In my heart and in my head, I’ll never take back the things I said – Day 6

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I couldn’t save us, we were build on shaky ground all along. Its as if we build ourselves up just to break us down and now I could literally build a city with all the stones they threw at me.

I couldn’t save us and I think if I could have reached him and pulled him from the dark and I could build us up again…I wouldn’t have.

With all the heartache and the pain. With all the words we exchanged – I wouldn’t take it back.

Happy Birthday 25daysofdivorce – Day 25

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My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂

I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.

How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.

In the past year:

Got divorced,

Moved into my own flat,

Quit my job,

Started dating,

Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,

Backpacked through Israel solo,

Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,

Started a business

Blogged every day for a year

And probably a whole lot more 😉

I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂

I guess I should be proud – Day 1 PART 11

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Can’t believe its part 11 already.

I guess I should be proud of how far I have come and where I am in life. Things could have been so different.

I chose self preservation over being emotionally neglected and miserable in a marriage that was toxic. I got divorced and uprooted my whole life. Everything is different now. Everything.

I hardly recognise the girl I was last year this time. And I hardly recognise the situation and the trauma as my own. I often forget about it all.

Then it comes in bouts and waves and reminds me, and the feelings return for a moment.

Sometimes I forget it but its still there, and I guess the feelings will remain for a while still…

Friends – Day 9

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I haven’t seen my two best friends since their wedding. We keep making plans and then one of us are unable to make it.

To be completely honest, I haven’t particularly put in much effort.

Things have just never been the same since I came back from Israel and since they planned the wedding.

She became bridezilla and I didn’t appreciate the way she treated me while I was making her dress. The two of them have said that I chose A over them and she has never been particularly open armed with him. Then they told me that they saved my life – which pissed me off. Because they helped me so much through my divorce which I will always appreciate, I just really didn’t expect them to say ‘we saved your life’. That was a bit upsetting because now I feel like I have to repay them or something.

And now…

I just don’t have the desire to even see them and this is worrying.

Good bye my loves – Day 9 

  
Tonight Milou and Alon kidnapped me from the hostel and took me to their house for a quiet dinner. 

Quiet? Yeah right. 

We are Dutch pancakes, sang and played cards. Drank wine and listened to African music and spoke about our hometowns. 

3 different nationalities. 3 different cultures. 3 different languages. 

But we were one. 

No matter where we are from or who we are. We live in the same world. This beautiful, sick, twisted world and we all share one thing- emotion. 

We all love. 

We all cry. 

We are all one 

Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.

Taking back Christmas – Day 16

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My brothers girlfriend is  visiting and she is wonderful.

A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.

All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.

This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.

I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.

Birthday girl – Day 15

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26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.

I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.

My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.

My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.

I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.

I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.

I’m not alone and I’ll never be.