The moment you believe that love is not about losing or winning. It is just a few moments in time, followed by an eternity of situations to grow from – Day 21

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Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)

I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.

I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.

Live and let live.

Yours truly,

Danielle

This is the saddest vanilla that I’ve ever tasted – Day 14

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My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.

You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.

I miss him.

I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.

I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.

I’m ok.

There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.

365 days ago – Day 13

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Hollow.

Numb.

365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.

The day you have been dreaming about.

The man you love.

The future you had envisioned.

It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.

Fingers crossed – Day 8

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I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.

Fingers crossed that I get to go!

Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’

If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.

You are never “recovered” from an eating disorder, always in the eternal participial purgatory of “recovering” – Day 2

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Work went much better today.

My relationship with food and my body however is slipping. I found myself in front of the mirror this morning bending over trying to see the ribs on my back – which are hardly visible anymore. I say I found myself in front of the mirror because you slip into these habits so instantly that you are on autopilot and all of a sudden you realise what you are actually doing.

I miss my ribs and I miss my protruding hip bones and I miss my slimmer thighs. The sad part her however is that when I am at my thinnest I still need to be thinner and I am still not happy with my body. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to love myself, my body is just a shell and no matter what my shell looks like it actually does not affect my love for myself, its all on the inside. I need to love the inside.

Working on it one day at a time.

I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and this makes me sad I will admit.

I had a good day until lunch and then afterwards I had a slab of chocolate – there I go, labelling the day as bad. I will skip dinner now. Or I can force myself to have dinner and be calm and kind. Skipping dinner is easier, listening to ed is easier today.

I held my heart in my hands and I listened to it – Day 2

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Binge and purge on four bowls of granola this morning – I love granola! So awful start, also skipped gym. Got to work and wasn’t feeling particularly motivated but I gave myself a stern talking to because I really to start getting inspired and excited about work again.

Naturally skipped all my meals for the rest of the day and this evening I sat and I did eating disorder therapy homework and it was incredible. It was hard at times and there are many interesting observations I made. I am quite clearly still harbouring a lot of anger towards my ex husband (I wonder when it will become ex husband, things are really taking their time)

I also have many issues with not being good enough.

Interesting observation, is that I have a fear of growing up, I think many of us with eating disorders do. I think its perhaps because I am the youngest, I am the baby of the family, it just happened so. I am always being protected and everyone is constantly looking out for me and worrying about me, I am the baby. This is all good and well but I feel that I have this fear because I am scared to fail and also because my husband always called me a child – its engraved in my mind that I am a child.

Somehow I feel that my growth keeps getting stunted somehow. My family really wants me to grow of course, but I am still the baby in their eyes. The one that needs to be looked after (I cant exactly blame them for feeling this way as I have for some reason my whole life always found myself in some kind of emotional turmoil). As a child, my brother and sister used to call me the tap – because I cried all the time, I was literally like a tap that you could switch on and off. I was so incredibly sensitive. I went to boarding school as well and there I had my brother and sister look out for me.

When I was about 14 I often used to burst into tears because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I would cry because I was scared that I would never amount to anything and I would cry because I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere or that I couldn’t relate to anyone.

Because I went to boarding at the age of six, I was never taught how to deal with emotion and I never witnessed a lot of emotion in my family as I only saw them on every third weekend and then during the holiday. When we got together it was all about celebrations and being together – if there was something that I was upset about I would just sweep it under the rug because I wanted to enjoy my time with my family. Only when I was nineteen and all my drama came out did I actually connect with my family on a more emotional level. Only then did I become open with them.

Anyway, growing up scares me because I feel in a way that no one is allowing me to. The fact that I don’t earn much money makes me feel awful because my mum still gives me money – I feel like I cant make it a month without her help. Also the fact that I now live on my uncles property. The fact that I don’t feel that I am growing at work anymore.

I really don’t feel like I am growing. The fact that I took the risk of getting divorced and putting so much work into healing and into my personal growth has really made me look at every aspect in my life in a completely different way. If it isn’t feeding my soul anymore then why am I still doing it?

At work I am starting to feel that the only reason I am still in my job is because of my boss. Because I love her and I am so loyal to the business and we have become such incredible friends. I don’t feel like I am challenged at work or motivated or growing. I am doing this for her, for her business and because I don’t want the brand to fail, I want the brand to thrive. However, I am no longer thriving?

This really is the year of me. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first and doing whats good for me and taking responsibility for myself.

I think this is one of the reasons why I fell for him so quickly – because I just said ‘fuck it, I want to kiss you so I am going to kiss you’, I didn’t lie worrying about how it would affect me later, I didn’t think about my husband, I didn’t think about the fact that I am still technically married. It just felt right and I just followed my heart and I took a risk and it has been amazing.

I thought I could never pull out from under my husbands stare. Well I did. I held my heart in my hands and I said ‘fuck it’. I’m taking your word and I’m listening to it, and as real as the blood pumping through the veins in my heart – that is how real this year has been. That is how real things become when you listen to your heart and you risk everything for your heart.

I fear I’ll die from complications – complications from the things that I have left undone.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

I was just a wish – Day 6

Like a freeze dried rose,
you will never be what you were,
what you were to me in my memory.

Promise to remember me
Go back to before I went away,
even if its just for a day.

Sometimes I hear your smile,
and I picture us driving in your car,
the wind blowing through my hair.

Listening to the tune we played,
before I went away,
and all you wanted was for me to stay.

I know you dont like what I’ve become,
but something told me to run,
I had to grow when you stood still.

We could be frozen in time,
I’ll be 19 forever,
and you picture us together.

All I know is that you dont love me,
you love her,
and she is dancing away from you now.

She was just a wish,
Innocence that soothed your soul,
and made you feel like you were whole.

My sweet mystery,
Your heart has been tarnished by history.
But it will stay with me.

I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call,
I still love you above this all,
but I’ve grown alone and I’ve grown tall.

I was just a wish,
A soft heart you loved to kiss,
that danced away as you know you had always wished