So I’m super poor. I had some money and then I had to buy my meds and now I have 10cents to my name.
So this week I am polishing off everything that is in my house, so my diet will mainly consist of oats and pasta with canned tomatoes haha.
My gas stove has also run out of gas – so its oats for now and anything that can be made in a microwave.
I think this is the best thing that has happened to my eating disorder ironically…because I’m actually viewing food as fuel instead of comfort or the enemy.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.
I am feeling so much more positive today. I am so grateful.
I went for a walk this morning with my mom and then ate breakfast on the grass and lay in the sun for a while and then spent my morning applying for new jobs.
I spoke to my parents and had a few heart to hearts and I am going to be fine. I am going to be ok and everything is going to be ok.
On the farm, love and fresh air, going to have dinner with my brother tonight, not a care in the world.
Gin and tonics and reading and writing all afternoon and I’m about to eat a hamburger for the first time in years – yes hamburger roll and all, sauce and all – fuck it – take a risk every day – no matter how big or small. I’m about to conquer a hamburger.