I have just released the lookbook for my latest collection and I hate it.
It isn’t nearly as good as my last collection – it isn’t getting as many likes and people aren’t contacting me.
Who am I kidding to think I can even be a fashion designer? That I can actually make money off this? That people will actually wear my clothes.
I am heading down a negative spiral!
Of course I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and that I need to be kind to myself – but the anxiety is just taking over.
Literally blogging from KrsipyKreme
Resort collection used quite a bit of money…
Today I bought fabrics for my new orders and my bank balance has now slipped into the negatives. Thankfully a very spontaneous woman popped into my studio today and she wants a skirt so thats a tiny bit of money at least. But its not enough to cover medical expenses, pay for my storage unit – where all my furniture from my marriage is just stagnating and sucking up my funds, also the my phone, gym… and so on.
I have 7 days to get in new orders and make money?
So I’m sitting binging on mini Swiss rolls and browsing through my room looking for things that I could potentially sell for some extra cash?
Holding thumbs when the resort collection is released on Monday, I get lots of traffic!
Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.
In a healthy way with no obsessions.
No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.
I guess I need to be proud of that?
Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.
Instead realize how far you’ve come?
I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.
I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.
Would it effect you if you skipped your antidepressant for one day?
I just forgot to drink it.
And is it the placebo effect or am I really an anxious wreck?
I don’t know what it is but its hell and I feel myself climbing back into that dark hole.
Now A’s whole family has seen all my tats – they seem fine with them – shocked and very surprised but they seem ok. I’m terrified though, obviously they think of me slightly different. Now imagine how my anxiety has completely spiraled out of control worrying about their reaction when they find out divorced or had an eating disorder and depression. I really love them and they like me – but they have absolutely no idea about my past and details about me. They think I’m sweet and innocent and come from a lovely family and I’m sweet and kind and all those lovely things – which I am of course, but I’m a lot more. – imagine the shock and suprise then…naturally I’m scared they don’t like me anymore and they don’t think I’m good enough.
Also a family friend of theirs thats an asshole was at dinner last night. Literally wouldn’t start asking me about tattoos all through dinner and making comments.
Today, for the first time n a long time I felt like binging and purging.
So I had two donuts for breakfast and then restricted the rest of the day and had another donut on my way home.
Now I’m waiting for one of my best friends to come over for wine because she needed to chat and I think I need to chat too. Spend some time with a friend and have some girl time.
The cause of the urges is due to quite a few things
I have lost weight recently and I’m loving it and this causes a bit of anxiety – because instead of just continuing to eat healthy and exercise – I get anxious and I freak out and I obsess – I’m trying so hard to not slip into old ways but today it go the better of me.
Work is very stressful – things are going well, but money is tight and the voices are loud.
I’m going away for a week with my parents and A is going away with his friends for a weekend – I don’t know why this makes me anxious but it does?
So I’m eating donuts daily…
My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.
There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.
When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.
I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.
But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.
I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.
I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.
I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.
I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.
Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.
Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.
But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…
They go hand in hand and I don’t think I can have the one without the other because I don’t find it effective.
I need to see my therapist some time.