I woke up at 01:45am this morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep.
Thoughts about my divorce just kept flying through my brain. The reasons, the things my ex husband said, the bulimia, my mom and dad crying with me in a parking lot. All those thoughts just flooded me and I was overpowered by shame.
I kept panicking about what A’s parents are going to say when they find out. Will they like me less and respect me less.
Sometimes I just feel so much guilt because I feel that A is the sweetest most incredible man and he deserves to be with a woman who wants the pretty white dress and who has idealistic views and is still naive and filled with innocence. I know this is just my ex husbands voice speaking to me, telling me that I am used up goods. I just can’t help these thoughts however.
I’m terrified of what his family will think when they find out about the eating disorder and the depression and the divorce.
I know I shouldn’t feel this shame, because my past is a part of me. And if it wasn’t for my past I wouldn’t be with A right now. So it has all happened for a reason.
It’s the past and it’s over and it does not define me. Yet It causes me a lot of anxiety as to what they will think when they find out the truth about me.
I went to my storage unit today.
Went through a few boxes. Saw all my glasses and pots and cookbooks and clothing and lamps and couches.
Everything from my past life.
As if my past is just living in that storage unit…
Can’t believe its part 11 already.
I guess I should be proud of how far I have come and where I am in life. Things could have been so different.
I chose self preservation over being emotionally neglected and miserable in a marriage that was toxic. I got divorced and uprooted my whole life. Everything is different now. Everything.
I hardly recognise the girl I was last year this time. And I hardly recognise the situation and the trauma as my own. I often forget about it all.
Then it comes in bouts and waves and reminds me, and the feelings return for a moment.
Sometimes I forget it but its still there, and I guess the feelings will remain for a while still…
Forget the mirror. Forget the folds when you pinch your sides, the days you spend wishing some parts of you will melt away, or disappear, pinch your neck, your arms, your thighs, take everything out. As a young girl you wished you could use knives to make it all disappear.
But you were always meant for so much more.
You’re a woman and you can do anything and achieve anything and be anything you want to be.
Its the century where we have the world at our hands and we chose to be thin and we chose to be pretty. Intelligence, kindeness, perseverance and strength didnt appeal because Anna and Mia defined strength as something else.
Forget them. Forget the mirrors and the whispers form others. The magazine covers, the false idea of beauty and strength. Forget them.
Clench your fists and tighten jaw and take it back. Be the woman you were born to be.
Life is too short to live one life and it’s way too short to waste. It’s too precious and its too special to spend all your energy on hatred for yourself. Life is a gift and your body is the only home you have. Why destroy your home?
Forget what they say because it doesn’t matter.
You can be whoever you decide to be. Take back what the illnesses stole and be the woman you were born to be.
I haven’t seen my two best friends since their wedding. We keep making plans and then one of us are unable to make it.
To be completely honest, I haven’t particularly put in much effort.
Things have just never been the same since I came back from Israel and since they planned the wedding.
She became bridezilla and I didn’t appreciate the way she treated me while I was making her dress. The two of them have said that I chose A over them and she has never been particularly open armed with him. Then they told me that they saved my life – which pissed me off. Because they helped me so much through my divorce which I will always appreciate, I just really didn’t expect them to say ‘we saved your life’. That was a bit upsetting because now I feel like I have to repay them or something.
I just don’t have the desire to even see them and this is worrying.
I spoke to my ex husband today about a few payments and debit orders that have been going out of my account for his medical scheme. Naturally he won’t pay me the money back. It’s fine.
Speaking to him brought on so much anxiety, I even drank an urbanol. I had a lump in my throat speaking to him and just his tone of voice makes me scared and want to cry. Which is so ironic because he comes across as the sweetest man ever.
Thanks for the reminder that leaving you was the best thing I ever did. Things are so much better now that you are not around.
Honestly I’m so grateful.
You drove by me today.
My ex husband drove past me in the traffic today and ironically he was wearing the shirt that he wore to our wedding. Blue with fine white stripes. I remember that I loved the way that shirt looked on him, the way it brought out the blue shade in his eyes.
The side mirror on the right side of his car was completely wrecked – I wonder what happened. I found myself hoping that he would look in my direction and see me, I wonder if we would have smiled, or waved, I know I would have, I wonder what his reaction might have been..
It feels strange to think that just a year ago I was in a complete different space in life. How so much has changed… Last year this time, he was away on a business trip actually and I was in the worst stage of my eating disorder, binging and purging up to 6 times a day – ironically I also had the flu – like I do now. My anxiety was at its absolute worse, my panic attacks were frequent and I felt that I was stuck in limbo. I didn’t realise how easy it was to lose the woman I was. She slipped out of my grasp without me even realising it. My confident core slowly faded into nothing day by day with each low blow. I had never felt so alone in my life and so lost. I was so scared of what the future had to hold.
But here I am, a year later, and I found her again.
And I hope that my ex husband is sleeping soundly tonight and that he is happy and that he feels he belongs and that he feels calm and warm inside.
My car broke down!
And it cost a fortune to fix it and I of course don’t have any money seeing as I spent my money on galavanting through Israel. So my parents had to help me out and then the voices started:
‘You will never amount to anything, you will never have enough money to pay for things like a real adult.’
‘You will always need someone to bail you out, you are a burden.’
And so on and so forth.
Also a few days ago, A told me that something sounded funny when I start my car and I should be safe and call him if I need help. Well I wanted to call him today but I didn’t. I instead just figured it out and organised the tow truck to collect me and found a mechanic and so on. Because I don’t want any favours from anyone because I feel that if someone helps me out I will have to repay them and I am honestly just not up for that.
My ex husband always made me feel guilty when he helped me out and made me feel that I had to repay him and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling.
The moment I binged and purged at their wedding I knew that things had fallen apart. We spent the whole wedding arguing.
‘Thats the way a bride is supposed to act, she isn’t saying a speech and she isn’t taking over the wedding, her family isn’t taking over the wedding’ he said.
And all I could do was nod.
‘This is the way a wedding is supposed to be’ my husband said while nodding his head furiously. ‘I’m still so embarrassed by the way your family just ruled the wedding, how nobody included me and nobody consulted me or cared about me at my own wedding.’
‘I still can’t believe you did this to me Danielle, I still can’t believe how you emasculated me.’
And again I just nodded and apologised profusely.
‘We can never get that night back. We’ll never be able to have it back, the most important day of our lives and you ruined it!’
Every second I could get away from him and the blaming I would suddenly find myself at the desserts, binging on everything and anything I could find. Running downstairs into the fields and into the darkness and purging. Tears running my cheeks and my face stoning from the cold and I was purging. I would go to the bathroom and freshen up and go back upstairs to the reception and the cycle would begin again. And all the time through the purging I just kept saying to myself ‘You falling apart Danielle, You are falling apart, ’
I cannot fathom how blessed I am and how content I feel right now…
I haven’t posted in this part yet.
I am feeling blank lately. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. All at once. All the time.
I have come to the realization that I miss being a wife. I miss my home and doing laundry and doing dishes and preparing meals. I miss the caretaker role, I miss looking after someone and loving someone.
I miss marriage.
I don’t miss my marriage.
I am so grateful that we ended our relationship, and I am much happier now.
However, I do miss marriage and I hope that one day I am fortunate enough to experience it again.