Lets skip the charades – Day 3

self-esteem

So I had that talk with him, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I couldn’t keep living in limbo so I just went ahead and I asked. I had to, eventually so much resentment would build up and anxiety would take over if I didn’t. Then I would binge and spiral and I’m actually doing quite well – Ok lies, I binged and purged yesterday (you see how natural it becomes that you eventually forget when you engage in disruptive behaviours, they just part of your routine.

So I just keep on acting like I’m so strong and he keeps acting like nothings wrong. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

This is what it boils down to…

He isn’t ready to commit 100% to a relationship. I am kind of I think – maybe I’m not 100% ready, but I willing to give it a shot. I’m willing to try. I completely understand where he is coming from, the day he met he was fresh in breaking up with his girlfriend, his best friend had died and he is moving to New York City? I totally get it, its totally understandable. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings a little bit.

Never the less I am happy that we could be so open and honest with each other – it feels like such an incredibly mature relationship, and it was great speaking. I’m so used having someone shout at me and tell me that I am delusional – that I actually enjoyed the conversation because for the first time in years my partner actually cared what my point of view was.

I’m taking a step back.

This is never going to go my way if I try and control it.

Stepping back, focusing on me again.

Hello FUTURE – Day 25

Lonely girl with suitcase at country road dreaming about travel.

Things at work are now ironically going really well. I think because I cleared the air with my boss, everything sis running much smoother and I feel we have our friendship back. She is trying to put me on a guilt trip as she keeps mentioning that I am leaving.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on next year. Where I would like to go and what I want to get out of it. What my goals go and so on. I think I need this, I think I really really need this.