Thank you for trusting me – Day 19

FullSizeRender.jpg

Since I was a little girl I have been free to be whoever I want to be. My parents have never told me who to be, how to act or what I should be doing with my life.

The result of this has been that I have been able to make my own mistakes and I have made so many mistakes and I have learned so many life lessons.

I was allowed to dye my hair pink, take art instead of maths, get married to someone they didn’t approve of 100%, drop out of studying psychology, travelled to Israel by myself and camped alone in a foreign country. I’ve started my own business and I’ve got tattoos, I’ve been broke and I’ve had money.

All because they trusted me to make my own decisions.

And there are times that I wish things were a lot more simple, but things could have been so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I am so fortunate to have this life that I have, and to live this life and I honestly wouldnt change it for anything in the world!

So much love for these kids – Day 22

floyd-reese-quote-i-was-ready-to-commit-suicide-then-the-next-thing-i

Back to the city this afternoon.

My best friends bought me 3 journals for a going away gift for my trip 🙂

We all had dinner and danced on the tables and drank too much.

I am going to miss them so much. I drove out the drive way and I missed them already. I was down the road and they texted me they miss me already.

So grateful.

I know I have fucked up a lot, but I did something right!

Depression is a liar – Day 20

vox-share__38_.0.png

When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

Birthday girl – Day 15

FullSizeRender.jpg
26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.

Side note – Day 2

FullSizeRender

My brothers dog went to the parlour and looks so cute and white and fluffy like snowy from tin tin haha

Also, remember that guy Rick. The one I had the magical 6 hour date with that then decided I was crazy? And no matter how lustrous and desirable the relationship seemed, he didn’t think it would last?

Well we have been chatting and he wants to go out when I am back. I am excited, we have been chatting every day since Sunday. In a way I feel like saying ‘fuck off’ but I actually do think he is great and I am willing to give it another shot.

We are all entitled to our own views and opinions, but you do not have the right to make shit up about people and then oppress them with the shit you made up- Day 25

large.jpg

So calling my husband for his birthday yesterday was an epic fail. Whilst I felt content about our relationship. He felt the opposite.

So since yesterday afternoon I have been bombarded with mail and been called the following – notice that all this name calling is coming from someone who is not emotionally abusive, instead very loving and caring:

You ruined my birthday by calling me. You have put me into a dark depression. You are a liar and a user and you will be exposed for who you truly are.You are a coward.You are mentally ill You’ve been playing the innocent victim to your friends and family. You developed an interest in someone else and discarded me to pursue this interest. I’m not saying you cheated on me. You lived a double life Danielle there are things I know about that you do not know I know about. Danielle people are going to see your true colours in time. You are very ill. You are damaged. I feel deeply deeply sorry for whoever suffers from your cruelty. I sincerely feel sorry for any honest decent human being that experiences the pain your evil causes. They deserve my love – not you. I feel desperately sorry for the poor person that falls in love with your emptiness.

I don’t care what is going on in your life, you don’t speak to people in this manner. No one has the right to think they know anyone better than they know themselves. No one has the right to treat people this way.

Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

quote-i-m-too-busy-acting-like-i-m-not-naive-i-ve-seen-it-all-i-was-here-first-kurt-cobain-39027

I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

Bliss – Day 19, 20, 21, 22

IMG_3984

The view is stunning.

We take long walks on the beach and share ice cream.

We cook dinner over a glass of wine.

He sleeps soundly on the couch.

We stare into each others.

We hold hands and kiss and explore.

Slight anxiety because I never want this holiday to end.

I want to stay locked in the haze with him.

Meh – Day 14

giphy.gif

You can’t keep coming back and pretending that nothing has changed. He put so much pressure on the relationship when he booked a holiday for us, when he phoned me every day, when he texted me ever day.

You cant just decide to call me when its convenient. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be around me when they have time, I want to be with someone who makes time for me.

I’m not speaking to guys anymore, I can keep doing this, its causing me way too much drama.

I am really not feeling comfortable and like I am in a good place. I know I’m taking myself too serious and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be a so called ‘player’ and string guys along, its so incredibly exhausting! I want to go back to sitting on my yoga mat and writing and bettering my soul and myself.

So this morning I woke up and lay in bed contemplating whether I should go to work or not! Then my friend texted me and she was home for the day booked off for sick leave and said I can come hang out if I like, I got us croissants and we spent the morning chatting and watching Girls. I went to work from 14h00 – 15h00 and then did some shopping and took a nap.

Feeling so bleh today.

Just feel like taking a nap all the time.

Going out with my friend Andrew this evening to a school thing.

Hello FUTURE – Day 25

Lonely girl with suitcase at country road dreaming about travel.

Things at work are now ironically going really well. I think because I cleared the air with my boss, everything sis running much smoother and I feel we have our friendship back. She is trying to put me on a guilt trip as she keeps mentioning that I am leaving.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on next year. Where I would like to go and what I want to get out of it. What my goals go and so on. I think I need this, I think I really really need this.