I spend every night with A usually except Mondays because he plays soccer and then I catch up on all my admin work. It feels strange being in bed alone, I miss him. I’ve become so attached.
I went to gym 6 times last week – whoop whoop! But then didn’t go today because I had strange back pain.
I just had chocolate brownies for dinner – and I don’t feel guilty. Not even a little…
I’m going back on medication – I’ll start tomorrow.
My psychiatrist was so incredible today.
I explained to her that being on meds makes me feel weak because I feel I should be able to deal with these issues on my own by now. And then she told me that as unorthodox as it is to tell me this, she is in fact on medication for anxiety.
Came home to the farm today.
I don’t know why I am so emotional lately and my mum can sense it. She often asks if I’m ok and I promise her that I am, even though I just want to burst into tears all the time.
Guilt plagues me and I’m constantly scared something is going to happen.
Like a little child, I feel I might get into trouble at any moment.
I don’t know if it’s just the anxiety from starting a new relationship and a business. Or if its because a year ago my life fell apart and the trauma is effecting me now. Maybe a combination of everything.
Weighed myself this morning – What a fuck up, surprised the scale didn’t collapse. Skipped breakfast – This actually wasn’t even intentional, I just landed up having an incredibly busy morning. Had a sandwich for lunch and now having lasagne for dinner. Went grocery shopping this evening and making a meal plan for the week. I have to get into healthier habits, and it will be nice to shed a few kg’s while at it.
I have started reading a book called ‘Letting go of Ed’ by Pippa Wilson.
I’m hoping it helps me to let go.
It’s been 10 years.
It’s time to let go…
Went to therapy today and my psychologist pointed out the following:
A year ago I actually started therapy, with a 6 month gap recently. And in the span of one year I somehow managed to:
Leave a chaotic marriage and get a divorce
Leave my home and move into a new one, uprooting all my comforts
Resign from my job
Travel through a foreign country alone
Start a business
Try to recover from an eating disorder during all this chaos
I discussed with her that perhaps I don’t want to recover, its been 10 years that I have been in and out of the constant struggle that is this eating disorder.
She said its because it serves a purpose. It’s there for me and it has a function, its comforting and its a distraction. Until I learn to to feel my anxiety, the disorder will be there. She says I have become really negative, I’m fearful and she could sense my anxiety. She said I couldn’t really expect myself to make a full recovery with so much going on in my life.
Now I need to take things slow… Be gentle with myself and give myself time…
Forget the mirror. Forget the folds when you pinch your sides, the days you spend wishing some parts of you will melt away, or disappear, pinch your neck, your arms, your thighs, take everything out. As a young girl you wished you could use knives to make it all disappear.
But you were always meant for so much more.
You’re a woman and you can do anything and achieve anything and be anything you want to be.
Its the century where we have the world at our hands and we chose to be thin and we chose to be pretty. Intelligence, kindeness, perseverance and strength didnt appeal because Anna and Mia defined strength as something else.
Forget them. Forget the mirrors and the whispers form others. The magazine covers, the false idea of beauty and strength. Forget them.
Clench your fists and tighten jaw and take it back. Be the woman you were born to be.
Life is too short to live one life and it’s way too short to waste. It’s too precious and its too special to spend all your energy on hatred for yourself. Life is a gift and your body is the only home you have. Why destroy your home?
Forget what they say because it doesn’t matter.
You can be whoever you decide to be. Take back what the illnesses stole and be the woman you were born to be.
I’m struggling home alone…
Its strange being here without my family. Today I worked in the office a bit and then the afternoon I started working on the patterns for my collection and my motivation isnt flying as high as it has been recently! So I’m a little worried, but I suppose we can’t be switched on 24/7.
Also I have been binging…