Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

When your job resembles your failed marriage – Day 11

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How much fun is this…woke up and got paid my old salary. Had to give my boss a lift to work (yes my boss gets rides with me every now and then and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds), sat driving and she was chatting away and I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.

I thought not to bring it all up while I was literally fuming. I felt the need to calm down and not get anxious and emotional and then make things even worse!

As the day progressed it did get worse. Then I wanted to start screaming and punching walls I was so annoyed. She texted me constantly about really stupid crap that we have discussed numerous times. She always sends me about 15 messages in a row and contradicts herself in all of them and changes her mind in every single one of them – so I always ignore them and then eventually read them when I have the strength to decode what she is trying to say.

She told me today that I often don’t follow through with projects – which is true, I am an absolute starter and not a finisher, I have to put in a conscious effort to finish. So I wasn’t even offended by this, I was incredibly pissed off however because twice now we have scheduled a meeting and she has conveniently ‘forgotten’ and then there is my tax situation that she has been sorting out for literally two years now. Then there is the cell phone allowance and the fuel allowance that she also conveniently ‘forgets’ to pay.

Of course there are the empty promises…

I have not started my handbag line because it keeps getting put on hold. I have not received my raise that was for the end of September? I am still not receiving my cell phone and fuel allowance so there goes my money spent on growing her fucking business! Oh and then there is the fact that I would become partner in the business – next minute – she says ‘you know the business has no money so there really isn’t much point in even becoming partner’ – WELL thats comforting…

So I am paying to work for her. I honestly feel that I am not growing. I am stagnating like old water that you forget in your car because it rolled under the seat. Sadly I am so loyal to her – I love her and I love the brand, I am however not loyal to myself…because I am choosing her over me.

Sooo….

For the past week or so I have spontaneously been looking out for new jobs every now and then and then today shit got real. I stalked the internet for job vacancies and I will be doing so tomorrow as well.

This is so bold…

On Monday I want to hand in my four weeks notice ‘fml, way to cause myself an anxiety attack’. Is this the most responsible thing to do? Well no not at all, you cant leave a job into unemployment thats just silly. I however cannot sit in another situation where someone I love gets put before me and when that particular person and I start to destroy our relationship and destroy each other as people all because we didn’t know how to call it quits. We have the same arguments and the same fights over and over again. She is not going to fulfil her empty promises and I am not going to ever be ok with that and I have lost all motivation and feel that I don’t have the strength to carry on and that is unfair to her and to the business.

This is the year of risks…

It is also the year of being fearless and just saying Fuck it – whats the worst that could happen. If I dont get a job I will start my handbag collection. Literally sell my wedding rings and they will give birth to my own handbag collection. And if that takes off then fantastic and if that fails – then I will work for my aunt or someone or I will start waitressing or something and that will not be the end of the world. The end of the world is fucking stagnating.

I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul.

I know things get rough, but when they get rough and you cant climb your way out of the roughness then its time to get up and walk away. I am not ever going to work and work and work myself to the bone to keep something going when I know that in my heart it is over.

Mark my words – I will survive off the knuckles of my fingers if need be – but I will not stagnate!

On a fun note – I got so fed up with work that I left at 3pm and then I went to buy a smoothie maker and then came home at 5pm and had wine and made dinner and now I am in bed already at 7pm and I will fall asleep shortly and tomorrow will be lovely.

Good night xxx

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

PART II because today 10 October is mental health awareness day – Day 17

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Recognise that an eating disorder is a mental illness.

Recognise that depression is a flaw in chemistry not a flaw in character.

Recognise that things effect different people in different ways, just because you don’t see something as a big deal, doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else.

Recognise that just because something is happening in your mind and your thoughts that it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.

Recognise that making jokes about mental illness is painful, you wouldn’t make a joke about someone who is diabetic or has heart problems would you? Mental illness is a disease.

Recognise that you cant fix or save anyone, you can only be there and be supportive.

Recognise that mental illness is not attention seeking behaviour.

Recognise that just because you don’t fit the profile in the DSM that your illness isn’t valid, mental illness comes in all forms.

Recognise that you are not alone and that even though it doesn’t feel that way, there is someone who understands and is willing to help.

Recognise that you are worthy of love.

Recognise that asking for help and admitting that you are not ok is not a sign of weakness.

Recognise that metal illness awareness is still on the rise and there are still many people who are ignorant and don’t take their words too personally no matter how hurtful they are.

Recognise that you are not your mental illness.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

Perfectly lonely – Day 5

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I felt so blank today.

I look forward to being constant again and climbing off this roller coaster. Its so up and down, I find it incredibly annoying. Maybe being constant is boring, but right now I could do with boring. I go from happy to sad at the drop of a pin. So bipolar.

At home having a glass of wine and sitting on my floor and writing and and listening to music. I don’t know what it is about me and floors – but I always find myself sitting on the floor. I feel so content right now. In my room/house, with my delicious wine, in my incredible pyjamas that have stars on them *** and listening to music. In my own company. It could be the wine and it could also be the Lindt chocolates I ate for dinner, maybe the sugar rush has kicked in. There is however one thing missing – GOOD WIFI!

I have realised that I am actually perfectly lonely and I enjoy nights like these were its just me and my music and my thoughts. I actually look forward to them and I have actually turned down invites just so I can have relaxed chilled evenings.

Work was good, it was busy and exciting and a tad stressful. The girl that worked in our store has left so my boss and I will be picking up the pieces of the store – this happens at least two to three times a year, its absolutely ridiculous, no one in the fashion industry seems to be able to keep a retail job for longer than 6 months.

I bought this fantastic hat today!

Hmmm I might have to get some more wine.

When you gonna love you as much as I do – Day 3

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My mom and dad are here and its my uncles wedding and it was wonderful!

I had a long heart to heart with my mum and I am feeling so much better now. I think I was living in lahlah land for a while when they were gone. Then when they got back from Paris I had to discuss lawyers again and divorce and therapy and I think I just felt vulnerable again.

While they were gone I tried to convince myself that I was doing really well because I had to. I find it hard to just open up and speak to my friends about everything, they support me with the divorce and they are incredible, but my parents are really the only two people I am completely comfortable opening up to about my eating disorder. So when they got back I just crumbled again.

Strangely its not even about my husband anymore.

It’s now become a soul searching journey. It’s about me. I cry because I am sad about the eating disorder and the medication and the therapy. It makes me sad that I am on medication – I try to not let it get to me but it does. When I skipped a few days and it effected me I felt sad. I guess I just wish I was strong enough to have to use the therapy and medication as help. Which is ridiculous because I am going through something so challenging so I deserve the help.
I know its just my husbands voice in my head telling me that I am weak. He loved to tell me to toughen up.

I guess its a constant effort to love ourselves and be in love with ourselves. I honestly don’t think it comes naturally to any of us. Its a work in progress, day to day and second to second we make ourselves number one and we follow our hearts. It will become easier as times goes by as you become stronger. I mean 6 months ago I would never have been able to stand up for myself, or make up my mind, or love me. Now I work at it daily. Its hard and its raw and its grey and its sometimes so challenging, but I keep trying.

The picture is of my dad and I on our way to my wedding 🙂 I love it so much! I’m however not ready to show face yet lol

PART II – Day 1

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Why do we crucify ourselves?

My heart is sick of being in chains.

Part II was supposed to start off on such a positive note. Instead it started with binge purge in the morning, 8km run, and then a nap.

I’ve wanted to leave this life. No, I don’t want to die, but I definitely wouldn’t mind leaving for a while. Today I had an awful morning and then I had brunch and it was lovely and then it was awful. I hid out today. I hid from the world today and I stopped feeling today and I gave into the numbness and I gave into the sorrow. The funny thing about sorrow (not that there is anything funny about sorrow), is that it doesn’t always wear the mask that you expect it to. It isn’t always lying on the floor crying and it isn’t always feeling depressed – sometimes sorrow is staring for two hours and being blank and sometimes its distraction of any form.

Today it was binge and purge. Today it was my dark side, and I remained there all day. Today I was numb and I didn’t care. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck about life at all. SHOCK! HORROR! People think I am incredibly strong and resilient and wise and positive – well yes I am resilient. But I also have a very negative side to me – my dark side, and no one will ever take me away from my dark side. We all have that side, some darker than others. And don’t think because you have not seen someones dark side that they don’t have one – oh trust me they do. We all do. My gran used to call it the little devil on your shoulder. Thats your little dark side that crucifies you. Literally, it turns the lights off.

Your dark side sits and criticises you until you are stripped bare. The dark side makes you feel so much hurt that your heart feels it is going to explode and that dark side also makes you feel nothing. When you are so broken and you force the tears and they don’t come. You hanging out with your dark side my friend.

My dark side and I bonded today. Thoughts of self harm, hatred, depression, regret and all things poison.

Misery is company.

Is it healthy to have days like this? I don’t think so. Days to mourn and days to cry and be sad and days to feel sorry for yourself are necessary. Days where the dark side of depression kicks in and you allow it – I don’t think these days are healthy.

I will honestly try to sit with the dark side next time and feel the thoughts instead of pushing them away. I have to try and learn to live with that dark side and just be present in it. No one deserves to be there.

25 days of divorce – Day 25

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Today is day 25 and if I read through the last 25 posts I am actually really impressed and happy with how far I have come.

Today I signed my divorce settlement.

Today I feel numb, yet sad, yet relieved.

Today I also restricted all day and then binged and purged.

Today I also feel chemically depressed – literally chemically.

Today I am also so grateful to my incredible support team for carrying me through this.

Today also cried because of how fortunate and lucky and loved I am.

Welcome back focus and concentration, i have missed you – Day 24

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I have finally stopped forgetting things, I can actually focus at work for the first time in a while and I am becoming so much more present in every aspect of my life. Today work was actually good and it was exciting and it was busy. For so many months I was unhappy at work because I was panicking so much about money because my husband made me feel guilty every time he spent money on me. Dinner became awkward, speaking about health insurance became awkward and it was obviously not particularly fun being told that he paid for our house. And it was not grey being told that I was a child that needed to be entertained all the time. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this but he literally once told me he feels like he needs to constantly give me a lollipop or something just to keep me preoccupied. And we only saw each other after like 8 at night? So confused, childish little me.

I work for a small business, we growing and there isn’t much money floating around. I however really love my job and I love the people I work with. I know I could potentially work elsewhere and earn double but I know I wont be able to be as creative as I am now and I wont be exposed to so many different aspects of the industry and I wont have so much flexibility. Most importantly I cant imagine working with a more incredible team.

So for the first time in months I am actually just enjoying work and ironically I am going to get a raise this month! Whoohoo! I will still be earning peanuts, but at least a few more peanuts. I obviously have a lot more responsibilities now as I pay my own insurance and will have to pay my own rent soon instead of sharing and then I obviously have to deal with my car that always has some issue and then there are those unexpected expenses like when your stupid phone screen cracks. Also there is the fact that I just love shopping, and I love spending money – it is a huge problem that I seriously need to work on lol, in time.

Anyway, I’m feeling positive. I feel like I will get by, and its nice to not have to worry about someone telling me constantly that they pay for everything. It’s nice to be able to do whatever I want and just spend all my money on myself in any way that I want!

Speaking of money – things are tight at the moment and whenever things get tight I think of selling my wedding rings haha. Its such a big decision though, where do you sell them? You will never get the mount of money that they actually worth and I could melt them down and make a new piece of jewellery but that seams like so much admin right now. So for now they still in a lipstick case in my bed side cupboard. I actually looked at them yesterday and put them on – and I didn’t cry like a baby, I just smiled at how beautiful they are.