Take that ED – Part 15 Day 1,2

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Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.

In a healthy way with no obsessions.

No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.

Just balancing.

Me!

Boom!

So I’m the heaviest I have ever been but I haven’t binged and purged/ starved in ages – Day 23

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I guess I need to be proud of that?

Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.

Instead realize how far you’ve come?

I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.

I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.

Pins and needles in my organs – Day 16

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Today it took me about three hours to actually get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and actually just get ready to tackle the day. I woke up and I just couldn’t. Something as simple as showering seems as if its as big of a challenge as climbing a mountain.

All I want to do is sleep. But when I lay in bed this morning, not managing to get up, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was as if I had pins and needles in my veins and blood and organs, as if anxiety was in my body and it wasn’t a symptom that I was feeling – it was actually inside me – a part of me. And all I want to do is climb out of my own skin.

Skipped antidepressant – Day 15

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Would it effect you if you skipped your antidepressant for one day?

I just forgot to drink it.

And is it the placebo effect or am I really an anxious wreck?

I don’t know what it is but its hell and I feel myself climbing back into that dark hole.

Daily donuts – Day 14

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Today, for the first time n a long time I felt like binging and purging.

So I had two donuts for breakfast and then restricted the rest of the day and had another donut on my way home.

Now I’m waiting for one of my best friends to come over for wine because she needed to chat and I think I need to chat too. Spend some time with a friend and have some girl time.

The cause of the urges is due to quite a few things

I have lost weight recently and I’m loving it and this causes a bit of anxiety – because instead of just continuing to eat healthy and exercise – I get anxious and I freak out and I obsess –  I’m trying so hard to not slip into old ways but today it go the better of me.

Work is very stressful – things are going well, but money is tight and the voices are loud.

I’m going away for a week with my parents and A is going away with his friends for a weekend – I don’t know why this makes me anxious but it does?

So I’m eating donuts daily…

Running strong – Day 13

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We’ve been doing really well with our running, A and I, today we did a 7km and we actually managed quite well 🙂

Then made delicious pasta for dinner and I concentrated on every morsel that entered my mouth and tried not to be freaked out by all the cream.

The simple life – PART 13 – Day 1

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So much has happened in a year.

I’ve been living in the flat behind my uncles house for a year now – when I moved in after the divorce I said it would be 6 months and now I have been there for a year already.

But I feel like me again.

Things are simple again.

I go to the gym and I have breakfast. I go to work and I actually enjoy it. Then I have dinner and hang out with my boyfriend.

And tomorrow I do the same thing again. And you know what – its awesome.

Things are simple and light and happy.

I no longer feel that I cant breath and there isn’t a shadow of depression constantly following me anymore. There isn’t an eating disorder chatting away in my head 24/7 telling me I’m worthless. And there’s no divorce or husband continuously making me feel like a failure.

Its just me and the simple things in life.

Self harm among adults – Day 24

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TRIGGER WARNING!

I randomly thought about cutting today.  For the first time in months the thought self harming. There was no trigger and there was no urge, it was just a thought and it was an attractive thought.

The thing is that I’m 26 years old and cutting seems childish? Its as if society has labeled cutting as a form of self harm that is associated with teenagers, but its definitely a form of self harm that is favoured among adults as well.

The last time I cut was in March when I was in Israel and I was going through such a rough time. I cut myself twice on my left thigh and I’m still bearing the scars and I’ll admit that I do feel slightly self conscious about them.

But yesterday I thought about cutting myself on that same left thigh. I though about the way the blade would slash thin lines across my skin and it would sting the blood would slowly start to appear, in the form of little droplets along the cut lines.

I am sad to admit, but it seems so appealing.

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I actually love myself – Day 17

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My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.

There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.

When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.

I never wanted to be sexy – Day 9

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I’m so incredibly curvy at the moment that when I look at my boobs and butt, I get a little turned on even…thats how sexy I’ve become. A loves it obviously and there is a part of me does too.

But I’ve never wanted to be sexy.

I wanted to be tiny and cute and skinny.

I want clothes to hang off my bones, my want my pants to float around my hip bones and I want my waist to be so tiny, I want my ribs to stick out and I want to count them.

I want to be fragile and waif like, floating… delicate.

I want to be held and I want him to run his fingers across my bones, I want him to be so gentle because I might break.

Now he looks at me and thinks I’m so sexy and strong and confident. He loves every curve and stares at me when I’m wearing a low cut top, he touches me all the time and he can’t keep his eyes off my body.

Which is better…which is beautiful. Because I am a woman. And that is beautiful and that is powerful.

But the illness in me still wants to be a weak and fragile fairy like creature…