Oh come on – Day 18

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My car broke down!

And it cost a fortune to fix it and I of course don’t have any money seeing as I spent my money on galavanting through Israel. So my parents had to help me out and then the voices started:

‘You will never amount to anything, you will never have enough money to pay for things like a real adult.’

‘You will always need someone to bail you out, you are a burden.’

And so on and so forth.

Also a few days ago, A told me that something sounded funny when I start my car and I should be safe and call him if I need help. Well I wanted to call him today but I didn’t. I instead just figured it out and organised the tow truck to collect me and found a mechanic and so on. Because I don’t want any favours from anyone because I feel that if someone helps me out I will have to repay them and I am honestly just not up for that.

My ex husband always made me feel guilty when he helped me out and made me feel that I had to repay him and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling.

Depression is a liar – Day 20

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When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.

Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.

Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.

When your job resembles your failed marriage – Day 11

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How much fun is this…woke up and got paid my old salary. Had to give my boss a lift to work (yes my boss gets rides with me every now and then and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds), sat driving and she was chatting away and I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.

I thought not to bring it all up while I was literally fuming. I felt the need to calm down and not get anxious and emotional and then make things even worse!

As the day progressed it did get worse. Then I wanted to start screaming and punching walls I was so annoyed. She texted me constantly about really stupid crap that we have discussed numerous times. She always sends me about 15 messages in a row and contradicts herself in all of them and changes her mind in every single one of them – so I always ignore them and then eventually read them when I have the strength to decode what she is trying to say.

She told me today that I often don’t follow through with projects – which is true, I am an absolute starter and not a finisher, I have to put in a conscious effort to finish. So I wasn’t even offended by this, I was incredibly pissed off however because twice now we have scheduled a meeting and she has conveniently ‘forgotten’ and then there is my tax situation that she has been sorting out for literally two years now. Then there is the cell phone allowance and the fuel allowance that she also conveniently ‘forgets’ to pay.

Of course there are the empty promises…

I have not started my handbag line because it keeps getting put on hold. I have not received my raise that was for the end of September? I am still not receiving my cell phone and fuel allowance so there goes my money spent on growing her fucking business! Oh and then there is the fact that I would become partner in the business – next minute – she says ‘you know the business has no money so there really isn’t much point in even becoming partner’ – WELL thats comforting…

So I am paying to work for her. I honestly feel that I am not growing. I am stagnating like old water that you forget in your car because it rolled under the seat. Sadly I am so loyal to her – I love her and I love the brand, I am however not loyal to myself…because I am choosing her over me.

Sooo….

For the past week or so I have spontaneously been looking out for new jobs every now and then and then today shit got real. I stalked the internet for job vacancies and I will be doing so tomorrow as well.

This is so bold…

On Monday I want to hand in my four weeks notice ‘fml, way to cause myself an anxiety attack’. Is this the most responsible thing to do? Well no not at all, you cant leave a job into unemployment thats just silly. I however cannot sit in another situation where someone I love gets put before me and when that particular person and I start to destroy our relationship and destroy each other as people all because we didn’t know how to call it quits. We have the same arguments and the same fights over and over again. She is not going to fulfil her empty promises and I am not going to ever be ok with that and I have lost all motivation and feel that I don’t have the strength to carry on and that is unfair to her and to the business.

This is the year of risks…

It is also the year of being fearless and just saying Fuck it – whats the worst that could happen. If I dont get a job I will start my handbag collection. Literally sell my wedding rings and they will give birth to my own handbag collection. And if that takes off then fantastic and if that fails – then I will work for my aunt or someone or I will start waitressing or something and that will not be the end of the world. The end of the world is fucking stagnating.

I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul.

I know things get rough, but when they get rough and you cant climb your way out of the roughness then its time to get up and walk away. I am not ever going to work and work and work myself to the bone to keep something going when I know that in my heart it is over.

Mark my words – I will survive off the knuckles of my fingers if need be – but I will not stagnate!

On a fun note – I got so fed up with work that I left at 3pm and then I went to buy a smoothie maker and then came home at 5pm and had wine and made dinner and now I am in bed already at 7pm and I will fall asleep shortly and tomorrow will be lovely.

Good night xxx

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is not only healthy for you, it can make a huge difference in someone else’s life – Day 22

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4 weeks ago we lay side by side,
he asked me to paint a violin,
and I said I would and I didn’t even ask why?

4 weeks later it was his birthday,
the night before I painted him a violin,
and I spent hours searching for the perfect frame.

4 minutes later i was home with the perfect one,
white and clean for the painting of the violin,
and I wrote on the back ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.

4 this morning I woke and his arms were wrapped around me,
i felt vulnerable and I thought of the violin,
I went back to sleep thinking that I might not even give it to him.

4 minutes past 5 this morning we woke and made love,
and again i felt scared because of the violin,
its my heart and my soul in my art and its putting myself out there into a frame.

4 minutes past 6 I lay in his arms and I was so calm but still anxious,
again i kept seeing the violin,
why was it so ingrained in my mind if it was only a simple painting.

4 minutes past 7 I went to fetch it in my car,
he asked where his present was which was the painting of the violin,
and I was stalling because I was so shy.

4 minutes past 8 I was trembling with my heart in my hands covered in bubble wrap,
my soul poured into my art of the violin,
as he sat down I put in his hands.

4 layers of bubble wrap covered it,
my hands shaking because of that violin,
he was so nervous and excited to see what it was.

4 hands unwrapping,
that simple painting of the violin,
and he said ‘no you didn’t’

4 tears falling from each eye,
all because of the meaning of the violin,
it was special to me but I couldn’t understand why he was so taken.

4 layers of bubble wrap on the floor,
they covered the violin,
now his face was covered in tears.

4 kisses later I said I never asked why you asked for this specific painting,
his best friend who died promised to draw him a violin,
and it was my heart and hands and soul and his best friend through me that painted it.

4 strings on that instrument somehow connecting me and him and his best friend and his best friends wife,
so much magic in that simple painting of the violin,
no one could ever have known that it was not just a simple painting.

4 green eyes staring into each other,
our hearts in tears but smiling because of that violin,
that special moment all because he needed that violin from his best friend.