I cannot be smoted, I am unsmotable – Day 9

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I slept with my ex husband.

Honestly it was for my ego. I didn’t feel anything emotionally.

It was more of a ‘poor poor you’ and sympathy sex. I’m going to do this one last time, to make you miss me even more. To make you feel even worse and realise what you lost.

It was liberating and I felt powerful and that causes some shame – but at the same time I feel completely indifferent.

I felt in control.

Much like my eating disorder – I feel in control. I yearn for control. I don’t want to let go and I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do. I want to control everything.

I felt sad about Andrew however…

My old home – PART 6 – Day 1

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Back to the city. Year starting again.

I feel content.

Drove by my house I shared with my husband and I just smiled…

July 2015…

‘It’s really worrying that you wearing lipstick’ he said while I was explaining to him that I had called the psychiatrists and I would help him go to therapy if he needed.
‘Can we have sex one more time? Just one more time?’ he pleaded and picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter. I pulled him closer and stared deeply into his eyes. Those green eyes I made love to, the eyes that held my heart and a thousand memories. My future was in those eyes. They now looked blank. He hadn’t slept in days since I left, he hadn’t eaten. He was jumpy and agitated and anxious.
We stared into each others eyes and started kissing slowly and then more passionately. Our eyes were closed, he was kissing my neck sending shivers down my spine. I wanted to get lost in him, get lost in us and what we were, but it was gone. It was lost. It was no longer there.
I pulled away.
‘One last time’ and he leaned down kissing my stomach and lowering into me.
‘Come on, I have to go’ I said pulling him up and sliding past him as I jumped off the kitchen counter.
He sighed.
‘Come on, please eat this’ I’d warmed a croissant and put cheese and jam on it for him, his favourite.
I had to leave, I couldn’t stay.
We hugged good bye, I got into my car and I redid my lipstick while he was looking at me from the bay windows in the spare room where I had spent my last night sleeping in our house.

Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.

365 days ago – Day 13

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Hollow.

Numb.

365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.

The day you have been dreaming about.

The man you love.

The future you had envisioned.

It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.

Closing time – Day 12

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I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.

Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.

Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.

I made it.

This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.

Today is bitter sweet.

My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.

Never looking back.

Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.

We are all entitled to our own views and opinions, but you do not have the right to make shit up about people and then oppress them with the shit you made up- Day 25

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So calling my husband for his birthday yesterday was an epic fail. Whilst I felt content about our relationship. He felt the opposite.

So since yesterday afternoon I have been bombarded with mail and been called the following – notice that all this name calling is coming from someone who is not emotionally abusive, instead very loving and caring:

You ruined my birthday by calling me. You have put me into a dark depression. You are a liar and a user and you will be exposed for who you truly are.You are a coward.You are mentally ill You’ve been playing the innocent victim to your friends and family. You developed an interest in someone else and discarded me to pursue this interest. I’m not saying you cheated on me. You lived a double life Danielle there are things I know about that you do not know I know about. Danielle people are going to see your true colours in time. You are very ill. You are damaged. I feel deeply deeply sorry for whoever suffers from your cruelty. I sincerely feel sorry for any honest decent human being that experiences the pain your evil causes. They deserve my love – not you. I feel desperately sorry for the poor person that falls in love with your emptiness.

I don’t care what is going on in your life, you don’t speak to people in this manner. No one has the right to think they know anyone better than they know themselves. No one has the right to treat people this way.

Happy 34th Birthday snuggle buggle – Day 24 part 2

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Today is my EX husbands birthday (yes I can officially say ex-husband).

I called him, we had a lovely chat, the connection is still there, the friendship is still there. I feel very happy and content about this.

The divorce was the most traumatic experience of his life, he suffered, he was depressed. He knows I struggled – but he struggled more. It’s fine. Do what you have to, feel and say what you have to.

I feel content that we are here and we can keep our friendship.

Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

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I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

Sleep on the floor, dream about me – Day 5

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I wont lie, last night after I finished writing my post, I got into bed and I listened to music and I wanted to drive to my ex husbands house and lay on the floor with him and hold his hand and listen to music with our eyes closed. Just feel the way we used to feel, when things were light and before all the mess.

It’s day 80 and I can’t believe how time has flown and how much I have grown!

Went to the gym this morning which was so lovely, and work wasn’t too bad and then this evening cleaned my house and rearranged a few things and made dinner, drank wine and lay on the floor reading.

Its been raining and it’s so chilly! I bought a new dress and I’m dying to wear it and the weather just isn’t budging UGH – First world problems lol

Positive vibes.

You’ve been served – Day 23

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I have a court date.

YAY!

4th December 2015, if all goes well, that will be the day that it all comes to a close.

So this is a little something I wrote

its not just you
i’m hurt too

to who do you compare me
recreating old me

i used to feel protection from your touch
now you find me too much

if i’m your beloved then why don’t i fit here,
we lay together but we feel so alone

and i’ll never go home again
i’ve lost me, i’ve lost you and i’ve lost them

and i’ve never felt so alone
it feels so scary getting old

i’m the one you tell your fears to
i live in this hollow ground with you

and i called your name three times tonight
you said you’d get a knife and slit to prove you were right

if i stay in this love i will kill myself
you said those words and i just wanted to keep us alive

favourite friend
the tables turned and its over its the end

nothing’s wrong but nothings right
I feel we need something else to hold onto tonight

all the things we do for fun
are starting to make us come undone

She is back after 6 years haunting my insides
Your drinking has stolen your pride

its not just you
im hurt too

There is no space and there is no sound
Stranded and the electric fence is snapping again

and I’ve killed a pot plant
i’m crying and you’ve bled dry in your heart

words stabbing like knives
like drinking poison and eating glass.

all that remains is my soul in the rain
this hollow shell staring at you all the same
my black heart
there’s a fork in the road

maybe its time to let it go
maybe its time for me to go home

you go left and i’ll go right,
no i’ll go left, because you’re always right

I remember when my voice caught flames
You said I’d lost my brains

I screamt and your eyes went wide
and we always said it was ok

this is a battle
you think i’m a constant hassle

you staring into my eyes making accusations
about affairs and other relations

you’ve imagined others
now you blame me for lies you’ve imagined

you live in black and white
im wrong and you’re right

and all i have to give you is me
all i have to face this world is me

now somethings telling me to run
you staring at me with a paper gun

You’ve asked for papers so many times
all we are is signing on the bottom line

all these years gone by
no lies now we losing time

you take what you lose
you do what you choose

i’ll take all the blame
i cant live in

tell them it was me
just me

here I am
I said ‘Here I am’

i’m fighting for the right
to release myself from this fight

its not just you
im hurt too

i’ll take all the blame
tell them it was me

just me
it was all just me