failure.
Its just me and the simple things in life.
This is the first post in the new year of my blog and its a shit one – I apologise.
When I got divorced I learnt what the most important things in life were to me.
Love and family…
And now I wonder whats the point of stress and work and negativity and whats the point of everything. Love and family are the two most important things in my life – cant I sit and do that all day ?
This is a very negative way to start the new year of my blog – but it is what it is.
Work sucks, its hard and its a struggle and I have so much doubt and fear in me…its so overwhelming that I find it so much easier to just stare at all the work instead of actually doing it.
My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂
I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.
How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.
In the past year:
Moved into my own flat,
Quit my job,
Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,
Backpacked through Israel solo,
Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,
Started a business
Blogged every day for a year
And probably a whole lot more 😉
I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂
Today I decided to spring clean my flat…
I found many things, like shopping in my own wardrobe, notebooks, memories…
I found my wedding rings, my wedding photos, my guestbook and my wedding dress.
I read through every message that every guest wrote. Everyone was so loving and the messages touched my heart deeply. People had so much love for us as a couple and we had so much love for each other.
Where did the love go?
I don’t know.
But I remember it so clearly.
The way our hands interlocked, the way we sang in the car together and drank wine while cooking. How we made love at midnight under the moon in our garden, how we took baths together and the way he smelt. The way he would give me medicine when I was sick and tucked me into bed.
That is what I’m remembering.
There was so much hate and so much trauma – up until today I don’t think I fully grasp how much trauma it was. I still don’t think I realise what a struggle it was. I have the memories and the scars of the hurt and the pain.
But the trauma is something that follows you after a divorce. The fears you now have for your new relationships. You carry certain beliefs with you that your ex made you believe but went true. You’re scared and a bit skeptic and I think that is where the trauma and the hurt lies. Its what you carry with you and I think it will probably take me a while, maybe a few years even…until I fully get passed everything…
For now, I’m trying to remember the beautiful parts that shined and not the sadness and hate.