Don’t get me wrong. I love my tattoos.
However, I find myself becoming incredibly insecure about the tattoo on my arm because it is so visible and I have seen some not so positive reactions from friends and family about it. I find myself trying my best to hide it lately.
I know I shouldn’t care because if I like it then that is all that matters. But I cant help shame spiralling and feeling ashamed and wanting it gone.
I don’t know.
It isn’t going anywhere sooo…
So today has been a tad strange – many happy and fun moments but a gloomy cloud lurking above me never the less.
A and I never discussed our relationship – so I guess we are still just friends. Friends who sleep together, talk every day, say they miss each other and speak about all the things we are going to do together when I get back. So we are friends. I want to act all nonchalant and cavalier about this but my anxious girly mind can’t stop itself from worrying what is going on in the relationship.
The way I have felt the past two days – I am going to go home and A is going to realize what a worthless person I am, ugly and fat with no direction. A girl who is just a child and always will be, incapable of even controlling herself around a humane right like food. Then he will leave me – like he rightly should because he deserves more. He deserves someone who actually has their shit together, who can deal with this thing called ‘life’.
Am I feeling like a pile of dirt today…
EDNOS turns 10 years old this year.
Since the tender age of 16 we have been friends.
We had our breaks from each other. For years at a time we were only in contact once in a while. But our friendship never ended. We will always be there for each other in times of need.
Lets go binge and purge on your birthday cake…
I haven’t posted in this part yet.
I am feeling blank lately. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. All at once. All the time.
I have come to the realization that I miss being a wife. I miss my home and doing laundry and doing dishes and preparing meals. I miss the caretaker role, I miss looking after someone and loving someone.
I miss marriage.
I don’t miss my marriage.
I am so grateful that we ended our relationship, and I am much happier now.
However, I do miss marriage and I hope that one day I am fortunate enough to experience it again.
We’ve got to keep on moving on and on.
Forget the horror here. Its future dust and its future rust.
Each moment, each second is a new beginning. It’s hard and it’s tough. It’s hell but we have to keep on going. Even when its hell, heaven is always on the other side.
Eating – CHECK
Gym – CHECK
Not being too hard on myself – CHECK
Balance – CHECK
I love how you guys are always around to catch me when I fall with your elastic waist band 🙂
You fit again, and it’s annoying, I want you to be loose again, please be loose again…
The thing is, that I don’t feel that we belong. We simply don’t fit, we literally ripping holes into each other and overflowing with emotion. However the sad truth is, that when we together we comfort each other and egg each other on to binge and purge and feel the sweet satisfaction of control again…and then we get consumed.
So we are going to sit here now, in the garden with glass of wine and we going to sort out our differences and we going to accept and respect one another and build each other up. We are going to stop judging one another.
Cheers to us. Cheers to the love and respect we are harvesting…