So I’m super poor. I had some money and then I had to buy my meds and now I have 10cents to my name.
So this week I am polishing off everything that is in my house, so my diet will mainly consist of oats and pasta with canned tomatoes haha.
My gas stove has also run out of gas – so its oats for now and anything that can be made in a microwave.
I think this is the best thing that has happened to my eating disorder ironically…because I’m actually viewing food as fuel instead of comfort or the enemy.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
Today was better at work, I was more comfortable and I felt a little more in control. I was actually starting to get used to being there and get used to being home.
Last night I lay in bed and I couldn’t sleep, for a few hours I tossed and I turned. Worrying about the Kibbutz because I hadn’t heard back yet, the Kibbutz is my out at the moment. If the Kibbutz doesn’t happen then I don’t know what will. Worried about him because he has become so distant. Worried about my relationship with my boss.
I made the decision that tomorrow evening when I meet him for dinner, I am going to end our relationship. Is relationship even the right word? I don’t know.
Eating wise wasn’t great. I binged on ice cream in the afternoon. I went to the farm at about 17h00 to spend the night. We landed up having such a fun spontaneous night! Made pizza and pasta and had wine and then chocolate and then we even had liqueurs.
My mum, dad, my brother and me. My happy place, on the farm.
I am feeling so much more positive today. I am so grateful.
I went for a walk this morning with my mom and then ate breakfast on the grass and lay in the sun for a while and then spent my morning applying for new jobs.
I spoke to my parents and had a few heart to hearts and I am going to be fine. I am going to be ok and everything is going to be ok.
On the farm, love and fresh air, going to have dinner with my brother tonight, not a care in the world.
Gin and tonics and reading and writing all afternoon and I’m about to eat a hamburger for the first time in years – yes hamburger roll and all, sauce and all – fuck it – take a risk every day – no matter how big or small. I’m about to conquer a hamburger.