Thanks to everyone who still follows and thank you to the new followers that I have gained during my absence – Its been 3 months.
I’ve started a blog for my business and it would mean the world to me if all my loyal followers could check it out 🙂
NEW BLOG FOR THE BUSINESS
You guys have been with me through it all. Through the divorce and the eating disorder and when I decided to start the business. Through this blog I have received so much help with my anxiety especially with everyones comments and posts about their own struggles. I really hope that you will all continue to keep following me on this journey 🙂
A, my boyfriend, for those of you who forgot haha – came home with me to my family for Christmas and it was so wonderful. We’re still together and its been a year guys 🙂 and I fall more and more in love with him even day – I know how cliche that sounds, but its true.
My business is doing well 🙂
It feels like things are going slowly – but they actually aren’t if I look back. If I look back to 3 months ago when I did my last post a lot has happened. And it seems like my business has actually just grown overnight.
- I’ve moved into a new studio and its marvelous
- I got into my first store – and thats why I have been so quiet. I had to design an A/W collection and send all the samples for review and then they liked me 🙂 so I am supplying them for winter for my winter collection. Which is huge because this store holds a lot of the top designers in the country, SA, and to showcase my clothing alongside them is such a blessing.
- I’ve become a huge advocate for the fashion revolution and I’m the official face of the Fashion Revolution at Fashion Week SA which is in a weeks time – this is so super exciting!
- My brother got married and I made my sister in laws dress and she looked absolutely stunning 🙂
Thats about it 🙂 and my hair os blonde now and I still struggle with food and have been to the gym about 5 times this year…eeek
I promise to try my best to post more regularly!
I couldn’t save us, we were build on shaky ground all along. Its as if we build ourselves up just to break us down and now I could literally build a city with all the stones they threw at me.
I couldn’t save us and I think if I could have reached him and pulled him from the dark and I could build us up again…I wouldn’t have.
With all the heartache and the pain. With all the words we exchanged – I wouldn’t take it back.
My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂
I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.
How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.
In the past year:
Moved into my own flat,
Quit my job,
Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,
Backpacked through Israel solo,
Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,
Started a business
Blogged every day for a year
And probably a whole lot more 😉
I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂
Israel feels like a lifetime ago
The minute you stop worrying and stop panicking. The universe just steps in and takes over.
I was so busy trying not to make this trip a big deal that I stopped just letting it be and having fun.
So today was so much better! I watched so much tv and didn’t even care – usually I’m like ‘oh no, don’t watch tv, climb a mountain’ well I just really didn’t feel like climbing a mountain today so I begged on the couch after my shift!
And you know what! It was chilled and I actually enjoyed it.
Just stop giving so much of a fuck Danielle!!!
My ex husband messaged this morning that he is sorry and emailed this…
Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made.
I can now see how depressed you were because you used to talk about the past a lot before you left, and you were also anxious about the future because you thought I would abandon you for my work etc. I for my part just drowned out both my depression and anxiety and when I wasn’t doing that I was also stuck in the past and worried about our future together. My hope for you is that you enjoy the present (it seems like you are) and that you have wonderful experiences without feeling depressed or anxious. It’s been really tough acknowledging to myself just how depressed and anxious I was, and it’s easier said than done living in the present. I try really hard to focus on the present but my mind often wonders to he past and this makes me anxious.
My love for you is pure and sincere -I know it may seem irrational to some but I want to know that I support you and your dreams. I don’t want you to get hurt but at the same time I realise that getting hurt is part of learning. I don’t want to let you go and yet I realise that letting you go is the only way I will heal.
Please feel these words: if you don’t feel good when you read them please read them over and over and over until you do.
You are a stunning person Danielle. Your friends and family adore you, and your warmth makes everyone around you feel joy. You are incredibly gifted, both intellectually and creatively. You radiate amazing beauty. There is simply nobody in this world like you. If I was religious I would have believed that you were chosen.
Danielle you are the closest thing to happiness that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Not as a respite from the pain, but rather as someone who has the unique ability to soothe me into the moment. Like me you are grappling with who you are, and we will both heal. Healing will take away the depression and anxiety we both felt while while we were together. You were my best friend and losing you has been extraordinarily painful and sad. Still, I know that I am not able to help you on this part of your journey to your authentic self. This is why I will feel the pain and sadness. I want you to be as happy as you make other people happy. You deserve this more than anyone else.
Your authentic self is, in my humble and naive opinion, love and joy.
I’m the lucky one. The pretty one. The favourite one.
This is what my ex husband thought of me and my family, I was the lucky one and my sister was the underdog. My brother and I were lucky, we fitted in, we were closer to my parents and we were closer to each other. C was the outcast he said, she was the underdog. Perhaps that is why he was always so fond of her.
It must have been incredibly difficult for my parents raising C and it must of been incredibly difficult for C to grow up in our family. ‘You don’t understand how hard it must have been for her when you came along. You the little princess.’
When I was a teenager I always wanted to be like her. She was thin and she was beautiful. She wasn’t sticking her finger down her throat, she wasn’t cutting herself. She was always incredibly loving, a mother by nature, she was a caretaker. She got married a virgin.
Of course she rebelled, she rebelled the most out of us the three of us children. She was flawed, but she was herself and she was perfect to me. I wanted to be just like her once a upon a time.
She was the lucky one. She was the pretty one. She was the favourite one.
Thats how I saw it when we were growing up. Yes my brother and I are closer. I’m the princess, I am. I’m the firecracker and the risk taker and most say I am the favourite and the pretty one. I’m different and I’m a good listener and liberal and supportive. Does it matter? She’s pretty, she has set values, she’s the most wonderful mother. She is smart and she is driven. She is the one that is filled with love all around. She is happy and she is funny. She is a role model. She is kind and she puts family above all.
It doesn’t matter what we are or who we are. We are sisters. It never was and it never will be a competition. It doesn’t matter.
We are who we are.
We are the lucky ones.
When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.
Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.
Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.
26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.
I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.
My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.
My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.
I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.
I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.
I’m not alone and I’ll never be.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.