It was so hard saying bye to A.
It’s funny, it all started as friends, then there were benefits and now I find myself in love, spending time with him every day. Meeting all the family and friends, making plans with him.
I’m starting to get so attached that its hard spending one night apart.
If you told me a year ago that I would be this happy right now. I wouldn’t have believed you.
I knew I would recover from the divorce and the eating disorder. That I would adapt to living alone in a tiny apartment, that I would love myself, that I would love again and start new relationships. I knew it would happen. But at the same time there were times where I felt paralysed in the pain and stuck and I felt scared.
I knew I would never be the innocent girl I was. I knew my views would change and that life would be different. I got divorced at 25, was accused of having affairs, harassed and slandered. Things were never going to be the same again and I was never going to be as carefree and as naive. I knew things would be different.
What I didn’t know was; That things would be so much better.
That I would grow so much. That I would know myself better than ever and that my relationships with friends and family would become so much more meaningful and magical. That I would be confident enough to start my own business and be excited about the future.
And never would I have thought I would be in a relationship. I knew it would happen, but I could never have imagined this.
There are of course moments of insecurity and fear, but the belief and confidence and drive that I have gained is incredible.
I never imagined that it would be so much better…
So much more magical than it was…
And so much more magical than I could ever have imagined.
If you make me choose, I won’t choose you.
I’ve been here before. Last year when I dated N it was the exact same story. My two best friends – the couple that is getting married gave me so much slack about dating. And it’s happening again because of A.
Up to the point that I wasn’t allowed to bring him to the wedding even and then I begged and they gave in. Now he however can’t sit on my table because the main table has eight people and it cant have nine people? So imagine you go to a wedding with your girlfriend and you cant even sit on her table. Yes, I know its their wedding, but it isn’t their crowning of king and queen.
So here I am, asking my best friend if my boyfriend can sit on my table.
‘All I’m asking is for the man I am falling in love with to sit with me. But the thing is that you wouldn’t know this. Because you don’t ask. You don’t ask how he is and you don’t ask how we are and how was my weekend. All you ask is, how far your free bridesmaids dresses are? And then you get upset because they aren’t finished.’
I haven’t been alone in such a long time. I am either with friends or with A or I am working and I am too exhausted to write. Tonight is perfect. Me, my notebook, laptop and wine.
Ending the chapter with you is my favorite way…
It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.
I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.
But we have to keep on moving on and on…
I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.
This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.
Woke up this morning with A and it was beautiful. I feel so calm with him, so at peace and so happy.
We made love, slowly and passionately and it was magical.
I love lying with him, just lying with him. We don’t even have to say anything or do anything, just lying in his arms feeling his skin and the way he gently kisses my forehead and plays with my hair.
Tonight is the first night that I am spending at my flat, I have been at A’s house and my friends house and then at my parents. Tonight I am home and it feels so amazing, in bed writing with my candles lit and listening to music.
I honestly cannot believe where I am. The way my life has changed.
The person I am today and the person I was a year ago. How this past year has shaped my life in so many ways. The divorce and the bulimia and the depression. Having my whole life uprooted.
If I stop to think about it, if I really pause, tears come to my eyes. I am so incredibly lucky and fortunate.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life but I wouldn’t change a thing. All the pain and the heartache, I will never for one second wish that things were different.
I have grown so much. I am so proud of the woman I have become.
I don’t care if people judge the divorce, the eating disorder and the depression. I don’t care if I seem weak because i needed therapy, because I needed medication and I don’t care if someone says I should toughen up and get over the eating disorder.
I am so fucking proud of myself.
I am so fucking proud of my struggle!
A and I went for a drive around the farm on the jeep and had so much fun. I assured him that if we opened the one gate and went through it, the cattle would not walk throughout the gate because we would be quick. Not one cow, but two cows ran through the gate into the other camp. We herder them back, A riding the jeep and me trying to herd the cows on foot. Laughing so much that we had tears in our eyes. By the time we got the cattle throughout the gate, there was the most beautiful sunset and we drove home watching the sunset. Laughing at ourself and repeating the story. Kissing so every often and smiling with our jaws wide.
I still don’t know the status between the two of us.
I guess I’m just waiting for the day for him to ask me and to assure me, because I know he has the heart. I guess I really am hoping that he will stay with me and he will tell me that he has loved me all this time.
Home is where the heart is.
So many mixed emotions. A picked me up at the airport and it was lovely, we hugged and kissed and he kept grabbing my ass – because it is massive.
It feel lovely to be back home, the accent, the people, the friendliness, the fact that everything is so incredibly cheap compared to Israel. No one walking around with an army uniform and a gun. And everyone speaks english and I can actually read the alphabet!
A’s mom cooked an amazing welcome home lunch for which was so incredibly sweet. It was homely being back in their home again. I ate so much at lunch because, it was so delicious, so amazing to eat something other than pita and hummus and falafel and my staple diet of peanut butter sandwiches.
I slept most of the afternoon in A’s arms because I was exhausted from the flight and we made love and watched movies in bed for hours. It was lovely.
I will admit, that it is strange being back home with him, it is amazing, but it is strange, as if we need to get used to each other again and get comfortable again.