It was so hard saying bye to A.
It’s funny, it all started as friends, then there were benefits and now I find myself in love, spending time with him every day. Meeting all the family and friends, making plans with him.
I’m starting to get so attached that its hard spending one night apart.
If you told me a year ago that I would be this happy right now. I wouldn’t have believed you.
I knew I would recover from the divorce and the eating disorder. That I would adapt to living alone in a tiny apartment, that I would love myself, that I would love again and start new relationships. I knew it would happen. But at the same time there were times where I felt paralysed in the pain and stuck and I felt scared.
I knew I would never be the innocent girl I was. I knew my views would change and that life would be different. I got divorced at 25, was accused of having affairs, harassed and slandered. Things were never going to be the same again and I was never going to be as carefree and as naive. I knew things would be different.
What I didn’t know was; That things would be so much better.
That I would grow so much. That I would know myself better than ever and that my relationships with friends and family would become so much more meaningful and magical. That I would be confident enough to start my own business and be excited about the future.
And never would I have thought I would be in a relationship. I knew it would happen, but I could never have imagined this.
There are of course moments of insecurity and fear, but the belief and confidence and drive that I have gained is incredible.
I never imagined that it would be so much better…
So much more magical than it was…
And so much more magical than I could ever have imagined.
If you make me choose, I won’t choose you.
I’ve been here before. Last year when I dated N it was the exact same story. My two best friends – the couple that is getting married gave me so much slack about dating. And it’s happening again because of A.
Up to the point that I wasn’t allowed to bring him to the wedding even and then I begged and they gave in. Now he however can’t sit on my table because the main table has eight people and it cant have nine people? So imagine you go to a wedding with your girlfriend and you cant even sit on her table. Yes, I know its their wedding, but it isn’t their crowning of king and queen.
So here I am, asking my best friend if my boyfriend can sit on my table.
‘All I’m asking is for the man I am falling in love with to sit with me. But the thing is that you wouldn’t know this. Because you don’t ask. You don’t ask how he is and you don’t ask how we are and how was my weekend. All you ask is, how far your free bridesmaids dresses are? And then you get upset because they aren’t finished.’
I haven’t been alone in such a long time. I am either with friends or with A or I am working and I am too exhausted to write. Tonight is perfect. Me, my notebook, laptop and wine.
Ending the chapter with you is my favorite way…
It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.
I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.
But we have to keep on moving on and on…
I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.
This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.
Woke up this morning with A and it was beautiful. I feel so calm with him, so at peace and so happy.
We made love, slowly and passionately and it was magical.
I love lying with him, just lying with him. We don’t even have to say anything or do anything, just lying in his arms feeling his skin and the way he gently kisses my forehead and plays with my hair.