I made an appointment – Day 21

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I made an appointment with my psychologist for the first time after 6 months.

I don’t think I really need to go that badly, because it’s a small slip up, but only good can come from going to a session and getting my mind cleared and getting an objective view on everything.

This past week at home hasn’t been the greatest. Not sure if I was lonely and missed everyone or because I’m anxious about work or because I decided I’d lose weight this week and I actually landed up gaining…Possibly its a combination of all three.

So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon when I get back to the city.

I’m not going to tell my parents that I’m going back to therapy because I just don’t want them to worry right now, they think I’m much better and I am, it’s just a slip up.

I will tell A, I don’t know how or when but I feel I probably will. I don’t know what he will say, I just don’t want to keep it from him as its a big deal and its a part of me and I have to be open about it because I need him on my team.

My nephew is my guardian Angel – Day 17, 18, 19

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Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.

Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping.  I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.

Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.

The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’

I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?

I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.

Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.

Taking back Christmas – Day 16

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My brothers girlfriend is  visiting and she is wonderful.

A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.

All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.

This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.

I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

PART V – History strikes a nerve – Day 1

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Today is day 101 and my husband is still miserable and blames me for ruining his life – fun times.

I am working for my parents until Friday and then back to the city and then I will be back on the following Friday for holidays.

A sliver of me was enjoying the day while the rest was anxious and felt like boiling over—with what, I’m not sure.

It is strange being home and working again. It is also a massive trigger for my eating disorder I have learned. When I was eighteen I worked for my parents for two months before going to study and it was during one of the most debilitating phases in my eating disorders. I hated myself. I was exercising 3 hours a day. I was binging and purging all day and then skipping dinner.

Being home is bringing back those memories. Having the same routine and having meals with my parents where my dad comments when he isn’t happy with the food, and how it upsets my mom, I see her shrugging it off and trying to ignore it but of course it gets to her. All the kind of foods I used to binge on are still in the grocery cupboards. All the chocolate is still in the same place. The exact scale I used is in my brothers bathroom which used to be my parents bathroom.

I’m scared to run. I went this morning but it took me forever to get out of bed, not because I was lazy but because I am absolutely petrified that I slip into over exercising and that I don’t find a balance. In a way this is also self sabotaging because I love exercising but ed is keeping me from it because it somehow tries to convince me that I don’t deserve good things. Much like when I want a healthy meal, I eat junk food because there is some connection in my brain that registers that I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve to be ill.

Ugh.

It’s funny, when I am on the farm with my parents I am ok. When I am in my family home where I grew up and I am working, I am scared and I am anxious and I feel like that eighteen year old girl forcing herself to run for another hour to make up for a binge.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

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I am feeling so much more positive today. I am so grateful.

I went for a walk this morning with my mom and then ate breakfast on the grass and lay in the sun for a while and then spent my morning applying for new jobs.

I spoke to my parents and had a few heart to hearts and I am going to be fine. I am going to be ok and everything is going to be ok.

On the farm, love and fresh air, going to have dinner with my brother tonight, not a care in the world.

Gin and tonics and reading and writing all afternoon and I’m about to eat a hamburger for the first time in years – yes hamburger roll and all, sauce and all – fuck it – take a risk every day – no matter how big or small. I’m about to conquer a hamburger.