Back to the city this afternoon.
My best friends bought me 3 journals for a going away gift for my trip 🙂
We all had dinner and danced on the tables and drank too much.
I am going to miss them so much. I drove out the drive way and I missed them already. I was down the road and they texted me they miss me already.
I know I have fucked up a lot, but I did something right!
‘I’m leaving on the 28th of December’ I exclaimed!
‘Thats in a week, you can’t leave and we still have never had sex’ he said.
‘Ok, thursday, I expect to be wined and dined’
It was a friend and a fuck and now we’ve been doing it for a month.
We went to the movies, we hold hands in the mall and I sat on his lap eating ice cream under the stars.
This changes everything, we have become emotionally invested.
‘I’m going to miss you’
‘I’m going to miss you too’
You’re a complicated girl that needs simple things, all you need is your books and your pen and paper. A few friends. You need to be cared for, not taken care of and you need to be appreciated. If you have those things, you will be alright.
My ex husband messaged this morning that he is sorry and emailed this…
Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made.
I can now see how depressed you were because you used to talk about the past a lot before you left, and you were also anxious about the future because you thought I would abandon you for my work etc. I for my part just drowned out both my depression and anxiety and when I wasn’t doing that I was also stuck in the past and worried about our future together. My hope for you is that you enjoy the present (it seems like you are) and that you have wonderful experiences without feeling depressed or anxious. It’s been really tough acknowledging to myself just how depressed and anxious I was, and it’s easier said than done living in the present. I try really hard to focus on the present but my mind often wonders to he past and this makes me anxious.
My love for you is pure and sincere -I know it may seem irrational to some but I want to know that I support you and your dreams. I don’t want you to get hurt but at the same time I realise that getting hurt is part of learning. I don’t want to let you go and yet I realise that letting you go is the only way I will heal.
Please feel these words: if you don’t feel good when you read them please read them over and over and over until you do.
You are a stunning person Danielle. Your friends and family adore you, and your warmth makes everyone around you feel joy. You are incredibly gifted, both intellectually and creatively. You radiate amazing beauty. There is simply nobody in this world like you. If I was religious I would have believed that you were chosen.
Danielle you are the closest thing to happiness that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Not as a respite from the pain, but rather as someone who has the unique ability to soothe me into the moment. Like me you are grappling with who you are, and we will both heal. Healing will take away the depression and anxiety we both felt while while we were together. You were my best friend and losing you has been extraordinarily painful and sad. Still, I know that I am not able to help you on this part of your journey to your authentic self. This is why I will feel the pain and sadness. I want you to be as happy as you make other people happy. You deserve this more than anyone else.
Your authentic self is, in my humble and naive opinion, love and joy.
Back to the city. Year starting again.
I feel content.
Drove by my house I shared with my husband and I just smiled…
‘It’s really worrying that you wearing lipstick’ he said while I was explaining to him that I had called the psychiatrists and I would help him go to therapy if he needed.
‘Can we have sex one more time? Just one more time?’ he pleaded and picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter. I pulled him closer and stared deeply into his eyes. Those green eyes I made love to, the eyes that held my heart and a thousand memories. My future was in those eyes. They now looked blank. He hadn’t slept in days since I left, he hadn’t eaten. He was jumpy and agitated and anxious.
We stared into each others eyes and started kissing slowly and then more passionately. Our eyes were closed, he was kissing my neck sending shivers down my spine. I wanted to get lost in him, get lost in us and what we were, but it was gone. It was lost. It was no longer there.
I pulled away.
‘One last time’ and he leaned down kissing my stomach and lowering into me.
‘Come on, I have to go’ I said pulling him up and sliding past him as I jumped off the kitchen counter.
‘Come on, please eat this’ I’d warmed a croissant and put cheese and jam on it for him, his favourite.
I had to leave, I couldn’t stay.
We hugged good bye, I got into my car and I redid my lipstick while he was looking at me from the bay windows in the spare room where I had spent my last night sleeping in our house.
‘Lets go for a walk’ he said.
‘Ok, do wanna go for a run or a walk, should I put sneakers on?’ I asked.
‘Doesn’t matter, just come’
‘Okay…’ I said awkwardly
We walked down the road and he seemed anxious, I just shrugged it off and I keep walking down the road, holding his hand and chattering on about nothing in particular. He pulled me to the right and we headed towards the dam. The very empty dam where my brother and sister and I played as kids. I stood looking around at the trash on the ground, the bottle tops, shards of glass and old wrappers polluting the area.
‘Danielle, I love you, you are my world and I never ever want to be without you’ he said out of the blue, pulling me closer.
‘I love you’ I said and I smile.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing?’ I exclaimed as he started lowering himself onto one knee.
‘Will you be my wife?’
Naturally I burst into tears, we held each other kissing, our salty tears sliding down our cheeks.
Two years ago.
New years eve.
Tonight I stood in the kitchen in my parents house. My mum holding me in my arms telling me that she is proud of me, that I am going to thrive. The sadness will linger for long and the healing will take time, but I will heal. Tears running down my cheeks, I’m dry heaving from the emotion. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. Eyes blood shot from the crying and I’m exhausted.
But its over. It will linger and the pain will walk with me for a while still.
But I will be found.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.