This is the first post in the new year of my blog and its a shit one – I apologise.
When I got divorced I learnt what the most important things in life were to me.
Love and family…
And now I wonder whats the point of stress and work and negativity and whats the point of everything. Love and family are the two most important things in my life – cant I sit and do that all day ?
This is a very negative way to start the new year of my blog – but it is what it is.
Work sucks, its hard and its a struggle and I have so much doubt and fear in me…its so overwhelming that I find it so much easier to just stare at all the work instead of actually doing it.
My car broke down!
And it cost a fortune to fix it and I of course don’t have any money seeing as I spent my money on galavanting through Israel. So my parents had to help me out and then the voices started:
‘You will never amount to anything, you will never have enough money to pay for things like a real adult.’
‘You will always need someone to bail you out, you are a burden.’
And so on and so forth.
Also a few days ago, A told me that something sounded funny when I start my car and I should be safe and call him if I need help. Well I wanted to call him today but I didn’t. I instead just figured it out and organised the tow truck to collect me and found a mechanic and so on. Because I don’t want any favours from anyone because I feel that if someone helps me out I will have to repay them and I am honestly just not up for that.
My ex husband always made me feel guilty when he helped me out and made me feel that I had to repay him and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling.
My ex husband messaged this morning that he is sorry and emailed this…
Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made.
I can now see how depressed you were because you used to talk about the past a lot before you left, and you were also anxious about the future because you thought I would abandon you for my work etc. I for my part just drowned out both my depression and anxiety and when I wasn’t doing that I was also stuck in the past and worried about our future together. My hope for you is that you enjoy the present (it seems like you are) and that you have wonderful experiences without feeling depressed or anxious. It’s been really tough acknowledging to myself just how depressed and anxious I was, and it’s easier said than done living in the present. I try really hard to focus on the present but my mind often wonders to he past and this makes me anxious.
My love for you is pure and sincere -I know it may seem irrational to some but I want to know that I support you and your dreams. I don’t want you to get hurt but at the same time I realise that getting hurt is part of learning. I don’t want to let you go and yet I realise that letting you go is the only way I will heal.
Please feel these words: if you don’t feel good when you read them please read them over and over and over until you do.
You are a stunning person Danielle. Your friends and family adore you, and your warmth makes everyone around you feel joy. You are incredibly gifted, both intellectually and creatively. You radiate amazing beauty. There is simply nobody in this world like you. If I was religious I would have believed that you were chosen.
Danielle you are the closest thing to happiness that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Not as a respite from the pain, but rather as someone who has the unique ability to soothe me into the moment. Like me you are grappling with who you are, and we will both heal. Healing will take away the depression and anxiety we both felt while while we were together. You were my best friend and losing you has been extraordinarily painful and sad. Still, I know that I am not able to help you on this part of your journey to your authentic self. This is why I will feel the pain and sadness. I want you to be as happy as you make other people happy. You deserve this more than anyone else.
Your authentic self is, in my humble and naive opinion, love and joy.
Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
My bosses husband was in a car accident.
I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.
I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.
Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.
I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.
I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.
If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.
He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.
We made each other feel hope again.
We made each other feel whole again.
My brothers dog went to the parlour and looks so cute and white and fluffy like snowy from tin tin haha
Also, remember that guy Rick. The one I had the magical 6 hour date with that then decided I was crazy? And no matter how lustrous and desirable the relationship seemed, he didn’t think it would last?
Well we have been chatting and he wants to go out when I am back. I am excited, we have been chatting every day since Sunday. In a way I feel like saying ‘fuck off’ but I actually do think he is great and I am willing to give it another shot.
I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.
I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?
Yes I am only 25?
Yes I am only young?
However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.
My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.
So I went on a date this afternoon and it was really lovely, nothing happened, we just had drinks and chatted. We’ll be friend, there isn’t much else going on there.
So went on a date. So being a total man about it. Guys have such small egos, they tend to think when they dating you that you not seeing anyone else. Well I am. Sorry. Until things are official, I am single. Yes of course every time I am with someone else I realise how badly I want to be with him, but that’s ok, I think its just where I am right now and as long as I am aware and not escaping feelings I’m on the right track.
Apparently this is what people my age are doing?
I missed that bus and got married so I am a little late to the party.
I however feel like a whole new world has opened up to me. In the past 4 months I have met so many incredible people and made so many friends its been amazing. Friday night I even met a girl with bulimia and it was so amazing, it was like meeting a twin soul. It’s like I’m starting to find my place in this world and I’m starting to be me and fit in perfectly.
Anyway, the past two days I have felt absolutely wonderful, I’ve really been feeling light and like I am in a good space. I have kept my anxiety in control, I have managed to talk myself out of binges. I’m now having a glass of wine and writing.
Before I forget, my ex husband got his phd 🙂 I am so sincerely incredibly happy for him. He worked so incredibly hard for it. Yes it was one of the factors that weighed down on our relationship, but never the less, I am so incredibly proud and I am so happy for him.