God alone knows what Chapter or Day we’re on? But A special thank you to you all

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HI 🙂

Its me…

Thanks to everyone who still follows and thank you to the new followers that I have gained during my absence – Its been 3 months.

I’ve started a blog for my business and it would mean the world to me if all my loyal followers could check it out 🙂

NEW BLOG FOR THE BUSINESS

You guys have been with me through it all. Through the divorce and the eating disorder and when I decided to start the business. Through this blog I have received so much help with my anxiety especially with everyones comments and posts about their own struggles. I really hope that you will all continue to keep following me on this journey 🙂

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Update:

A, my boyfriend, for those of you who forgot haha – came home with me to my family for Christmas and it was so wonderful. We’re still together and its been a year guys 🙂 and I fall more and more in love with him even day – I know how cliche that sounds, but its true.

My business is doing well 🙂

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It feels like things are going slowly – but they actually aren’t if I look back. If I look back to 3 months ago when I did my last post a lot has happened. And it seems like my business has actually just grown overnight.

  1. I’ve moved into a new studio and its marvelous
  2. I got into my first store – and thats why I have been so quiet. I had to design an A/W collection and send all the samples for review and then they liked me 🙂 so I am supplying them for winter for my winter collection. Which is huge because this store holds a lot of the top designers in the country, SA, and to showcase my clothing alongside them is such a blessing.
  3. I’ve become a huge advocate for the fashion revolution and I’m the official face of the Fashion Revolution at Fashion Week SA which is in a weeks time – this is so super exciting!
  4. My brother got married and I made my sister in laws dress and she looked absolutely stunning 🙂

Thats about it 🙂 and my hair os blonde now and I still struggle with food and have been to the gym about 5 times this year…eeek

I promise to try my best to post more regularly!

 

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In my heart and in my head, I’ll never take back the things I said – Day 6

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I couldn’t save us, we were build on shaky ground all along. Its as if we build ourselves up just to break us down and now I could literally build a city with all the stones they threw at me.

I couldn’t save us and I think if I could have reached him and pulled him from the dark and I could build us up again…I wouldn’t have.

With all the heartache and the pain. With all the words we exchanged – I wouldn’t take it back.

Thank you for trusting me – Day 19

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Since I was a little girl I have been free to be whoever I want to be. My parents have never told me who to be, how to act or what I should be doing with my life.

The result of this has been that I have been able to make my own mistakes and I have made so many mistakes and I have learned so many life lessons.

I was allowed to dye my hair pink, take art instead of maths, get married to someone they didn’t approve of 100%, drop out of studying psychology, travelled to Israel by myself and camped alone in a foreign country. I’ve started my own business and I’ve got tattoos, I’ve been broke and I’ve had money.

All because they trusted me to make my own decisions.

And there are times that I wish things were a lot more simple, but things could have been so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I am so fortunate to have this life that I have, and to live this life and I honestly wouldnt change it for anything in the world!

I guess I should be proud – Day 1 PART 11

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Can’t believe its part 11 already.

I guess I should be proud of how far I have come and where I am in life. Things could have been so different.

I chose self preservation over being emotionally neglected and miserable in a marriage that was toxic. I got divorced and uprooted my whole life. Everything is different now. Everything.

I hardly recognise the girl I was last year this time. And I hardly recognise the situation and the trauma as my own. I often forget about it all.

Then it comes in bouts and waves and reminds me, and the feelings return for a moment.

Sometimes I forget it but its still there, and I guess the feelings will remain for a while still…

Grateful – Day 10

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If you told me a year ago that I would be this happy right now. I wouldn’t have believed you.

I knew I would recover from the divorce and the eating disorder. That I would adapt to living alone in a tiny apartment, that I would love myself, that I would love again and start new relationships. I knew it would happen. But at the same time there were times where I felt paralysed in the pain and stuck and I felt scared.

I knew I would never be the innocent girl I was. I knew my views would change and that life would be different. I got divorced at 25, was accused of having affairs, harassed and slandered. Things were never going to be the same again and I was never going to be as carefree and as naive. I knew things would be different.

What I didn’t know was; That things would be so much better.

That I would grow so much. That I would know myself better than ever and that my relationships with friends and family would become so much more meaningful and magical. That I would be confident enough to start my own business and be excited about the future.

And never would I have thought I would be in a relationship. I knew it would happen, but I could never have imagined this.

There are of course moments of insecurity and fear, but the belief and confidence and drive that I have gained is incredible.

I never imagined that it would be so much better…

So much more magical than it was…

And so much more magical than I could ever have imagined.

Only 3 weeks to go – Day 5

I cannot believe that I have exactly 3 weeks left in Israel.

This past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, I have been all over the place emotionally, my eating disorder has made many appearances that have left me numb. Suicidal thoughts and depression snuck up on me with no warning. I miss my family and friends, at times it was unbearable.

I have walked hundreds of kilometers, eaten hummus to my hearts content and met people from all walks of love. I’ve blown my nose with a piece of paper from my notebook in order to save toilet paper. I have become friends with people who have the kindest souls. Minefields and waterfalls, I’ve lugged my backpack along the Jordan river and I’ve managed with two outfits and no make up 🙂

It’s been an experience of a life time.

I am so grateful for this opportunity and I am so proud of myself for hanging in there when the times got rough!

Next stop…

The desert

I forgive you – Day 6

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My ex husband messaged this morning that he is sorry and emailed this…

Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made.

I can now see how depressed you were because you used to talk about the past a lot before you left, and you were also anxious about the future because you thought I would abandon you for my work etc. I for my part just drowned out both my depression and anxiety and when I wasn’t doing that I was also stuck in the past and worried about our future together. My hope for you is that you enjoy the present (it seems like you are) and that you have wonderful experiences without feeling depressed or anxious. It’s been really tough acknowledging to myself just how depressed and anxious I was, and it’s easier said than done living in the present. I try really hard to focus on the present but my mind often wonders to he past and this makes me anxious.

My love for you is pure and sincere -I know it may seem irrational to some but I want to know that I support you and your dreams. I don’t want you to get hurt but at the same time I realise that getting hurt is part of learning. I don’t want to let you go and yet I realise that letting you go is the only way I will heal.

Please feel these words: if you don’t feel good when you read them please read them over and over and over until you do.

You are a stunning person Danielle. Your friends and family adore you, and your warmth makes everyone around you feel joy. You are incredibly gifted, both intellectually and creatively. You radiate amazing beauty. There is simply nobody in this world like you. If I was religious I would have believed that you were chosen.

Danielle you are the closest thing to happiness that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Not as a respite from the pain, but rather as someone who has the unique ability to soothe me into the moment. Like me you are grappling with who you are, and we will both heal. Healing will take away the depression and anxiety we both felt while while we were together. You were my best friend and losing you has been extraordinarily painful and sad. Still, I know that I am not able to help you on this part of your journey to your authentic self. This is why I will feel the pain and sadness. I want you to be as happy as you make other people happy. You deserve this more than anyone else.

Your authentic self is, in my humble and naive opinion, love and joy.

Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.