Today hasnt been great.
Binging again, but no purging and thats a silver lining.
I just so badly need this collection to be perfect and I have so much weighing on this that I lost the fun and the excitement and I’ve become stressed and pressured. An you know what – its not going to be perfect, and it shouldnt be perfect either.
Next week this time I would have moved into my new studio… and thats scary yes but it should be exciting as well.
It’s a new begining 🙂
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.
If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.
He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.
We made each other feel hope again.
We made each other feel whole again.
My besties. I love them more than anything.
They are my home.
My soul family.
We had a Christmas lunch and it was so much fun! We set the table, cooked a lot of food, ate until we could explode (naturally I restricted all day for this). Drank wine, laughed and bonded.
It was lovely.
It was perfect.
Look at my spectacular cake hahaha
Last night was very depressing honestly that we’re celebrating the death of my marriage.
We are however celebrating that the struggle is over. The chapter has been closed. A new chapter is beginning.
A new journey, my journey.
Birthday party for him 🙂
Friends and jacuzzi all day.
People left his house and thanked me for a lovely time – ok it’s got to that stage. Best friend made a joke that I fitted into housewife mode so swiftly lol.