Limbo – Day 11

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I’m not sure if I am expecting a miracle, a life change or something bigger from Israel. But I know I am expecting something. It’s what I’m counting on, everything is riding on Israel. For some reason it’s as if I am expecting to arrive in Tel Aviv and come across Pandoras box. Open it and be exposed to a whole new world. The box is holding all the answers to all my questions and the box ironically will be posing more questions I am sure.

Now I am neither here nor there. Waiting for Israel and feeling sad, empty, hopeful and a little lost. Waking up to hear from Israel. Dreaming about my backpack. Dreaming about walking for days. I did’t want to get out of bed this morning. I wanted to sleep until I get that call. That call from Israel – my hop and my saviour.

Depression just is – much like the weather – it just is…

Come back to me – Day 9

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I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.

Now I realise, I was convenient.

I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.

I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?

You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.

I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

Hello FUTURE – Day 25

Lonely girl with suitcase at country road dreaming about travel.

Things at work are now ironically going really well. I think because I cleared the air with my boss, everything sis running much smoother and I feel we have our friendship back. She is trying to put me on a guilt trip as she keeps mentioning that I am leaving.

I’ve been doing a lot of research on next year. Where I would like to go and what I want to get out of it. What my goals go and so on. I think I need this, I think I really really need this.

This is what eating disorder therapy looks like – Day 6

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I woke up feeling so funny this morning.

I literally didn’t leave my house because I was so horrified that I would go out and buy food and binge and purge! I woke up in a complete panic, so anxious and so edgy and I still don’t know why? So I had a bowl of muesli and yogurt and I had anxiety medication and went to sleep and then woke up at 10:30 – that hasn’t happened in forever. I’m an early bird.

Still so anxious when I woke up, I decided to paint – I was freaking out, honestly I ave never been so afraid of myself and of my eating disorder. I lay on my floor crying, crying because I am here again. Yes we all go on and on about how a relapse is perfectly natural as your body will naturally resort to familiar coping mechanisms when under pressure. But who gives a fuck if its natural, it doesn’t make it any easier. And we all sit preaching to each other to stay strong and to be gentle with ourselves. Well again, thats a lot easier said than done. We would all love to be softer and not be so hard on ourselves, but your eating disorder is screaming with a microphone in your brain and your voice seems to just get lost and becomes white noise.

And you just lay there and you just cry. Because you feel like such a failure. So much work, so much pain and so many years and so many hospital visits and so many therapists and so many dieticians and so many pills and so many electrolyte tests. Then one day you wake up and half your life is gone and you feel so guilty because you should actually be crying because you got divorced yet that makes you feel so relieved! Its this illness that weighs you down, it hurts you more than any heartbreak in this world could and now you back there again. Maybe you not wearing the hospital wrist band with your surname on it, but you might as well be, because you feel like you back there. You sitting with everyone outside and everyone is smoking and you all discussing the reason you in the hospital and Pedro is shaking because his OCD is so intense at that moment that he so badly wants a drink and Colleen has closed the curtain around her bed and tells you through the curtains that on her weekend pass she tried to commit suicide and now she is too ashamed to even peak through the curtain at you. Remember that annoying old man that kept telling you to smile, fuck him, he was so annoying. Then there’s Chelsea, where is Chelsea now?

I’ll never forget booking into hospital and Chelsea was sitting there and my brother said ‘she looks pretty normal, you gonna be fine! And I’ll come visit you all the time, and these two weeks are going to go by so fast, its all going to be fine’. Chelsea smiled and I smiled – that smile where you saying to each other ‘I wonder why you here, but I don’t even care, because I know we here together and I know we going to get through this and I know both of us are trying so hard to pretend we normal and this isn’t the weirdest situation we have ever been in.’ We became friends. She had awful depression, which is strange because she was so pretty. And thats what people think, you so pretty how can you be sad. Well thats discrimination against ugly people.

So you have these thoughts and you think about all your friends and you wonder, why are some of us as deep as a well and some of us have the emotional range of a teaspoon? So you lay crying and you think of the morning that you cut for the first time in six years and you feel so ashamed, and then you wonder; did he see the scars, surely he has seen the scars on your thigh, or maybe he just looks right past them because you just own them and you for the first time in years just decided that you didn’t even care if someone saw the scars. Its just scars, we all have scars, whether they on your skin or your heart, they all there.

But we all so scared all the time, we so scared that someone is going to find out what incredibly flawed individuals we are. We just so anxious and we actually like fucking zombies and we just so ridiculous because we all so consumed with worrying what someone else will think – Well guess what: everyone is freaking out just like you are and if someone doesn’t want to see your flaws then show them to someone else.

So now I lay here on my floor and I paint whilst doing eating disorder therapy and crying and writing – because sometimes you are just so scatter brained that you cant even do one thing, your mind is all over the place so you might as well just do things all over the place and mess paint on the carpet and cry tears into your painting because thats what life is, its being fucking real and raw. Its being a wreck and then the next minute thinking you so lame because life is actually awesome, its all over the place. Life is everywhere and its no where.

Then I repeated this cycle over and over again. Then went to buy some art supplies and made the mistake of buying a mcflurry because I don’t know how to stop the anxiety so you eat it and naturally freak out, and bulimia keeps nudging and says ‘ice cream is so easy to purge’ just do it. So you do it because you know that once you get that release you will release all of that anxiety – and again you find yourself in that familiar place, your hair tied back and eyes blood shot and you have stabbing pains in your chest but you just keep going. The sickest part is that you literally think to yourself ‘ice cream is so easy to purge, have to remember this for next time, so much easier than purging chocolate”, I mean really, how fucked up are you when you think those thoughts? How ashamed are you, why do you have this incredibly unattractive illness? Why cant you just have OCD or something like that, why do you have this ravenous illness that takes over your body. Why are you so fucked up?

YOU NOT! You are not fucked up for thinking those thoughts. You have an illness and thats ok, the mere fact that you have recognised this and are working on it is all that matters. Thats what we all tell each other right? My old instagram account that was dedicated to my recovery, all my followers and me would always comment ‘dont be so hard on yourself, stay strong, keep fighting, you are worthy of recovery’ and so on and so forth. But none of us believe it when it comes to our own hearts and souls. We continue abusing our bodies because A. It’s not as easy as it sounds to just recover; and B. Because its so much easier to take the easy route and listen to your eating disorder than to actually fight it and fight the voice, and challenge it and challenge the fears and the feelings!

But like I always say, there is nothing sexier than personal growth. Absolutely nothing, except maybe a good perfume or cologne or a great shade of red lipstick, other than that personal growth is sexy and its raw and its real.

And we all hypocrites and we all dishing out advice to each other and we all seem wise, well we are all wise, just in different ways, I guess its up to you to decide who you showing this to. Who are you going to be your raw self with and when are you going to be scared and horrified and cry and sob and feel sorry for yourself and just be open and just say ‘I’m a human and I’m flawed and I want to be perfect but I cant be and thats fine and its also not fine at the same time because thats human nature’. We all so freaking flawed and we just trying to be perfect.

Well guess what – everyone always thinks I’m perfect because for some reason I am the most resilient human being on planet earth, I mean really – give me a grenade thats about to kill me and I’ll probably find something creative to do with it. Thats just me. But you, you resilient as well, you just have to show it and stop hiding and stop being scared and stop isolating yourself! And how ironic – here I go, dishing out advice, because we all fucking hypocrites.

Doing eating disorder therapy all night

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

Home is where the heart is – Day 25 – DAY 50

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You guys, Part II is already over. These past 50 days have flown by so quickly.

The last 25 days have been very up and down!

Today was wonderful – I’m at home with my family on my parents farm and it has been absolutely wonderful. The picture above is of my brother and I this afternoon on the lawn drinking wine and beers.

This weekend was just what I needed after all the mixed emotions I’ve been experiencing lately.

I actually ate balanced today which was lovely – I was practicing serious awareness. Had such a great time. This morning went around the farm for a nice long walk with my mom and then we had brunch and then relaxed in the garden followed by nap time and then drinks and dinner. It was so wonderful.

I am really anxious to go back home tomorrow. Work has been weird. Friday I was in such a strange mood. I thought that getting a raise at work would motivate me and make me excited again, but strangely enough – it excited me for a day and then it didn’t. Just about two weeks ago I was so happy at work and now lately I just feel that I am not being challenged at all anymore. I feel that I am not growing in the job and my boss is getting on my nerves. I know this is all natural – work cant go well all the time, there are always ups and downs. I just get a tad nervous because when I was in therapy when I was 19 many things changed.

And now things are changing… you get divorced, you relapse into an eating disorder, life turned upside down – you start to view your life in a complete different way.

The last time I was in therapy, I started to feel incredibly unmotivated in the course I was studying – I was 19 at the time and I changed to a complete different course. Now I am feeling the same way as I did then. Work isn’t as fulfilling, I am not feeling challenged – feels like the same thing over and over again. My boss was talking about me becoming partner in the business – but nothing ever gets set in stone. I got a raise but she isn’t sure if the raise will take effect at the end of October or the end of November – which isn’t very stable. I still don’t pay tax because she hasn’t registered me. I still have to ask my parents to help me out financially – and my boss doesn’t see this as a big deal as her parents helped her financially until she was about 35. I however just cant cant keep asking my mum for money – I think its time to grow up.

So tomorrow I back home to the city and then on Tuesday I have a meeting with her. I am not sure what the meeting is even about as she called it, but we shall see.

Either way, I am going to try and work hard this week and really focus on work and balnce in my life. Really try to eat balanced, go to gym and do yoga at night like I used to. Be more aware – try take the hard way out and be aware and journal and be strong instead of b/p or letting the anxiety take its toll on me.

Heres to a great next 25 days!

Feeling optimistic!

Sorry but I’m not sorry – Day 20

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My ex husband just called me.

We actually had a really great chat for about an hour, we laughed about things and we chatted about all sorts of things. He still believes in my soul (whatever that is supposed to mean) and he will also do anything for me because he owes me. His life has changed, losing me was the worst thing that has ever happened to him and through this he has discovered himself. His true self and he is so grateful because he owes this all to me. If I had never left him, he would never has learned, he was so ignorant all these years. Also I am so incredibly smart – too smart for my own good actually – and so this went on. He will never give up hope, he wont tell me what he will never give up hope on however. He will never give up hope on my soul. He knows that the real me is still in there. This person that I have become is not the real me. Which is just fucking fantastic as far as I am concerned as it once again proves that he doesn’t want me to grow in any way. I need to stay the young and naive 19 year old that he fell in love with. Well things change and people change. He also somehow knows that there is someone else in my life – I didn’t elaborate on it at all or entertain it at all though.

He saw me the other day and it was a pleasant surprise he says, but he cannot risk seeing me again as he needs to go far away because he needs to distance himself from everything that is me. He will never be able to move on and grow if I am always in the distance – then perhaps he should stop emailing me? – anyway. I feel that we actually had a good chat and that we ok and I hope that one day we can actually be friends, he says it is impossible because it is too painful, but I believe we can.

And then I wrote this to him.

Perhaps when I’m sleeping you’ll get back on your feet.

You know there is someone else,
I don’t know how,
But you know,
You just wanted to keep talking and talking but I kept saying I was tired, we can talk tomorrow.
You know there is someone else,
You softly snuck in that sentence where you said:
‘don’t allow him to keep you from sleeping when you tired like your silly husband did, don’t allow him to be selfish like your silly husband was’
I didn’t even reply to it.
Eventually you let me sleep.
I got into bed and fell asleep right away.
I expected myself to lay awake and think about you.
But I didn’t.
I just went to sleep.

And then I wrote this.

I’m sorry but I’m not sorry

As the nights now get warm you kick off the sheets,
I’m so sorry
I’m entangled in him and i don’t mind getting hot when I sleep anymore, he holds me so tight at night and I sleep soundly. He breathes loudly into my neck and I smile.
I’m not sorry.
You breathed into me and I used to turn the other way because I couldn’t fall asleep,
you tried to hold me and you put your leg on mine and it felt so heavy i would slide away from underneath it.
I’m so sorry.
I stay up with him and we talk and we cry and I sleep for a few hours and I get drunk with him and we cheers with wine and we laugh.
I’m not sorry.
You begged me to stay 5 more minutes but I couldn’t do it because i didn’t feel safe anymore and i couldn’t listen to you anymore and i couldn’t see you drunk anymore and i couldn’t see the seeds from the weed anymore and i couldn’t feel you touch me anymore.
I’m so sorry.
Your eyes became so cold, we would lay on the couch and you would softly touch me and i got scared and i would call you on the brink of tears because the world became too much for me and you wouldn’t hear my voice trembling or you ignored it?
I’m so sorry
Now all i want is for him to touch me and when he calls I try to sound brave and he sees right through me and drives to me and he holds me.
I’m not sorry.
When i let you in and opened up and you told me you could not believe I would dump my illness on you at such an inconvenient time.
I’m so sorry.
I told him about it and he shrugged and said we all have our demons and he held me.
I’m not sorry.
You saw me the other day and you were surprised, you say you want to leave and you can never risk being near me because you will crumble,
I’m so sorry.
i never want to leave you and i want to be your friend and i don’t feel your presence anymore.
I’m not sorry.
You said losing me was the worst thing that had ever happened to you, you said you had never been so depressed, you said you would never give-up hope even if you know this is for the best.
I’m so sorry.
Losing you was hard but being with you was harder and i have never felt more alive and free than I do now.
And you know what,
I’m not sorry.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…