Sorry – Day 23

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06:10

I get woken up by a phone call from A…

‘Hello’ I answer

‘How are you’ he asks softly, I can hear he just woke up and is half asleep and confused.

‘Ok, you?’

‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I was being such a show off and a douche and now I woke up and my bunz isn’t here with’ he says sighing,

‘Thats because bunz is at bitch avenue’ I say and I swear he can hear me shaking my heads as my lips start to tremble and I can feel my tears are about to escape.

‘I’m so sorry’

‘It’s ok’

‘Do you want to see me today?’ he asks desperately.

‘I do, I’ll shower and get dressed, I just need a little time to think and I’ll be there’.

Crawled back into bed and cried… There is a part of me that wants to rip his head off. A part of me that is furious and hurt and distraught. Then there is my heart that accepts the apology and loves him still and forgives him and knows that I need to keep going. A part of me that will allow one fight and forgive him and move on.

When I got to his house he was still sleeping. He held me, said sorry. Said it would never happen again and he hates being the reason I cry.

‘I was so terrified that you were going to walk in  and say its over and leave’ he said sadly.

‘My bunz, don’t think I’m going to give up on us so easily, just because you were an idiot for one night, doesn’t mean its going to ruin this. We’re worth so much more than that!’ I said and kissed him on his forehead 🙂

He took us for breakfast and the hard-rock cafe and bought me a t shirt to say sorry 🙂

Bitch avenue – Day 22

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Went out last night. A got drunk and he got mean – which is strange, because even at his drunkest he has somehow managed to always remain sweet and loving.

We waited for the uber, and I asked if he had the house keys, and then…

‘Not a fuck am I giving you my house keys’ he said.

Well now I was just like huh? and in a shock.

Got into the uber and we gave his address and there was bitter banter fighting when the uber driver said ‘I can sense real love here’

Danielle: “Definitely from my side’

And what does A say?????????

‘Not from my side’ he said raising his brows.

‘Ok then, well I think its best that I go home then’ I said in tears, by now I was a complete mess.

‘Yes, home to bitch avenue’ Said A.

So at 01;35 I packed my bags, put him to bed, and I drove home in tears.

Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

Today was in fact lovely – Day 12

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Work was lame.

Dinner with him was lovely, got indian take out. Watched a bit of TV, drank a bottle of wine and just lay together chatting.

Perfect.

Be kind – Day 9

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My husband still emails me daily – still about how I saved him and I saved his life and I have helped him and I am special and so on and so forth. He still however cannot risk bumping into him as it will break him – only once he feels ready and his therapist agrees that he is ready will he see me. OK…

Binged on brownies around 9am and restricted all day.

Be kind to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

This is what eating disorder therapy looks like – Day 6

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I woke up feeling so funny this morning.

I literally didn’t leave my house because I was so horrified that I would go out and buy food and binge and purge! I woke up in a complete panic, so anxious and so edgy and I still don’t know why? So I had a bowl of muesli and yogurt and I had anxiety medication and went to sleep and then woke up at 10:30 – that hasn’t happened in forever. I’m an early bird.

Still so anxious when I woke up, I decided to paint – I was freaking out, honestly I ave never been so afraid of myself and of my eating disorder. I lay on my floor crying, crying because I am here again. Yes we all go on and on about how a relapse is perfectly natural as your body will naturally resort to familiar coping mechanisms when under pressure. But who gives a fuck if its natural, it doesn’t make it any easier. And we all sit preaching to each other to stay strong and to be gentle with ourselves. Well again, thats a lot easier said than done. We would all love to be softer and not be so hard on ourselves, but your eating disorder is screaming with a microphone in your brain and your voice seems to just get lost and becomes white noise.

And you just lay there and you just cry. Because you feel like such a failure. So much work, so much pain and so many years and so many hospital visits and so many therapists and so many dieticians and so many pills and so many electrolyte tests. Then one day you wake up and half your life is gone and you feel so guilty because you should actually be crying because you got divorced yet that makes you feel so relieved! Its this illness that weighs you down, it hurts you more than any heartbreak in this world could and now you back there again. Maybe you not wearing the hospital wrist band with your surname on it, but you might as well be, because you feel like you back there. You sitting with everyone outside and everyone is smoking and you all discussing the reason you in the hospital and Pedro is shaking because his OCD is so intense at that moment that he so badly wants a drink and Colleen has closed the curtain around her bed and tells you through the curtains that on her weekend pass she tried to commit suicide and now she is too ashamed to even peak through the curtain at you. Remember that annoying old man that kept telling you to smile, fuck him, he was so annoying. Then there’s Chelsea, where is Chelsea now?

I’ll never forget booking into hospital and Chelsea was sitting there and my brother said ‘she looks pretty normal, you gonna be fine! And I’ll come visit you all the time, and these two weeks are going to go by so fast, its all going to be fine’. Chelsea smiled and I smiled – that smile where you saying to each other ‘I wonder why you here, but I don’t even care, because I know we here together and I know we going to get through this and I know both of us are trying so hard to pretend we normal and this isn’t the weirdest situation we have ever been in.’ We became friends. She had awful depression, which is strange because she was so pretty. And thats what people think, you so pretty how can you be sad. Well thats discrimination against ugly people.

So you have these thoughts and you think about all your friends and you wonder, why are some of us as deep as a well and some of us have the emotional range of a teaspoon? So you lay crying and you think of the morning that you cut for the first time in six years and you feel so ashamed, and then you wonder; did he see the scars, surely he has seen the scars on your thigh, or maybe he just looks right past them because you just own them and you for the first time in years just decided that you didn’t even care if someone saw the scars. Its just scars, we all have scars, whether they on your skin or your heart, they all there.

But we all so scared all the time, we so scared that someone is going to find out what incredibly flawed individuals we are. We just so anxious and we actually like fucking zombies and we just so ridiculous because we all so consumed with worrying what someone else will think – Well guess what: everyone is freaking out just like you are and if someone doesn’t want to see your flaws then show them to someone else.

So now I lay here on my floor and I paint whilst doing eating disorder therapy and crying and writing – because sometimes you are just so scatter brained that you cant even do one thing, your mind is all over the place so you might as well just do things all over the place and mess paint on the carpet and cry tears into your painting because thats what life is, its being fucking real and raw. Its being a wreck and then the next minute thinking you so lame because life is actually awesome, its all over the place. Life is everywhere and its no where.

Then I repeated this cycle over and over again. Then went to buy some art supplies and made the mistake of buying a mcflurry because I don’t know how to stop the anxiety so you eat it and naturally freak out, and bulimia keeps nudging and says ‘ice cream is so easy to purge’ just do it. So you do it because you know that once you get that release you will release all of that anxiety – and again you find yourself in that familiar place, your hair tied back and eyes blood shot and you have stabbing pains in your chest but you just keep going. The sickest part is that you literally think to yourself ‘ice cream is so easy to purge, have to remember this for next time, so much easier than purging chocolate”, I mean really, how fucked up are you when you think those thoughts? How ashamed are you, why do you have this incredibly unattractive illness? Why cant you just have OCD or something like that, why do you have this ravenous illness that takes over your body. Why are you so fucked up?

YOU NOT! You are not fucked up for thinking those thoughts. You have an illness and thats ok, the mere fact that you have recognised this and are working on it is all that matters. Thats what we all tell each other right? My old instagram account that was dedicated to my recovery, all my followers and me would always comment ‘dont be so hard on yourself, stay strong, keep fighting, you are worthy of recovery’ and so on and so forth. But none of us believe it when it comes to our own hearts and souls. We continue abusing our bodies because A. It’s not as easy as it sounds to just recover; and B. Because its so much easier to take the easy route and listen to your eating disorder than to actually fight it and fight the voice, and challenge it and challenge the fears and the feelings!

But like I always say, there is nothing sexier than personal growth. Absolutely nothing, except maybe a good perfume or cologne or a great shade of red lipstick, other than that personal growth is sexy and its raw and its real.

And we all hypocrites and we all dishing out advice to each other and we all seem wise, well we are all wise, just in different ways, I guess its up to you to decide who you showing this to. Who are you going to be your raw self with and when are you going to be scared and horrified and cry and sob and feel sorry for yourself and just be open and just say ‘I’m a human and I’m flawed and I want to be perfect but I cant be and thats fine and its also not fine at the same time because thats human nature’. We all so freaking flawed and we just trying to be perfect.

Well guess what – everyone always thinks I’m perfect because for some reason I am the most resilient human being on planet earth, I mean really – give me a grenade thats about to kill me and I’ll probably find something creative to do with it. Thats just me. But you, you resilient as well, you just have to show it and stop hiding and stop being scared and stop isolating yourself! And how ironic – here I go, dishing out advice, because we all fucking hypocrites.

Doing eating disorder therapy all night

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

You have the right to your own beliefs and opinions but you do not have the right to make shit up about people and then use the shit you made up to oppress them – Day 23

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So I blocked my husbands email address last night because he just was being an irritant to what was a lovely day. We chatted on the phone. He said we found closure. Then he emailed my therapist? I find it extremely psycho of him to email my therapist. He wants to help me heal. Thank you but that is not your concern anymore. When I told him I relapsed into my eating disorder and he said he couldn’t believe I dumped my problems on him? Now we are divorced and he wants to help me and do everything in his power to help me heal. Oh just shut up.

He sent an email saying that I mustn’t run after a man just to fill the void inside me because I will never find true love. That my soul has died but he believes that I will find her again. That he would rather be alone than be with someone to fill the void inside him. Ok thank you. You are now blocked because you are so fucking boring. You used to go into the trash and that is just too much admin so you now wont be coming into any mail box.

So now onto things that actually matter 🙂 I am going home to my parents tomorrow and I cannot wait! It is going to be so lovely to them and to be home with them. I cant believe it but I haven’t been home in 4 months already, time flies. I cant wait to go on long walks on the farm and see my brother and drink good wine and sleep – yes I am looking forward to sleeping soundly most of the weekend. When ever I am with my parents I am so calm and relaxed that I spend most of my time sleeping.

Work was so weird today – I was so tired and I had such a headache and I had so much admin to do and I was just feeling all round moody. Binged a bit when I got home on half a jar of nutella – didn’t purge!! Then had a lovely evening with my aunt and uncle and some family and early night! Home tomorrow!

Guilt plagues me – Day 15

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Fuck you eating disorder. I’ve been diagnosed with EDNOS – anorexic tendencies and binge purge subtype and obsessive exercising. Guilt and shame. Feeling like I don’t deserve anything. Anorexia stop saying I don’t deserve love and I don’t deserve food. Bulimia stop telling me that you are the only one that is there for me, you are the only one that can comfort me.

Stop making me want to isolate myself and get caught up in this web. This illness thrives in secrecy. I just want to hide in it but i actually want someone to hold me and tell me they understand that as bizarre as this is, they understand the crisis that it is.

I have to call my mom and tell her that I am not doing well but I feel so guilty. I feel so sorry that I am doing this to myself and that I am doing this to them. I don’t want them to be concerned and I don’t want them to worry. They have done so much for me, they have supported me in so many ways. I feel that I just keep failing and failing and that they need to pick up the pieces. I know that recovery is a team based approach and I know I cant do it myself and my family knows this too. I however just cant bring myself to open up to them.

Therapy is so expensive, I really cant afford it on my own anymore and again I feel terrible to ask my parents for help because they have done so much for me already.

Guilt just plagues me. I feel guilty when someone is nice to me and I feel guilty when someone gives me something. Again because that is the way my husband treated me, every nice thing he did for me was mentioned over and over again in a way as to say ‘I do so much for you and you do nothing for me’. So now Guilt plagues me. I panic when someone is kind towards me because I think I need to give them something in return and I also think that while they might be doing something nice – they might switch to a completely different person in seconds.

So the cycle went like this today. I spent the night with him and it was wonderful and we had a wonderful morning. He is wonderful and he is so special and has such an amazing heart and is so sensitive and supportive. When I stare into his eyes I look at him looking at me and I know he understands. Then I get shy when he just looks at me and admires me. We lay in each others arms hugging each other tight and I picked out his suit for the day. It was perfect.

Get to work smiling from ear to ear and slowly this voice starts creeping in and I start to panic because A. I feel insecure, because I am horrified of the unknown and being out of control and having no idea where this relationship is going, I just want it to go on and on. And then B. There is my own inner disordered voice chiming in that I don’t deserve anything good C. There is guilt because I really love being with him but I feel like I am a mess that he doesn’t have to clean up. And the most ridiculous part of all of this is that I will support him until the end and I will hold him and I will walk with him through anything.

Ironically when I am with him – I am me, I am so confident around him and I am so inspired by him and I just want to be vulnerable and open and unguarded. When I am with him I feel calm and I feel strong enough to conquer anything and I am present and I am in the moment with him.

But then the anxiety starts and so I want to binge and purge because I am feeling overwhelmed and out of control and guilty and I cant seem to just let go and I am anxious. Then of course my good friend bulimia doesn’t want to be left out and she assures me that no matter what happens she will always be there to comfort me. So off I go and I spend an insane amount of money that is literally going to end up in the toilet – Literally! I struggle with the emotions and I am scared because I feel I am weak and the disorder is so much stronger than me. I am disappointed in myself and I am scared to disappointment my family. Im standing in the queue with the sugary treats – always sugar. And I am so anxious and scared and my eyes slowly start to tear but I of course keep it in.

I binge and purge in the mall. What the fuck? And I just binge, all I want in that moment is for someone to hug me and squeeze me so tight and tell me its ok, I’m ok, everything is ok. But I am too scared to show this dirty secret of mine so I don’t reach out – because once again – how awkward is that phone call ‘Hi so and so – ummm I really want to b/p please help me’. I guess I don’t even have to tell the person that I want to b/p, I can just say I am anxious, strangely enough I am a sucky liar about this. So I just binge and I push all those feelings away and I am on auto pilot and it is an out of body experience and I have completely disassociated from myself. The shell of Danielle is on the floor binging and purging but I am looking in – I’m not actually doing this. It happens so quickly and then I am so calm. Then the guilt and the shame attacks and then I purge – again I am watching myself purge and I feel helpless because I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop this from happening. And then the ocean of calm. I feel how flat my stomach is and I decide if I have purged enough. And I relax for a few moments because my eyes are blood shot and my heart is beating and my stomach hurts.

Then its over. Just like that. I rinse out my mouth and splash my face with water I am calm and life continues as if nothing happened. And everyone continues to tell me what a strong and resilient young woman I am. And all I am is a fraud. I’m like everyone out there. We all have our stuff and we have our demons – my demon just had to show itself in a very sick manner – none the less we all have our demons.

Everyone is walking around looking pretty and we look in control when we really all just winging it.

So I didn’t do that great today. But I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and I will keep fighting and I will keep moving on and staying strong.

I am amazed that in 10 days time PARTII of 25days of divorce will be over. A friend of mine asked the other day when I think I actually started over and accepted what happened and owned the past and moved on. It was day 2 of PARTI. When I moved into my own room, thats when it hit me – there was no going back – I am only going forward. And that is exactly how it is with my eating disorder – I am moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel that way, every day is a day closer to recovery and every day I get closer to being free. No matter how despondent I feel right now, no matter the fact that I feel this illness will never leave me – I know deep down I will conquer this.

Don’t let your struggle become your identity – Day 14

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So as yesterday progressed it actually just got worse. I came home early because I was feeling ill and I took a nap and then I woke up anxious. I landed up eating 3 bowls of muesli and yogurt. I just sat crying and binging but I didn’t purge. I was crying because I felt like such a failure, the fact that my bulimia is acting up again. The fact that I am back here. 6 years ago I fought so hard to beat this and now I am back here. I hadn’t binged and purged in 4 months and then it slowly starting creeping back up. Fuck off.

The ironic thing is that I have been engrossed in my eating disorder all this time, since February. Just because I didn’t binge and purge for a good while doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. I was restricting and I was over exercising and I was weighing myself. Its just that I waver between the anorexic tendencies and the bulimic tendencies and I flit between the two and when I am in the restricting phase I am at my happiest because then I feel proud of myself and I feel in control.

Last night I binged – I hardly ever purge anymore because I am too scared – so I am gaining weight, and thats just a whole other issue it itself. I binged on yogurt and granola because I am at that point now where anything will do. I literally sat over a bowl binging and crying – in hindsight I was probably eating my tears as well. Such a mess.

Then he called and I didn’t answer because how on earth was I going to answer a his call crying and binging and wallowing in a pit. So I called him back a few moments later and he knew something was up and so he came over and her held me and it was wonderful. He knows about the disorder but I am not sure if he understands it and understands all that it entails. Still he was so very supportive and basically told me to stop being so hard on myself – I need to be more gentle on my myself. It was so warm and safe lying in his arms. I wanted to open up even more about my eating disorder but I was ashamed. When I am in the binge and purge cycle I get so ashamed of myself. Bulimia really isn’t the most attractive illness to have – its fucking disgusting actually. So How do you just blurt that out to someone 😦 without having the fear that they will judge you – especially when you have been judged. Yet it is incredibly unfair on anyone for me to think that, because everyone has their own views and I know that I need to give people a chance instead of just assuming that they won’t understand.

Back in April after trying to pluck up the courage for 2 months – when I told my husband that my eating disorder had returned he was so lovely and supportive. About a month later however when I started to get really bad anxiety and I really started to struggle he told me he couldn’t believe I was dumping this (my eating disorder and depression) on him. He was busy with his phd and that was all he could focus on and then I went and dumped my relapse on him?

When I told my parents about the relapse and that I was on medication and in therapy it was already June. The first thing my mom said, was why didn’t he tell us and why didn’t he reach out and ask for support. Well because he thought I was self absorbed and vain and attention seeking. So I went to therapy alone and did recovery on my own. I once asked him to help me with a workbook (hope,help and healing for eating disorders by Gregory Jantz – I highly recommend it), because they suggest you do it will someone that can be on your side – he however blatantly said no and had a strange giggle when saying it too.

This is part of why I am so scared to open up to people about my eating disorder and also because I am so ashamed of myself when I am stuck in this phase of this disorder. Like I mentioned before – when I am restricting I am so much better. Today I have eaten rally well and I had an apple only for lunch and an orange for snack and I was in a great mood because not eating is good, and eating is bad. That is how my day works – how much food I consumed. I honestly wish the day would come where I just ate intuitively and there was no panic and anxiety around food.

I want to go to a restaurant and see something that I like and order it, no matter how unhealthily it is and no matter how many calories it is. Now instead I am known as the one that always takes long to decide what to eat at a restaurant all because I am deciphering every single dish and deciding whether I am allowed to eat it or not.

This is exhausting.

Going out with friends tonight which I am looking forward to and then hopefully we’ll see him for dinner afterwards.