Thank you for trusting me – Day 19

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Since I was a little girl I have been free to be whoever I want to be. My parents have never told me who to be, how to act or what I should be doing with my life.

The result of this has been that I have been able to make my own mistakes and I have made so many mistakes and I have learned so many life lessons.

I was allowed to dye my hair pink, take art instead of maths, get married to someone they didn’t approve of 100%, drop out of studying psychology, travelled to Israel by myself and camped alone in a foreign country. I’ve started my own business and I’ve got tattoos, I’ve been broke and I’ve had money.

All because they trusted me to make my own decisions.

And there are times that I wish things were a lot more simple, but things could have been so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I am so fortunate to have this life that I have, and to live this life and I honestly wouldnt change it for anything in the world!

I belong among the world’s wild flowers – Day 22

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Last night A and I went to watch the jungle book and it was incredible. As ridiculous as this may sound, I found myself wishing I was Mogli. It brought back so many memories of Israel. My tent, my boots, running out of water, climbing mountains and getting sunburnt.

I miss the nature and the wild and the freedom.

photo – blister plant, Ramon Maktesh, Mitzpe Ramon, Israel

Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.

My nephew is my guardian Angel – Day 17, 18, 19

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Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.

Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping.  I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.

Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.

The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’

I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?

I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.

Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

Hello FUTURE – Day 25

Lonely girl with suitcase at country road dreaming about travel.

Things at work are now ironically going really well. I think because I cleared the air with my boss, everything sis running much smoother and I feel we have our friendship back. She is trying to put me on a guilt trip as she keeps mentioning that I am leaving.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on next year. Where I would like to go and what I want to get out of it. What my goals go and so on. I think I need this, I think I really really need this.

Weight off my shoulders, I am freeeeeee – Day 24

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Ok so I did it…

I resigned 🙂

It actually went surprisingly well, I was just completely honest and open with my boss. Honesty is always the best policy. I explained to her that I wasn’t growing, I felt I was stagnating. She was incredibly supportive, and agrees that I need to grow and go out and explore the world, because I told her I was really interested in travelling.

Be kind – Day 9

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My husband still emails me daily – still about how I saved him and I saved his life and I have helped him and I am special and so on and so forth. He still however cannot risk bumping into him as it will break him – only once he feels ready and his therapist agrees that he is ready will he see me. OK…

Binged on brownies around 9am and restricted all day.

Be kind to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

All you need to get through a divorce and eating disorder recovery is retail therapy, a hairbrush to sing into, a box of tissues, insane amounts of chocolate, people who love you and self love and acceptance – Day 8

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I bought a new watch today 🙂 so excited and new shoes and a new handbag and a new skirt that I have had my eye on for weeks but its soooo expensive and now it was on sale whoop whoop and now I am broke :0

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I also bought a Selena Gomez album – so I feel like a 13 year old girl that constantly wants to sing into her hairbrush – its light and its fluffy and its fun – and that is white I need right now

So I am getting a bit tubby. Not even exaggerating here- jeans feeling tight and boobs growing, getting tubby. Its because I don’t go to gym daily anymore and because of the recent binging and purging. Bulimia is such a bitch – I mean seriously, she tries to convince you that you can purge the calories, but when you having gluttonous binges, there is no way you getting rid of all that food. So ironically, contrary to popular belief, you are not skinny if you have an eating disorder. I actually am at my heaviest when I indulge in destructive bulimic habits, when I restrict I’m obviously thinner, and at my goal weight and then I am healthy I am at my set point weight. I think recovery is about accepting your set point weight. The weight where your body is healthy and comfortable.

Health first…weight second

I’ve literally had half a bottle of wine all by myself…

So I’m a little anxious of course.

I did however eat all my meals today and I made myself a salmon salad for dinner and then I polished off half a slab of 99% Lindt dark chocolate. Yes I am that person, that has a whole slab of dark chocolate. And thats ok. I also then had a bowl of muesli and thats ok too.

Be kind to yourself Danielle, be kind.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.