Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

When will I realise this can kill me – Day 6

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I tried to purge today, I literally scratched my throat with my nails and almost choked, and so I just ran out the bathroom horrified.

Something my dad said in June. He wishes my ex husband went to them and said ‘Danielle has relapsed, we need to help her’ instead of dismissing it and making me out to be attention seeking. ‘It’s not a choice, she’s hiding and running away’

 

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

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I am feeling so much more positive today. I am so grateful.

I went for a walk this morning with my mom and then ate breakfast on the grass and lay in the sun for a while and then spent my morning applying for new jobs.

I spoke to my parents and had a few heart to hearts and I am going to be fine. I am going to be ok and everything is going to be ok.

On the farm, love and fresh air, going to have dinner with my brother tonight, not a care in the world.

Gin and tonics and reading and writing all afternoon and I’m about to eat a hamburger for the first time in years – yes hamburger roll and all, sauce and all – fuck it – take a risk every day – no matter how big or small. I’m about to conquer a hamburger.