Closing time – Day 23

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‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
‘Of course!’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.

Two years ago.

New years eve.

Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.

But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.

But I will be found.

The moment you believe that love is not about losing or winning. It is just a few moments in time, followed by an eternity of situations to grow from – Day 21

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Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)

I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.

I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.

Live and let live.

Yours truly,

Danielle

The divorce decree has been granted – Day 22 part 2

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Amongst the bliss.

The divorce is official.

It is all over.

I feel indifferent and relieved and perhaps numb…this makes me feel guilty.

I feel light and free.

Scared, liberated, numb, alone, happy, free, guilty, heartbroken.

It’s a moment. Life is filled with moments. The chapter of my life where my husband and I lived as one was wonderful. It was one of my favourite chapters and my favourite moments. Life is filled with moments – and in every moment we feel that it is the most important of our lives and it is. The moments are real and they are fleeting and even when they are hard they are beneficial and part of the journey.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

He was the man of my dreams until he wasn’t and thats ok too – Day 4

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After a wonderful evening yesterday, the love just continued. I had to work this morning, but it wasn’t too bad. Then at about 14h00 met up with my parents at their hotel and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking gin and tonics with them.

Of course had too many, and by too many I mean I had two – because I’m a cheap drink. Parents stayed by the pool and I went to nap in their hotel room. Its about 6 weeks ago when I went away with them for a few days. My dad had booked a trip for us in January already. It was going to be the four of us. Mom, Dad, me and my husband. We were all looking forward to it so, until we just weren’t. I landed up going on the trip with my uncle as my date instead. (He was much better company than my husband by the way lol)

I was so emotionally distraught, mentally broken down and physically exhausted that I spent most of our trip sleeping. Of course this holiday was booked with the thought of couples in mind, so my uncle landed up sleeping in the luxury bedroom and I landed up on the couch. However the one night I felt a bit ill and I was so tired that I slept in my parents bedroom and told them to wake me when they wanted to sleep and I would return to the couch. I woke up at 6am the next morning in their bed, cozy and warm, stretched out like a snow angel and I found them sleeping on the couch 🙂 and that is what love is.

Today getting a little drunk with my mom and explaining to her how important it is to take control of your fears and live in the moment, while giggling and slurring. And my mom telling me that all you have to do in this life is be yourself. And her giggling at my ridiculousness and telling me that she loves me so much. Thats love.

Chatting about fun times we had with my husband – thats love. Like the time we had a hippie party and all wore tie dye and he got so drunk and passed out on the couch and we all put toys on him and drew on him. That was fun. Thats the guy we remember. Having amazing dinners with and deep conversations and watching him follow his dreams. His brilliant mind and intelligence and his ability to care so much for the less fortunate and his drive to make the world a better place. We remember the fun loving man that he was and still is. And thats love.

Life is so fickle. I’ve had a few people tell me that they never truly liked him and they also thought things weren’t right. But that is complete bullshit. We all loved him and no one saw this coming. Why be mean? Why destroy the person just because they didn’t turn out to be what you had wanted and hoped for and loved. Why all of a sudden did my in laws split the other way and realise that they never liked me anyway. They all knew this would happen.

I’ll never ever forget the day – 6 April 2015 – literally five months ago. We were in the mountains and it was spectacular. The most beautiful water falls, the lush green mountains. My mother in law and I went for a hike – because no one ever wanted to hike with her might I add because no one wanted to wait for her – so I always walked and hiked with her on holidays. We had such a special time. she spoke about it for weeks after. We sat on the veranda of the most quaint cottage in the world and she said to me ‘The first time you came to our house, I just knew, I just knew that you were the best thing that had ever happened to my son, I knew you were his soul mate’! My heart smiled and so did hers. My husband was in his room working and being fucking moody as he always is around his family. And I hung out with his parents – we bonded and we connected.

And now I wonder how she feels about that day? Did she know? Did she look into my eyes and blatantly lie, or was that what she truly believed at that moment. At that moment did she think that I was a spoilt little girl, ungrateful and indulged, not intellectual enough? At that moment in the mountains in that quaint little cabin, did she know that she would be accusing me of having an affair just 5 months later, did she know her sons soul mate was emotionally unstable and that she was vain and self absorbed? I wonder what she was feeling in her heart at that moment.

Strangely enough. I still love her. Yes she caused so much fucking emotional turmoil for her son, but I still love her. I still respect her because she raised that family. She raised those children when her husband was absent. She gave her all to those children and to her husband. History repeats itself. In my marriage, I kept our family going, I gave it everything. It was never enough, I never fitted in and I felt so alone in the marriage but I gave it my all. Just like my mother in law did. She is such an incredibly strong woman. Was she a total back stabbing two faced bitch these last few months? Yes she was. Do I hate her for it? No I do not. She was being the best mom and her best self and she was supporting her son and she needed to pin the blame on someone. They all did. That whole family did. They needed to hate someone and blame someone for hurting their perfect son (who by the way needed serious mental help in July -those were her exact words to my mother). But none the less she stood by her family and I will always admire her for her strength in her marriage and for keeping that family together, even if it turned out toxic, she kept them together and she built that family up from the ground. I will forever remember her for the strong woman that she is.

When you gonna love you as much as I do – Day 3

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My mom and dad are here and its my uncles wedding and it was wonderful!

I had a long heart to heart with my mum and I am feeling so much better now. I think I was living in lahlah land for a while when they were gone. Then when they got back from Paris I had to discuss lawyers again and divorce and therapy and I think I just felt vulnerable again.

While they were gone I tried to convince myself that I was doing really well because I had to. I find it hard to just open up and speak to my friends about everything, they support me with the divorce and they are incredible, but my parents are really the only two people I am completely comfortable opening up to about my eating disorder. So when they got back I just crumbled again.

Strangely its not even about my husband anymore.

It’s now become a soul searching journey. It’s about me. I cry because I am sad about the eating disorder and the medication and the therapy. It makes me sad that I am on medication – I try to not let it get to me but it does. When I skipped a few days and it effected me I felt sad. I guess I just wish I was strong enough to have to use the therapy and medication as help. Which is ridiculous because I am going through something so challenging so I deserve the help.
I know its just my husbands voice in my head telling me that I am weak. He loved to tell me to toughen up.

I guess its a constant effort to love ourselves and be in love with ourselves. I honestly don’t think it comes naturally to any of us. Its a work in progress, day to day and second to second we make ourselves number one and we follow our hearts. It will become easier as times goes by as you become stronger. I mean 6 months ago I would never have been able to stand up for myself, or make up my mind, or love me. Now I work at it daily. Its hard and its raw and its grey and its sometimes so challenging, but I keep trying.

The picture is of my dad and I on our way to my wedding 🙂 I love it so much! I’m however not ready to show face yet lol