Yesterday I was feeling ill and I felt the flu coming on but today it has hit me like a ton of bricks!
I felt so sick, shaking and my body sore and the highest temperature imaginable that I even started crying and then A decided that was it. And we decided to come home. We were only meant to leave tomorrow. But I felt so ill and he wasn’t feeling great so we came home and went to sleep at 6pm.
And A took such great care of me, running me a bath and making me tea and sandwiches. I love him so much
In therapy today my psychologist pointed out that I always give people the power. I don’t take the lead even when its my right.
With work for example, I put all the power into my partners hands and don’t take control of the situation.
I’m always afraid of being the bad one. So I’ll let people take advantage of me over and over again all in the name of being a ‘nice person?
I do it at work and in relationships and basically every day life.
She suggested to listen to my body. If I have to make a decision I should always go with my gut – whether that outcome benefits the other person or not. Because in the end I’m just hurting myself…
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
Look at my spectacular cake hahaha
Last night was very depressing honestly that we’re celebrating the death of my marriage.
We are however celebrating that the struggle is over. The chapter has been closed. A new chapter is beginning.
A new journey, my journey.
The view is stunning.
We take long walks on the beach and share ice cream.
We cook dinner over a glass of wine.
He sleeps soundly on the couch.
We stare into each others.
We hold hands and kiss and explore.
Slight anxiety because I never want this holiday to end.
I want to stay locked in the haze with him.
My husband still emails me daily – still about how I saved him and I saved his life and I have helped him and I am special and so on and so forth. He still however cannot risk bumping into him as it will break him – only once he feels ready and his therapist agrees that he is ready will he see me. OK…
Binged on brownies around 9am and restricted all day.
Be kind to yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.