Not going back to work, not naive – Day 23

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I have left my job, never going back. My boss and I are having many disputes. I think what hurts the most is that i genuinely thought my boss and I were friends. genuinely I thought that beyond work relations, we were good friends. I guess in a way I feel incredibly foolish because she has shown me before that our relationship is purely work related.

I guess in a way I’m always going the extra mile, whether it be with colleagues or friends or lovers, I suppose I always try give all I can even when it doesn’t serve me. This is something I have to learn?

Yes I am only 25?

Yes I am only young?

However I would never had married the man of my dreams if I felt i was too young to settle and live my life as a couple and start a family. I wanted a family. I wanted him and his beautiful soul. I wanted marriage. I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted him. I wanted the nights on the couch. I wanted the movies, I wanted the drunken dinners, I wanted the spontaneous love making outside. I wanted to share his bed and listen to him breathe and I wanted to explore the world freely with him. I wasn’t naive. I knew what I was doing. I was marrying my best friend, the man I loved more than anything in the world – the man I loved more than myself even.

My best friend made me a divorce cake, looking forward.

Bliss – Day 19, 20, 21, 22

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The view is stunning.

We take long walks on the beach and share ice cream.

We cook dinner over a glass of wine.

He sleeps soundly on the couch.

We stare into each others.

We hold hands and kiss and explore.

Slight anxiety because I never want this holiday to end.

I want to stay locked in the haze with him.

Oh come on – Day 8

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Slept over at his house last night and then went to gym this morning, stopped at home on my way to work to grab some breakfast because I have no money so I can’t buy breakfast! Landed up binging on 3 bowls of granola, WHY?

WHY?

Leave me alone bulimia.

My thighs are touching, when I walk I can feel it and it revolts me and then I say to myself ‘love yourself’. It doesn’t really work, but I am trying at least. I am not my shell – I have been at so many weight points this year and none of my relationships have changed. No one has even mentioned my weight really, not many have even noticed. It truly is just me that judges myself so harshly and is so critical.

So tonight I went to a memorial party in the park for my aunts mum, she passed away during the week and she was such a lovely lady. She was 93. I can picture her smile, she had terrible Alzheimer’s so every time she saw me, which was weekly, she would say I have grown into such a lovely young lady and she cant believe its been about 5 years since she saw me 🙂 she was so sweet. We had a really lovely time having wine and pizza and telling stories and catching up with family.

After the memorial I went to a party with my friend Andrew ( which I feel really guilty about because I feel like I should spend the night with Him) because we always hang out on weekends. I’m so torn. I don’t know why even. I am totally trying to be a man about it and not panic like a little girl. The party was amazing, I met so many lovely people it was really fun! Andrew and I also kissed, we were drunk and it was nice and then he asked to go upstairs and I said no – because I really didn’t want to, because I don’t like him in that way and because that would have just been mean because I would be leading him on. So we just went back to the party and chilled.

Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is not only healthy for you, it can make a huge difference in someone else’s life – Day 22

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4 weeks ago we lay side by side,
he asked me to paint a violin,
and I said I would and I didn’t even ask why?

4 weeks later it was his birthday,
the night before I painted him a violin,
and I spent hours searching for the perfect frame.

4 minutes later i was home with the perfect one,
white and clean for the painting of the violin,
and I wrote on the back ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.

4 this morning I woke and his arms were wrapped around me,
i felt vulnerable and I thought of the violin,
I went back to sleep thinking that I might not even give it to him.

4 minutes past 5 this morning we woke and made love,
and again i felt scared because of the violin,
its my heart and my soul in my art and its putting myself out there into a frame.

4 minutes past 6 I lay in his arms and I was so calm but still anxious,
again i kept seeing the violin,
why was it so ingrained in my mind if it was only a simple painting.

4 minutes past 7 I went to fetch it in my car,
he asked where his present was which was the painting of the violin,
and I was stalling because I was so shy.

4 minutes past 8 I was trembling with my heart in my hands covered in bubble wrap,
my soul poured into my art of the violin,
as he sat down I put in his hands.

4 layers of bubble wrap covered it,
my hands shaking because of that violin,
he was so nervous and excited to see what it was.

4 hands unwrapping,
that simple painting of the violin,
and he said ‘no you didn’t’

4 tears falling from each eye,
all because of the meaning of the violin,
it was special to me but I couldn’t understand why he was so taken.

4 layers of bubble wrap on the floor,
they covered the violin,
now his face was covered in tears.

4 kisses later I said I never asked why you asked for this specific painting,
his best friend who died promised to draw him a violin,
and it was my heart and hands and soul and his best friend through me that painted it.

4 strings on that instrument somehow connecting me and him and his best friend and his best friends wife,
so much magic in that simple painting of the violin,
no one could ever have known that it was not just a simple painting.

4 green eyes staring into each other,
our hearts in tears but smiling because of that violin,
that special moment all because he needed that violin from his best friend.