Fear – Day 18

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I woke up at 01:45am this morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Thoughts about my divorce just kept flying through my brain. The reasons, the things my ex husband said, the bulimia, my mom and dad crying with me in a parking lot. All those thoughts just flooded me and I was overpowered by shame.

I kept panicking about what A’s parents are going to say when they find out. Will they like me less and respect me less.

Sometimes I just feel so much guilt because I feel that A is the sweetest most incredible man and he deserves to be with a woman who wants the pretty white dress and who has idealistic views and is still naive and filled with innocence. I know this is just my ex husbands voice speaking to me, telling me that I am used up goods. I just can’t help these thoughts however.

I’m terrified of what his family will think when they find out about the eating disorder and the depression and the divorce.

I know I shouldn’t feel this shame, because my past is a part of me. And if it wasn’t for my past I wouldn’t be with A right now. So it has all happened for a reason.

It’s the past and it’s over and it does not define me. Yet It causes me a lot of anxiety as to what they will think when they find out the truth about me.

 

Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

My nephew is my guardian Angel – Day 17, 18, 19

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Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.

Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping.  I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.

Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.

The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’

I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?

I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.

Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

We are all entitled to our own views and opinions, but you do not have the right to make shit up about people and then oppress them with the shit you made up- Day 25

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So calling my husband for his birthday yesterday was an epic fail. Whilst I felt content about our relationship. He felt the opposite.

So since yesterday afternoon I have been bombarded with mail and been called the following – notice that all this name calling is coming from someone who is not emotionally abusive, instead very loving and caring:

You ruined my birthday by calling me. You have put me into a dark depression. You are a liar and a user and you will be exposed for who you truly are.You are a coward.You are mentally ill You’ve been playing the innocent victim to your friends and family. You developed an interest in someone else and discarded me to pursue this interest. I’m not saying you cheated on me. You lived a double life Danielle there are things I know about that you do not know I know about. Danielle people are going to see your true colours in time. You are very ill. You are damaged. I feel deeply deeply sorry for whoever suffers from your cruelty. I sincerely feel sorry for any honest decent human being that experiences the pain your evil causes. They deserve my love – not you. I feel desperately sorry for the poor person that falls in love with your emptiness.

I don’t care what is going on in your life, you don’t speak to people in this manner. No one has the right to think they know anyone better than they know themselves. No one has the right to treat people this way.

Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

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I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

Tomorrow – Day 18

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So I spent the night at his house last night and then will stay there tonight as well and then we fly in the morning for our holiday!

We had a bit of a strange evening as I made it quite clear to him that I feel he is stringing me along. It was awkward and it probably wasn’t the best way of going about things and it added pressure. I however feel much better that I got everything off my chest.

Looking forward to our trip away. A little bit nervous and anxious about it, but looking forward. I have had a rough year and I need a holiday.

Lets skip the charades – Day 3

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So I had that talk with him, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I couldn’t keep living in limbo so I just went ahead and I asked. I had to, eventually so much resentment would build up and anxiety would take over if I didn’t. Then I would binge and spiral and I’m actually doing quite well – Ok lies, I binged and purged yesterday (you see how natural it becomes that you eventually forget when you engage in disruptive behaviours, they just part of your routine.

So I just keep on acting like I’m so strong and he keeps acting like nothings wrong. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

This is what it boils down to…

He isn’t ready to commit 100% to a relationship. I am kind of I think – maybe I’m not 100% ready, but I willing to give it a shot. I’m willing to try. I completely understand where he is coming from, the day he met he was fresh in breaking up with his girlfriend, his best friend had died and he is moving to New York City? I totally get it, its totally understandable. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings a little bit.

Never the less I am happy that we could be so open and honest with each other – it feels like such an incredibly mature relationship, and it was great speaking. I’m so used having someone shout at me and tell me that I am delusional – that I actually enjoyed the conversation because for the first time in years my partner actually cared what my point of view was.

I’m taking a step back.

This is never going to go my way if I try and control it.

Stepping back, focusing on me again.