Thanks to everyone who still follows and thank you to the new followers that I have gained during my absence – Its been 3 months.
I’ve started a blog for my business and it would mean the world to me if all my loyal followers could check it out 🙂
NEW BLOG FOR THE BUSINESS
You guys have been with me through it all. Through the divorce and the eating disorder and when I decided to start the business. Through this blog I have received so much help with my anxiety especially with everyones comments and posts about their own struggles. I really hope that you will all continue to keep following me on this journey 🙂
A, my boyfriend, for those of you who forgot haha – came home with me to my family for Christmas and it was so wonderful. We’re still together and its been a year guys 🙂 and I fall more and more in love with him even day – I know how cliche that sounds, but its true.
My business is doing well 🙂
It feels like things are going slowly – but they actually aren’t if I look back. If I look back to 3 months ago when I did my last post a lot has happened. And it seems like my business has actually just grown overnight.
- I’ve moved into a new studio and its marvelous
- I got into my first store – and thats why I have been so quiet. I had to design an A/W collection and send all the samples for review and then they liked me 🙂 so I am supplying them for winter for my winter collection. Which is huge because this store holds a lot of the top designers in the country, SA, and to showcase my clothing alongside them is such a blessing.
- I’ve become a huge advocate for the fashion revolution and I’m the official face of the Fashion Revolution at Fashion Week SA which is in a weeks time – this is so super exciting!
- My brother got married and I made my sister in laws dress and she looked absolutely stunning 🙂
Thats about it 🙂 and my hair os blonde now and I still struggle with food and have been to the gym about 5 times this year…eeek
I promise to try my best to post more regularly!
I guess I need to be proud of that?
Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.
Instead realize how far you’ve come?
I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.
I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.
I need routine.
I really struggle without routine, I feel all over the place and as if I have no structure and no direction and everything is just a mess.
But every time I get into a good routine it lasts about 2-3 weeks and then something happens like I get the flu or I go away or I randomly get depressed. Then I have to start all over again and its so frustrating because I think this is pretty much the way my life. Yes I can try keep things more organized but things are inevitably always going to go astray. My mom reckons the fact that I am aware of these patterns is already helpful. So its going to happen and it is what it is – just get back up again.
I suppose she is right.
A and his friends got home at 3am this morning and when we woke up he was so miserable and hungover. I woke up around 7:30 and so did one of his friends so we landed up cleaning the whole house after the disastrous mess after yesterdays party. We had coffee and chatted and landed up going to Krispy Kreme to get everyone donuts. It was awesome – really great getting to know A’s friends more.
A was such a grumpy baby the he landed up going home to sleep in his one bed lol. I stayed at my house and been listening to music in the garden and reading all day and its been amazing 🙂
Today it took me about three hours to actually get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and actually just get ready to tackle the day. I woke up and I just couldn’t. Something as simple as showering seems as if its as big of a challenge as climbing a mountain.
All I want to do is sleep. But when I lay in bed this morning, not managing to get up, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was as if I had pins and needles in my veins and blood and organs, as if anxiety was in my body and it wasn’t a symptom that I was feeling – it was actually inside me – a part of me. And all I want to do is climb out of my own skin.
Since I was a little girl I have been free to be whoever I want to be. My parents have never told me who to be, how to act or what I should be doing with my life.
The result of this has been that I have been able to make my own mistakes and I have made so many mistakes and I have learned so many life lessons.
I was allowed to dye my hair pink, take art instead of maths, get married to someone they didn’t approve of 100%, drop out of studying psychology, travelled to Israel by myself and camped alone in a foreign country. I’ve started my own business and I’ve got tattoos, I’ve been broke and I’ve had money.
All because they trusted me to make my own decisions.
And there are times that I wish things were a lot more simple, but things could have been so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I am so fortunate to have this life that I have, and to live this life and I honestly wouldnt change it for anything in the world!
They go hand in hand and I don’t think I can have the one without the other because I don’t find it effective.
I need to see my therapist some time.
Maybe not dying?
But not being around anymore. Sometimes I imagine it all ending.
No me, no world, no problems, no work, no stress, no worry, no fear, no heartache.
I’ve even imagined ways in which I would die – I wouldnt kill myself, but I wouldnt mind dying sometimes.
I have been told by many a friend and family member that they are so proud of me for going off my medication. They are so impressed by how strong I am.
Well I’m not strong…
I’ve been back on my meds for 3 months already. I haven’t told a soul. Not even my mom and not even A.
Because I’m not strong for going off meds and I’m not weak for going back on either.
I have an illness and I’m drinking medication for it. And I am so happy that I am. Because drinking the medication makes the world of a differnece. And I don’t see why I need to explain that to anyone and why I need to be labeled weak or strong.
It is what it is.
I drink medication for anxiety and depression.
Who gives a fuck.
It really makes an appearance when ever it damn well pleases.